I (25, F) been in a relationship for two years with my boyfriend (24, M) and for most of the part it was long distance. Initially when we were exploring our relationship we used to touch each other and stuff. Later on we tried having sex and for me it was a little scary and painful (We both are Virgins) so we couldn’t do it. Later as we grew I kinda developed a fear and disinterest for sex but I didn’t tell him. From past 1 year he’s been trying to have sex but I kind of avoided it. So we fight alot because of this. He feels I betrayed him or that I don’t love him and I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just don’t want to have sex. I mean I get aroused only when I’m drunk otherwise I just don’t feel anything.
The last time we met for two days same happened. He tried to kiss me but I didn’t feel anything. We slept that day and next day fought for the same thing.
I really want to to what is wrong with me. Pls help me out as I don’t really know what to do.
Me & my boyfriend tried to talk about it but we always end up fighting so we don’t really talk. It’s a very uncomfortable topic for me for some reason so I don’t even talk about it.
There are a few things that you should know
1. Our relationship has always been LDR. We hardly stayed for 2 3 months in the same city.
2. Since 10 months his mom is battling stage 4 cancer and so he’s staying with his mom. I’ve tried to help him emotionally all I can but he wants to have sex when we meet and I just can’t.
3. Our relationship is in a very bad phase since an year
4. Previously also most of the time we “tried” doing it I was drunk.
5. I feel like I’m asexual, I don’t know how to know this.
TW: Don’t want to have sex
4 comments
This doesn’t sound like asexuality, it sounds like a strange relationship with an experience added on top.
Every relationship is built upon three foundations, commitment, passion and intimacy. In a long-term relationship true physical intimacy comes after commitment passion and mental intimacy is well established.
There are ace subreddits that you’d probably get better info from than this one. Most asexual (sometimes called ace as in gray ace) women I’ve heard describe this is that they don’t experience sexual attraction, urges, etc. Some folks are aromantic & thus don’t feel those urges. Others yet who don’t feel sexual attraction but aren’t repulsed by sex have intercourse consentually with a relationship partner. Demisexual people only feel aroused in certain circumstances, and I’m sure all of this has nuances and degrees like so much else in life. Maybe some of this speaks to you, could be something else. Hope this helps
I’m not asexual so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Since you said that you are able to get aroused when you’re drunk, I think that when you’re sober you’re so scared of the idea of having sex that you avoid it, so you appear disinterested.
Now, what do you think about sex in general? Has the ideas of sex changed since you met your boyfriend? Why did you find it scary? Are you attracted phisically to your boyfriend?
I get why he would get upset when you won’t get physically intimate with him while in an LDR. That would be grounds to break up for me. You need to communicate your issues with him and maybe try starting slow with a toy or fingers to get past that mental block you have. You need to tell him how you feel even though it’s uncomfortable or this isn’t going to last.