We were friends for a couple years before we started dating. Things have been going generally well. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company and have the best deep conversations. We can be silly and playful and serious and passionate and all the things that make a relationship truly good. We’re compatible in pretty much every way. He even said he could see us being together for the rest of our lives and having kids and a house, having it all.
But he admitted he doesn’t have “love” type feelings for me. I use quotes because the word love doesn’t feel quite right. He loves me as a human and friend, but there’s no magic. He really likes me. But doesn’t think he will ever “love” me the way he loves other people. He actively has these feelings for someone else (which I knew about from the beginning) that he isn’t compatible with and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with. He says he doesn’t want to feel that way about this other person and has had no contact with them for ages.
He wants to feel that way about me, but just doesn’t. I feel that way about him. I know he can’t help how he feels and I can’t force him to feel anything differently about me. But I’m still very hurt, trying not to wonder why I’m not good enough for him to love, what is wrong with me, what am I missing. And it’s making me crazy when he’s around other people he’s attracted because I’m not secure. How can I be knowing he will likely never feel “magic” for me, but he can with others.
I don’t know if I should stay and build a life with this person who can give me, and wants to give me, everything except this kind of magic love. Or if we should end this now to give us both a chance at finding someone eventually who is compatible AND will have mutual magic love, risking that it may never happen.
tl;dr: My boyfriend wants to be in a lifelong committed relationship with me even though he doesn’t love me and thinks he never will. He doesn’t think that is necessary to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. I’m hurt and don’t know if I should agree to be in a relationship like this.
14 comments
Sorry. I wouldn’t settle for this kind of arrangement, knowing he was pining for someone else.
You can find someone who actually does want to give you the kind of relationship you want.
Don’t be someone’s fallback.
Nah. As soon as he finds someone he does love he’ll jump ship quick.
It makes me so sad when someone doesn’t see their self worth. Get the fuck out. Someone will go to the ends of the earth for you.
I’d move on. Immediately. You deserve to be the absolute light in someones life.
Unless he lives in some “movie fantasy” zone? He might be confusing the lust you might feel for someone momentarily? The type of buzz & lust that fades pretty fast… Then you’re left with nothing in common and no actual relationship.
He maybe doesn’t recognise real love as opposed to the Hollywood movie version.
I’m sorry, but absolutely not. Maybe he’s okay with settling for something like this but it sounds like you’re not, and eventually there will be so much resentment and sadness. Go find someone who can tell you they love you in every way possible.
Even if you were willing to settle for someone offering you only this, you personally cannot, because your perspective on it is badly broken. You think this says something about you. You are wondering what you are missing or if you are good enough. That perspective is wrong and nonsensical, but it means you can’t settle for him, because it will destroy your self-esteem. Instead of thinking, okay, we’re not a great match, but is he good enough for me and making a decision based on that, you are somehow using the fact that you two aren’t full compatible as a weapon of self-harm to look down on yourself.
Don’t settle for this.
Definitely do not stay with him. This will only curdle over time. I’m the child of a relationship like this and let me tell you, it doesn’t get better, it gets worse.
I understand your boyfriend, I’ve only felt that “love” twice and with those guys there was no compatibility, no future, yet I felt so strongly… In my real relationships I never felt that kind of “love” but we grew a much deeper, much more meaningful kind of love. I don’t understand why I never had that for my boyfriends but I appreciate that deep love much much more than the unstable obsession kind of love I had for the other two guys… Sure I’d like to have both but I’m not even sure that that “love” is a healthy thing.
Also, it’s been shown that that “love” typically lasts only 3 years after which either the relationship fizzles out or you’ve build that deeper kind of love which takes over. So personally I’ll take deep love over obsession time-limited love any day.
Why would be in a relationship knowing the other person doesn’t love you? Have some self worth and move on.
It sounds like you are in a difficult situation where your boyfriend wants to be in a committed relationship with you, but he does not have the same level of feelings for you that you have for him. This can be very hurtful and confusing, and it’s understandable that you are feeling unsure about whether or not to continue the relationship.
It’s important to remember that everyone experiences and expresses love differently. It’s possible that your boyfriend does have strong feelings for you, but they may not be the same as the “magic” or “romantic” feelings that you desire. Additionally, it’s important to remember that just because he has feelings for someone else, it doesn’t mean he values or cares for you any less.
It’s also important to consider whether or not a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t love you in the way you want is something that you can be happy and fulfilled with. While it’s possible to build a life with someone without feeling the “magic” of romantic love, it’s important to make sure that the relationship will bring you happiness and that you’re not settling for less than what you truly want.
Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to continue the relationship is a personal one that only you can make. It may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings and concerns and see if you can come to a mutual understanding or agreement about the relationship. If you decide to end the relationship, it’s important to remember that you deserve to be with someone who loves and cares for you in the way that you desire.
I would not settle for this.
You deserve to be loved. Don’t settle
I could understand OP if your partner didn’t feel as strongly about you as you do about him, but the fact that he loves someone else would be untenable for.
He’s telling you that he’ll settle for your relationship,
How charming. You shouldn’t settle for anything short of deep love. Best of luck