I’ve been with my fiance for 6 years in total, but we’ve only gotten engaged 3 months ago. I’m a woman in my 30s in the Twin Cities, MN.
Over the past few weeks he’s been on a self-improvement kick, and this extends to sex as well.
However, I’m questioning the sources of information he’s using; the sources are old vBulletin forums about sex and some vBulletin forums on BDSM/sub/domme things from February 2003 to November 2005, and he wants to try some of the sexual things suggested by forum members.
Incidentally, he’s started to try and have attitudes that were more common back then, especially towards women, which is unnerving for me.
He was only 16 when the original material was posted on the forums in February 2003; I’m 2 years older than him.
Anyway, I’m enjoying our sex life but am open to improvement or trying new things, and wondering what to do about this.
Both of us want to do BDSM, but he’s relying on forum posts from February 2004 about how to do it, a full 260-page thread – well, two 130-page discussions on an old vBulletin 3.6-something-or-other install. He wants to try doing things the 2004 way for BDSM.
If we’re going to go into BDSM, how can we do it safely and securely?
Looking for advice here on how we can improve our sex life, and where he should go for resources.
Before anyone says Google it, well, that’s what he’s doing.
Anyone here know about BDSM for a beginner, where we should start or safety tips etc.?
I’m looking for any advice you can give!
Thanks for reading.
4 comments
There are several BDSM subreddits that are quite active that the two of you should look into. That’s not my jam so I don’t have specific recommendations of other subs.
Agree on a safe word.
Communication, communication, communication. You should be negotiating any play like that, just because you’re dating/engaged/married doesn’t mean anything goes. You still need to discuss and agree to the new things and should always have a safe word. After that it’s education, some website with posts for 2004 may still be valid, a flogger is a flogger same now as it was in 2004. But other aspects may have changed. Amazon is great, you can find 100’s if not 1000’s of books on the subject. There are sub reddits here as well. Some more advanced topics can be better taught/learned in person. Rope for example can be very difficult to learn from a book or videos online. In person you can see and feel the proper tension, placement, ect. A lot of major cities have BDSM groups and venues for education.
Edit: I’ll follow that up with, no 2 dynamics in BDSM are the same. There is no 1 true way. Every dynamic and relationship is different and you negotiate what your into/how you want that dynamic to work and function. So if the stuff he is reading from whatever website forum is talking about this is the only way for BDSM then you might have a problem.
r/BDSMAdvice is a good starting point. This is one of the mods’ “starter guide to BDSM” that he frequently comments for newcomers: https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/107ur1q/first_time_being_a_dom/j3qdhhn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3