So Ive been working with this guy for around 2 years now and have always considered him to be an alright dude, a friend even.
However I was left feeling devastated after having to endure a one hour conversation with him yesterday after we both met each other by chance at the railway station.
At first it was all going fine, you know, just chopping it up.
However as I started to really sink into the conversation I noticed a few notable red flags.
The first one was him just being really fucking nasty about what I was doing with my life. At college I study English, and while he has finished University, he was very forward about how I will never prosper in life doing what Im doing. Which I dont even deny, life is unpredictable, even my mom has said sort of the same thing. However the belittling tone he was continuing to use throughout the entire conversation made the hour feel like a day as he kept talking about how well he will do with his academic scholarship and how much money he will make. He big timed me.
Another thing I picked up on which really hurt my feelings was when we talked about my Instagram. Usually, I hate getting my picture taken, Im very insecure about the way I look and hate social media in general if Im honest. I have actually spoken to this same guy about this but he clearly didnt care as he just shit on my new picture that I uploaded around a week ago.
Normally I wouldn’t ever care about what my mates thought of my Instagram (in fact I encorage my mates to make fun of me and vice versa, we are mates after all it means nothing) but he did say with a very serious tone that I looked terrible and would have zero chance of getting laid with a picture like that online.
Why he thought we were mates like that I have no idea. I did mention that I didnt want to talk about it but he kept saying how ugly I was and he pulled up the picture and pointed to it saying ‘this is why your single.’
Whats messed up is, if it was a closer friend of mine who said it I would have laughed, and said something back but this guy just kept being so serious about it.
After he said that I tried desperately to keep quiet but he kept talking about me, and other people at work who I like in a negative way, calling one of my best mates boring and useless.
Getting home I felt weirdly glad he told me all that stuff. Obviously it hurt my feelings, but Im happy that I now know what a colossal waste of skin he is. He never struck me as a bad guy before but I really have decided to never be nice to him again. I feel like what he said was way over the line and after a long day of work, being palpably insulted really left me feeling down.
Im writing this to remind myself to stay around positive people, and to be more positive in general. I grew up around a lot of nasty people and I am so glad that I can recognise when a postive comment makes an impact on someones day. It costs nothing to be nice and I really like learning from experiences like this.
32 comments
I have an English degree and also a great career as a tech writer. He doesn’t know what he is talking about. I’m glad you can spot unpleasant people. Stay away from this guy and his ilk.
Only read the title.. but thats life
what a dick. you’re right tho it is good when people show you their true colors early
Being honest you where very calm in your Response i probably would have punched him bieng this rude an insulting to me
Ooof hate people like those.. they think of themselves as gems of the world.. you dodged a big time bullet.. trust me people like that should be nowhere near you.. good thing you found out about him before making him too good of a friend.
He’s probably really insecure about himself and was projecting that onto you. Glad you kept your cool and got the chance to see through him
OMG! He is absolutely horrible! Definitely steer clear of him moving forward. He didn’t even display red flags, he displayed clear, overt rude and aggressive behavior.
He sounds like a very shallow person, I’m sorry you had to encounter him.
You have the correct attitude. I’m really happy for you too, I think if I had heard that I would be sad for a week.
This post inspired me, in an odd way. Thanks.
Lol dude man the fuck up. You are crying like a baby.
My god. Dude’s projecting a lot of crap. I went through a similar thing where I knew someone for years and was shocked out of the blue by the depths of their shittiness when they told me they were gonna continue to be friends with a r*pist because “I’m not gonna end a friendship over something he did to someone else”.
Some people must know they’re an ass somewhere in their head but don’t give enough of a shit about anyone but themselves to change. Sorry he was such a jerk.
Sounds like a narcissist.
You deserve better people in your life. Most people are just insecure themselves. Personally, the two skills I want to improve are trying to understand where the other person is coming from and learning to let go. They do sound mutally exclusive, but they are not. Be kind (and you don’t have to say it out loud, prove it with your actions) and if people don’t deserve it, let go.
Tough situation. Nice journalling. Ignoring him is what I’d probably do to. My theory is that when people are being assholes they are usually dealing with some shit (although it’s not an excuse for the behaviour).
It’s hard to do in the moment sometimes and definitely requires practice, but when someone’s being inappropriate it can be valuable to, in a respectful way, call out that behavior, and more importantly: protect your boundaries. Something like, “Hey man, the occasional teasing can be fun but you’re taking this a little far lol, I’m really not enjoying this. It feels like you’re projecting some personal stress on to me. Are things okay on your end?”
Wow. This was a huge unpleasant encounter but you’ve clearly shaken it off and looked for the positive (your last paragraph)!
You should’ve walked away mid-sentence…
Sounds like an absolute dick…
He sounds like he was drunk.
Was he sober?
Reach out to him in 15 years to see where his lovely personality has taken him.
Everybody.
Is it possible he was drunk? Sounds like drunk talk.
totally projecting. Nothing he said had annnything to do with you and everything to do with him. Still, dont let people talk to you like that dude! Just walk away I know if seems weird no follow up but just move away from…that
Ever heard the saying “never meet your heroes “….
“it costs nothing to be nice” I LOVE this! I’m sorry that happened to you but thanks for not letting that negativity get passed on
It can be so easy hearing needlessly negative words and taking them to heart… I’m SO GLAD you are fully aware the problem is *them* not you. They must be seriously miserable to attempt knocking you down like that.
He sounds like an A-Hole!
This is a really great post OP. I think it’s so rad to have something hurt your feelings, but then also realize that you can get your own value out of the situation. Double win knowing you don’t have to waste any more time on this guy, and remembering why it’s so great to be around kind people. Salud.
This is a really great post OP. I think it’s so rad to have something hurt your feelings, but then also realize that you can get your own value out of the situation. Double win knowing you don’t have to waste any more time on this guy, and remembering why it’s so great to be around kind people. Salud.
This dude was obviously having a shit day and likely miserable deep down. He was most likely trying to bring you down in order to make himself feel better in the same way a 5th grade bully does. Glad you can recognize the problem lies with him and not you. If this occurs in the future and is making you uncomfortable I would suggest responding in an unaffected lighthearted tone “you should considering trying out therapy, it sounds like you would really benefit from it” so that he’s well aware you see right through his fragile ego and won’t be a punching bag for him to use to temporarily feel better about himself.
Don’t take anything serious from people talking down on others like that. You could tell him next time you see him that his behavior was not acceptable and that you want the relationship to be purely professional from now on. This would be a service to him and a manifest to you being a good person. You can let him know that also.
Sometimes when people offer me feedback like this, I wonder to myself if they have any idea how little I regard them that I simply never think of these little things in their life, such as what others’ might think of a picture of them or whether they are getting laid, which is why I don’t offer them the same feedback. And it’s certainly not that they are free of criticism, because if I shift my focus on them I can find tons of “feedback” to provide lmao. It’s hard when you work with these people but otherwise in life I literally avoid them. It’s gotten better in recent years but people used to do this a lot with food bc I’m vegan. They’d offer unsolicited feedback like, “oh you can have this it won’t kill you…” but meanwhile I don’t ever say they shouldn’t have bacon or something bc it will kill them. Imagine the uproar if I did!!! Lmao.