I didn’t notice at first and tried to talk with him but he just kept going. When I noticed what had happened I felt so weird. And I didn’t say anything more and just kind of let him do whatever and waited for it to be over. And yeah I definitely could have made him put them back on so that I could say what I wanted to say to him. But I don’t know what happened. It just felt like he was using my body he and made no effort to make sure I was fine. It didn’t hurt that much and I didn’t want to risk hurting his feelings. I thought it was obvious that you should be able to communicate with your partner during sex but apparently it wasn’t obvious to him.
Edit: Here is some more information
We were just cuddling and I was about to fall asleep. Then he asked me if I was asleep and I said almost. Then he grabbed me and turned me around and kissed me. I kept turning my head away from him so that he couldn’t kiss me to make it clear to him that I just wanted to continue spooning. He then grabbed my thighs and positioned them in the way he wanted. Then I felt that his dick was out and he had it between my thighs. I thought it was his hand at first. And he tried to make himself hard but it didn’t work (probably because of performance anxiety). So we left it at that and I just tried to sleep again.
This is where I suspect he removed his hearing aids probably because he wanted to comfortably be able to lay on his side. After like 15 minutes maybe I felt that he tried to put it in again with no warning but his erection didn’t last more than a couple of seconds after he put it in. We had previously discussed my desire for him to use condoms but he completely disregarded that. It was very dark so I couldn’t really see him. I asked him if he was going to eat soon and he didn’t reply so I asked him again and said something else before it clicked for me. He didn’t see my mouth move because it was very dark and he was preoccupied with making his dick hard again. He also put his fingers inside me without any lubrication what so ever and I moved his hand away but a few seconds later his hand was back in the same place.
Then we kind of just repeated that process a few times. He was laying down all the time. At no point was there a risk of his aids falling off and I found out later that they were well within his reach. He probably just didn’t think they were necessary because from his point of view everything seemed fine. And as I said before, I just went along with everything because I didn’t want to make him feel bad about himself or the fact that he wasn’t able to maintain an erection.
I understand that some people just don’t understand any other communication than words and I guess I’m just not ready to be with someone like that who doesn’t understand that if I grab his hand firmly and move it away from somewhere, I don’t want his hand to be there.
And yeah I’ll talk to him soon. He has been writing an exam since I left his place and I didn’t want to have that conversation face to face right after it happened. I just needed to vent a bit somewhere and get opinions and I thought this would be the appropriate place.
Edit 2: I’m sorry for making it seem like the removal of his hearing aids was the main problem. I hope you understand what really was the problem after you read my edit and some of my comments.
Edit 20 hours later: He is coming over to my place later today again and he’s staying the night. I still haven’t had the chance to talk to him about any of this but I’m going to as soon as he gets here. We’ve only met twice so far and both of the times he invaded my personal space way too much so I’m hoping I can get him to stop. I don’t know why I’m giving him so many chances. Maybe because we had fun when we played video games together. Maybe because we both love star wars and Harry Potter. I think that’s it though. Everything else about him including the way he looks doesn’t appeal to me at all. I think I’m just delaying the inevitable.
33 comments
How hard of hearing is he?
I don’t think the removing hearing aids for sex itself is so strange–seems to me a lot like taking off your glasses–but there should 100% be a way to communicate with your partner during sex and he should have made clear what that is before you guys had sex.
It is VERY common for those with hearing loss to remove hearing aids during sex. He may have been a jerk / I do not know. But his taking off hearing aids so his ears did not ring or he did not have painful feedback in his ears while being intimate with you is not an indication he is a jerk.
>I thought it was obvious that you should be able to communicate with your partner during sex
Devils advocate. Maybe he did too.. maybe he assumed you would let him know if there was an issue. (Tap on the shoulder, )
Possible you both made incorrect assumptions about your partners ability /willingness to communicate.
Sex is something you were both doing together and yea he could have started a conversation about removing the aids since it’s new for you. When we expect a certain level of behavior/communication from a partner we should also be obligated to give it. Not just for our partner but for ourselves.
>I didn’t want to risk hurting his feelings.
This is something as women I wish we would stop doing. We have to be more willing to speak up for ourselves and not suffer discomfort because we don’t want to offend.
Kinda weird.
Maybe they irritate him, or something.
You can communicate without speaking though.
Did you know that certain hearing aids have a tendency to whistle when they are too close to another person? That some are susceptible to moisture and he may be concerned about sweat? Or that he may be concerned they’ll fall out and get damaged depending on how they fit at baseline?
Yes, it would have been nice for him to tell you why he was taking them out, but perhaps he was caught up in the moment and thought it would ruin the mood.
Talk with him about this by saying, “I noticed you took your hearing aids out during sex and I was struggling to communicate with you. Can we talk about why you preferred to have them out and how we can better communicate during sex if you aren’t wearing your hearing aids?”
Aw, seriously this is soooo common. The reasons are several: they can get damaged during sex (esp when rough) and are very costly to replace, there is unwanted feedback sometimes that can take him out of the mood and hurt him, his partner could accidentally pull them out, hit them, bite them, etc. To me it doesn’t sounds like he is so clueless but rather you are not used to this and so it worried you. He likely assumed since the first time you’d understand he needs to take them out. So since this is so bothersome to you just talk to him. Explain youd like to have some sort of signal for what feels good and what doesnt. He will def understand
Maybe worried about breaking his $8000 hearing aids during sex? People who wear hearing aids often remove them when working, doing strenuous exercise, and other activities that could cause them to fall out/off, etc. Him not being able to hear your whispers in bed isn’t a deal breaker – especially if he can see you and your face while you’re making love.
Don’t ask the Internet why your partner did this – ask him.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I heard that with hearing aids you can’t choose with one sound are you focused on, you hear them all on the same level. That might be annoying and distracting. If that’s the issue here then I can understand why he did that. You should ask him. And you should come up with some kind of gesture code so he can understand you without his aids
The line about laying there and letting him do whatever he wants is odd. You could have put your hands on his shoulders and pushed him a littlw to get his attention. There are so many ways you could have communicated to him.
I think you should tell him it made you uncomfortable but I also think you should be careful about how you present it because you were a participant in the sex and you also owe it to him to communicate. If you’re dating someone who is deaf or hard of hearing you will need to find waya to communicate qhen his implant isn’t in.
Edited because the OP added a boatload of context after the fact which makes my response look insensitive. It sounds to me like he was not respecting your no.
Why are you posting here before talking to him about it?
Lots of people with cochlear implants take them out when having sex, working out, or engaging in a physical activity. They cost thousands of dollars and you yourself said you’ve accidentally knocked them off of him during sex before.
Talk to your partner. He will have useful feedback for you and you can explain why it made you uncomfortable; posting to reddit will accomplish neither.
I don’t know you, but after reading the comments and some of your replies, it seems that you have a bigger issue than the act of removing the hearing aids. Again I don’t know you or your partner but there seems to be a communication issue and this one moment during sex is your “straw that breaks the camels back”. Definitely talk with them but remember to also listen to what they have to say communication goes both ways
>I didn’t want to risk hurting his feelings
So you hurt your own instead, as well as your body?
Stop caring about men who don’t care about you. You deserve to be listened to and considered.
Bro all these posts make me think half of the dudes are mute. Like 0 communication during sex- is there no noise or eye contact being made??
Stop worrying about hurting a mans feelings by demanding to enjoy things too. Stop just enduring sex. And stop things anytime they are painful AT ALL!!!
“Didn’t hurt that much” is NOT acceptable.
People please!!! Both parties need to be having a good time or else just shut the session down!!!
I feel like even in the middle of things being rough, a few slaps or pats on the person while looking at them would indicate HEY, HEY, BUDDY, STOP FOR A SEC.
I remove mine when my wife and I have sex. I’m pretty impaired but not deaf.
Hearing aides have nothing to do with whether or not he’s a good lover
I’ll shed some light on this as a ex was def.
1. Alot of people (not only deaf) don’t get sex ed lessons or relationship lessons. .. I don’t know why that is but thats what alot of my deaf mates told me…. porn is what tells them what it should look like, which isn’t correct and mates advise isn’t always helpful.
2.Wearing a hearing aid during any contact “sport” can be uncomfortable. (Including sex).
– can create white noise/ringing due to fast movement/ knocking and make it uncomfortable/lose focus for the person.
– can fall off. Not very romantic and embarrassing for the owner.
– this is usually when hearing aids break… -.- they not cheap.
3.You don’t like something? Physical signs can help say “stop, I don’t like that”. A simple slap on the arm or pushing of the chest will tell them “hey, look at me, I need to say something” or if it’s really bad grab their face and have a hand up stating stop.
Sex is very interesting but can be awkward if you don’t communicate it to him like any partner. Pull him up and show him how you like it.
Ummm I’m sorry but wearing hearing aids doesn’t excuse putting his fingers or dick (without a condom as you previously discussed) inside your dry vagina without warning.
I can’t believe I scrolled so far without seeing any comments about this? Wtf
Most of these comments are making excuses about the hearing aid thing but completely ignoring the fact that he treated you like a fuck doll.
Who gives a shit about the hearing aids at this point?
Would anyone be making excuses for his “lack of experience” if he wasn’t deaf?
Almost no one is commenting on the fact that he kept initiating sex when you moved his hand away, and before that you turned your head away when he (tried to) kiss you! This guy is bad news, forget the hearing aids. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t stop when you make it clear, by physically moving him/his hands away from you, that you want him to stop. I don’t care that he couldn’t hear you say “no” because he didn’t have his hearing aids in, you didn’t have to say it with your words when you said it with your actions.
His actions, to continue until you stopped pushing him away, say that he’s just taking what he wants no matter what you do. Yes, you can improve on not letting him take advantage of you (as much as you physically can), but you shouldn’t be put in that position in the first place. HE shouldn’t put you in that position in the first place. The moment your head kept turning away from him, he should’ve stopped and asked if you were or weren’t into it, or if you were okay, or ANYTHING. He also shouldn’t be trying to put his dick in you without you knowing he’s about to do that! And without protection no less!
This is not about the hearing aids. This is about the fact that this guy took advantage of you and you need to get away from him ASAP. If that’s too extreme for you right off the bat, I’d say at the very least a serious, open conversation is in order (from your end: tell him how you feel, how he made you feel) and you putting down the boundary firm and clear that if he begins to force himself on you again (don’t let him actually force himself on you, remove yourself from the situation before that), you walk out of his life forever.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Best of luck.
Hold on here. Is nobody going to address the fact that this man was ignoring her rejections and forcing himself on her? That is called rape.
I hope you’re ok after the experience OP. He hasn’t shown any respect towards you.
Ok, since most people hear apparently didn’t get the details, I’m just gonna say it: the hearing aids are the least problem you have, the bigger issue is that guy himself. Just because you had sex before doesn’t mean that you have to do it every time he wants now. The way you describe what he did is honestly pretty alarming since he didn’t seem to care for any sign you gave him! You don’t have to tolerate that and your consent, and we’ll being don’t have to do with his feelings at that moment! I mean, in the end sex without consent is considered rape, even in a relationship. Just not saying no doesn’t equal a yes if it’s not something you talked through first. You should have a talk with him and make him clear that you obviously didn’t want to have sex there and that he did disrespect your boundaries. If you don’t, it might happen again, and if he doesn’t show himself shocked about this, I would honestly reconsider the relationship you have to him.
You don’t owe him a talk, you should probably just cut him off and try to get therapy.
If after therapy you still feel the need to talk to him, do it with a support network.
The hearing aid thing was the least of your worries . He did what he wanted without consent or communication, you never consented to sex without a condom , he did it anyway . That’s sexual assault .
This sounds like rape to me. You said you wanted to use condoms, you did not consent, you have physical indications you did not want to have sex. I hope you stop seeing this jerk and are able to find support. I’m sorry this happened!
Tons of red flags here. No means no and pushing hands away and such are definitely saying NO.
I don’t think you should talk to him or see him again. I think you should write him a text that says “when you engage in sexual relations without consent, that’s rape”.
He has realized that if he takes out his hearing aids, he can’t hear you say no. Or any woman, for that matter. He’s a predator using his disability to rape.
Jfc. Op, he understands what moving his hand away means he’s not an imbecile. He doesn’t care about what you want. Please face this painful truth and realize you deserve a partner who cares.
Not a jerk for taking the hearing aids out.
Definitely a jerk for the other stuff described.
Really seems like he was trying to force sex that even his body was struggling to keep up with.
You need to use your words. Turning your head away isn’t enough. And if that happens again, who cares about his feelings. For 20 years I said yes when I meant no, and then one day I took my power back. While you’re lying there not wanting to hurt his feelings, he’s made you into his sex doll who doesn’t have a voice and has waived her choice, all in the name of sparing feelings.
Woman to woman,
Don’t just lay there and let it happen if you don’t want it. It might seem to just be moments of being uncomfortable but it absolutely impacts you more be it self respect, confidence or trust. You deserve better and no excuses will change that.
I think it’s awful he removed hearing aids and kept trying after you moved his hand away and didn’t want to kiss him, he should very well recognize those signs but since you didn’t push him off he kept going, and took his hearing aids out so he couldn’t hear you protest either. That’s not acceptable and you don’t have to endure it. Stop worrying about his feelings, and start worrying about your own. You should have gotten up and left, if nothing else.
Get away from this guy. He sexually assaulted/raped you. Despite not being able to hear you, you gave him plenty of clues that you were not consenting. It also sounds like he purposely took his hearing aids out so if you were to accuse him of assaulting you he can use “I didn’t hear you, I didn’t know” excuse for his raping you.
> **We had previously discussed my desire for him to use condoms but he completely disregarded that.**
You’re very lucky that you can’t see me right now, I am practically crawling over my keyboard, trying to reach into the screen to shake some sense into you.
This man will NEVER respect you. Ever.
He’ll do what he wants, because he can. YOU let him. You’re making excuses for him. It’s not about his stupid hearing aids. He’ll do whatever he wants, because you will find some excuse for his behavior.
*Sigh*