(29M) How to reach out to someone (27M) I went no contact with three years ago?

Alright, this is a long one.

About 6 years ago I met someone at college. I was attracted to him & told him, he said he wasn’t attracted to me. He wanted to still be friends, I said ok. Over the next three years we were in college together we grew really close, and my feelings for him just ballooned in a way I never really expected. He confided a lot in me, and towards the end he would even say that he loved me. I’m torn about this even now because in some respects it really seemed like he wanted to be with me romantically and even treated me like a romantic partner, but when I finally brought these things up with him as problems for me keeping our relationship platonic he at first said he didn’t mean it that way but later just… didn’t have an explanation for me. And when I said I would be telling him to stop when he did those things in the future, he was visibly upset. It really seemed to me like he wanted me romantically but was too scared of what people would think & how he would be treated in a visibly queer relationship. I’m extra sympathetic to this because 1. he’s from a conservative country where violence against queer people is normalized and 2. he’d only ever been with girls before, and I know from experience how scary it is to realize you’re not straight and you won’t be seen as straight because of who you have feelings for. At the same time, I have needs; I’ve been out for years, I’m older with a medical condition that may impact my fertility and I want kids, I have a strong desire to be affirmed & uplifted around queer issues by everyone I have a serious relationship with, romantic or otherwise. I began to feel like he was stringing me along, wanting to keep our relationship without shouldering any of the consequences a public reveal might bring. I got more and more upset the less he was able to explain. This lead to fighting, especially around the time we were going to graduate, which was three years ago in 2019. We did try to reconcile and got to speak to each other productively but we never really settled the issue. A few months after we did graduate and part ways on okay terms, we had another fight and he said we couldn’t be friends anymore. I got very upset and basically listed everything I’d been upset about these past months and then cut off most contact between us. He tried to keep talking to me initially but after blocking him on two platforms it’s been radio silence ever since.

I don’t know if I made the right decision there. Part of me is very aware we both have trauma histories with exes (gonna keep that as private as I can here) and I’m genuinely afraid to be in a relationship of any kind. Another part of me is insistent I had to protect myself from the way this intimate and deep relationship has hurt me for reasons that have nothing to do with me at all. The biggest feeling that I have, though, is grief, because our relationship, whether it was platonic or romantic, was one of the best and most exciting things in my life for a time. We’re really compatible in a lot of ways and I still genuinely think he’s someone I could spend my life with if that’s what he wants. At this point, though, I really don’t think I could ever be just his friend, and that I made a mistake by continuing to be one to him when I was so unhappy towards the end. If we do get to talking and he asks for a friendship without romance I would have to say no, for my own sake. I’m also aware that after three years apart he may not be the same person I knew and I may not be the same person he knew. It’s been a turbulent few years since we last spoke in both our home countries. Even if we both decide we want a relationship it would be long distance; where he works and his home country are so far from my current home that a flight would be my first choice to visit either, and I’m not currently making enough money to live on my own, much less move anywhere. I worry that I’m not offering much to him in exchange for a relationship that is bound to be turbulent initially, what with all our unresolved issues floating around, in addition to mentally and socially taxing because of the long distance & visible queerness. But I still have this strong desire to reach out, because I want to have closure. If this isn’t the relationship for me I want to know and move on instead of wondering if I’ve made a mistake I’ll regret for the rest of my life. I’m just not sure where to start. Even if he does take my call, what do I say? What would he even want to hear from me now?

**TL/DR**: I cut off someone I’m interested in after a three year, very deep friendship for my own sake. Seeking closure, and looking for advice on how to talk to them three years after the fact.