Me [32M] and my Wife[40F] have lost the spark after having a child [8mo]

Hi everyone. Thank you for reading and sharing advice. Throwaway account but I am a long time reader and commenter.

TLDR: Me and my wife’s relationship is deteriorating since having a kid despite things going well and baby developing. We are trying to get professional help but my wife is resistant to change/therapy/etc. and I’m not sure if if I should hold off while our kid is young or keep pushing for improvements.

My wife and I have been married 2 years and together for 7. Since my wife and I have had our child (and I suppose a bit before that), we are struggling to find any spark in our relationship.

My wife is a spectacular mother. She is also an optimizer who regularly cites her OCD as annoying but unavoidable (I believe she may have OCPD). Our baby is on a very rigorous schedule down to the minute. On trips, we give ourselves +- 30 minutes for sleeping and eating times but outside of that, he is on the exact same schedule. He’s 8 months old and has eaten well over 100 different foods, 2 home cook meals and bath every day (soap only 2), tooth brush every day, house tours, constant talking, at least 1 walk every day (weather permitting), over 50 different development toys, etc. My wife finds deep enjoyment in this and I suspect associates the quality of us as parents with how much time and effort we put in. The net results is that our baby is thriving (quite social, developing fast, sleeps and eats very well). Our home is professionally cleared every other week, counters are fully wiped every night, vacuum and sweep regularly, etc.

One of the consequence of the strict schedule, lots to do, and my wife’s satisfaction in optimizing baby’s life is that our common interests appear to be quickly fading. We use to play games (board and video games), plan trips, dance, yoga/work out, etc. We had shared interest in media (sports, fantasy shows, sci fi). We also use to be sexually active very early in our relationship. The space of shared interest and desire to do things together is rapidly shrinking. Other than going to dinner once or twice a week, we mostly just split up baby duties and chores and then at best, watch a show 2 or 3 times a week. Even then, she has expressed that she will watch shows just to create some bonding time with me, but she’d rather do baby stuff because there is too much to do. Her idea of a great night would be rearranging the garage or reorganizing baby’s shelf’s, researching baby stuff, etc. any free time she has is spent on deep baby research and time spent elsewhere feels like a waste or missed opportunity to make baby’s life better. She has a close group of girl friends that she occasionally goes out with. I do not have any local friends but I occasionally get out to play golf, grab drinks with colleagues, or play games. More and more, the exciting moments for me are outside the home rather than inside.

We are also in a dead bedroom and have been for a long time (3+ years). We’ve gone to 3 different relationship or sex therapists and/or coaches but the first one used some scary words (sexually incompatible, consider opening relationship, etc.) and that has instilled so much anxiety and fear in this space that my wife doesn’t think she’ll be ready to sexually open up for another 9 months. We started that therapy when she was 7 months pregnant and I believe that was a mistake given the amount of hormones and change we were going through. I am trying to give her space considering that A LOT has changed since we last were sexually active (IVF and having a baby has no doubt resulted in enormous physical and emotion changes in both of us) but as the high libido partner, it’s tough. More than that though, basically all physical affection is gone. Small pecks, side hugs, and occasional hand holding are as far as we go.

We are working with a new coach and trying to be more happy/appreciative towards each other and also optimizing what little together time we have (tv shows aren’t “bonding” so we’re gonna try to pick up a puzzle, some date nights, and maybe actually organizing the garage), but it’s been dreary. I think she wants someone who’s as excited for all things baby as she is. She also appears to prefer someone who is not interested in sex. She hasn’t outright said it, but she has admitted that sex for her is just a means to and end (the end being a healthy relationship) and when we weren’t having sex, she would tell her friends that she found a successful relationship without intimacy. I am deeply appreciative for all my wife has done for me, our baby, and our house, but I want to try and have more fun and improve our intimacy at home. The rules and schedules are great, but I sometimes feel trapped and would like to loosen up. When I bring this up, it’s frustrating to her as optimizing baby’s life and time for her is fun and she feels insulted when I generalize and assume it isn’t fun. I’m working on being more descriptive.

Neither of us are getting what we want and we fall into an endless cycle of frustration and sadness at home. It feels like we’re on the road to divorce and I think that scares she shit out of her and is leading to some depression-like symptoms.

Last bit – I have some insecurities that I was tricked early in our relationship. She was older and insecure about being single at her age and not on the path to owning a home, having kids, etc. I think early in our relationship she gave me everything I wanted and expressed that our shared interests and physical intimacy were things she deeply cherished. However, she was getting a lot of pressure from parents and other folks to settle down and she was extremely focused on doing whatever it takes to find a partner. She was always the one pushing in our relationship – she technically asked me if we’re “official” after about a month of dating, she constantly wanted to move my timeline up for moving in, getting married, having kids etc. When I said I needed more time, she rejected it outright. We did end up meeting in the middle on most regards but they were always big tension points. Recently, we went out to dinner with some friends and while sharing our origin story, she said she tricked me early in our relationship. It was said in jest but it really stuck with me.

What do you think, relationship gurus? Are we just going through one of life’s biggest events (having a 8m old kid) and do I need to keep my head down and work through it? Should I just be grateful and focus on surviving considering our circumstance (8mo old, first kid) and focus on child development before we dig in to our own challenges?

Or should I keep pushing and bringing up the tough topics? My wife has expressed that coaching and therapy isn’t super helpful for her but I have insisted we keep going. I’m the one driving changes in our relationship and she thinks I’m adding stress to an already