I haven’t spoken to my oldest and best friend “Jessica” in a year now so I guess the friendship is over. We never had a final conversation and I don’t know whether to leave it or try to do that.
I only know my side of the story as she and I never had an open-hearted conversation about what was happening. It all started when she met the man she is now married to, “Ryan”. Ryan was in the middle of a messy divorce and sounded like every other middle-aged man in that situation. Everything was his ex-wife’s fault and she was crazy. But from most of the stories I heard, it sounded like the ex-wife was fine and Ryan was the one in the wrong. I did point that out to Jessica from time to time, which went over like a lead balloon.
Over the years I found myself on the other side of the story. My ex-husband divorced me and treated me exactly how Ryan treated his ex-wife. Jessica had these stories about Ryan dragging his ex-wife back to court over and over to fight pointless fights about their kids just as my ex-husband was dragging me back to court over and over to fight pointless fights about my kids. I had to explain to Jessica at one point that it was painful for me to hear that stuff because of my own situation and she was surprised and didn’t seem to really get it.
When Jessica and Ryan got married they didn’t invite me to the wedding. They said it was because of covid but they invited plenty of other people so I am pretty sure it was because of my negative comments about Ryan. At the time Jessica tried to pretend that everything was fine but I was really hurt. I told her as much and looking back it seems like that whole situation was the nail in the coffin of our friendship. We have barely spoken since.
She is the extrovert in our friendship and used to initiate most of our conversations (she said more than once that she was happy with it though because she is naturally a social and outgoing person, which I am not). Ever since all this happened she hasn’t reached out and neither have I. Now enough time has gone by that it seems like the friendship is pretty much over, even though the last conversation we had was a totally normal one.
I honestly don’t really know what she is thinking. I’m guessing I upset her by being critical of her husband. I felt that she was insensitive to some of the things I was going through and willfully blind to some of her husband’s bad behaviors.
Do I just leave well enough alone and let the friendship die on this blurry note? Do I reach out for clarity to at least understand her side of things? Do I reach out to try to discuss and repair the friendship? WWYD?
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tl;dr Lifelong best friend and I stopped speaking to each other because of issues related to her husband but never had a conversation about being upset with each other or what to do about it. Let the whole friendship go or try to have a conversation?
6 comments
How do you know his ex wife isn’t crazy? Why are you snooping around to find out her character? Why are you playing devil’s advocate?
Why would your friend want you around if you don’t like her husband and actively disparage him to others? You’re making her choose between someone she liked enough to marry and someone she has to walk on eggshells around who doesn’t like the person she’s chosen to spend her life with.
I’m not clear on how you know your situation is so similar to his?
I’m sorry this is happening to you. A family member close to me is going through something very similar, losing a best friend of 40 years. My advice to them was let them go. You don’t need friends in your life that are going to make you feel insignificant. People change when they get into new relationships sometimes and it can get in the way of who they really are. They can become someone we don’t recognize.
It seems that she does not respect what you are going through and has chosen to stop communicating. That right there is your closure. Its hurtful but that is your answer. Again I’m sorry you are experiencing this, it’s not an easy thing to lose a friend. Let alone a friendship that spanned decades.
Maybe others will tell you to reach out but I would advise that to save yourself more hurt, I’d let it lie.
If you want to see if the friendship is still there, then a simple text or social media message like “I just wanted to say hi. I think about you often and I miss your friendship. I hope you are doing fantastic and everything is going great. If you want to meet up for coffee/whatever, I’d like to catch up.”
And if she responds, then just say hi, go meet her, and be friends. Easy enough.
Don’t bring up your “Reason” for why you think the friendship ended… just be friends and talk. Don’t bring up her husband or his ex-wife. That’s her marriage and her life now. It’s not your problem.
If you really want to talk about those things, then I’d suggest to leave it alone, go about your life, and just remember your friendship as it was.
Do you *want* to continue the friendship? It’s not clear.
It doesn’t seem like it will be possible to be as close as you were considering you dislike her husband, but it may be possible to have some sort of friendship. It sort of depends on whether you’re considering reaching out because of your history or because you actually miss her and want her in your life.
I lost a friend for the same reason. Her husband was abusive and though I didn’t Say anything, I’m sure he picked up on my disapproval. Eventually, the friendship died. Abusers try very hard to isolate their victims, from both family and Friends, because those people could point out the abuse and get the victim to leave/offer a support network that allows them to leave.
Ryan is isolating her from you, and probably others. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Until Jessica wakes up and realizes what is happening, she will do whatever it takes to maintain his approval–including cutting off everyone who cares about her.
But what you CAN do is be there for Jessica when she Does wake up and need you. That’s hard, because right now you feel betrayed. Why should you help her after the way she treated you? But please try to understand that Jessica doesn’t Know she’s being abused yet. She is probably being systematically brainwashed into believing she’s being “loyal” to her marriage by doing what he asks. He’s manipulating her.
Keep in touch with her, even if it’s just a “Hey, how are you? Would you like to get together for lunch?” message every few weeks. Let her know you’re still Here for her. That’s it. Be there. If she doesn’t answer, that’s okay, too. When things get bad for her, she’ll know she can come to you, and you will be there for her. You’re There, and you cannot know how much that can mean to someone suffering, even if they don’t admit it to you–out of shame, guilt.
What you don’t want to do is criticize Ryan or flat out tell her all of the above. That will cause her to turn against you, b/c she’ll see it not as you criticizing Ryan, but her choices and marriage. Right now, he has her too twisted up for her to realize what’s happening.
Just Be There. Nothing more, nothing less.
Now, I could be way off base here and talking out my bum, but that’s my instant take on it from years of experience. Either way, even if I am wrong, you still keep the door open, and your conscious is clear.
I would let it go; it’s clear she is taking her husband’s side on this one.
You didn’t “read the room” when you pointed out her then boyfriend’s faults. And I think not inviting you to her wedding was her very definite way of downgrading the friendship; not blurry at all.