For example, when a woman doesn’t want sex/isn’t in the mood, men are supposed to respect that; no questions asked. But when a man says he doesn’t want sex/isn’t in the mood, he’s either gay or he’s cheating. Why is this a thing?

31 comments

  1. >But when a man says he doesn’t want sex/isn’t in the mood, he’s either gay or he’s cheating.

    Any sane person wouldn’t actually think that.

  2. People are not very bright. They just repeat what they hear as if it’s true.

    And to be fair, men as a whole do market themselves this way. It’s baked into a lot of messaging people do on masculinity.

    “Men are simple and have simple needs” and similar messages. Particularly when young this is a marketing campaign to show how virile they are.

    I do hear lots of women surprised if their man isn’t interested in them, there’s just not much awareness of dudes that have even slightly lower sex drives than their partners.

    Me, I’m good with sex 2-4 times a week. More than that and it feels a little less special. Still run one out most nights but that’s just to help me sleep!

  3. In addition to what others have said, there’s been historically a lot of slut shaming and stigma around women being very openly sexual.

    Men haven’t faced nearly the stigma, so for many, by comparison, it seems like men are WAYYY more sexual than women and craving sex all the time.

  5. Personally, I think that you are exaggerating the responses to men not wanting sex.

    I do however, agree that women tend to be shocked or insulted when men decline sex. But that’s more likely the result of most men being willing to initiate sexual encounters and never saying no when asked.

    It’s no different than someone disliking something like eggs. Most people in the world enjoy eggs so when you come across people who don’t it’s shocking.

  6. Who are these “people”?

    Yes, on average, the willingness of a man to have sex in a particular situation will be higher than that of a woman — but a man is usually taller too, and no one believes that every male is in the NBA.

  8. A lot is down to what’s portrayed in the media. I thought like this due to that as I’d never discussed sex and libido with a guy. Once I did I didn’t think this anymore

  10. I think the gay/cheating assumption is probably less ubiquitous than you think.

    But in response to your title, that’s been the narrative about men and women’s libidos for as long as any of us have been alive. You can probably find an origin for these ideas somewhere historically, but I don’t know where it would be specifically. I think many religions incorporate it, with the insistence on women covering up to prevent men from sinning / going wild with lust, so it seems like it’s a very old concept that’s been baked into society fairly early on.

  11. I think it’s more that women are rarely turned down for sex, so they have a harder time dealing with it. Even if they know rationally that it’s okay for a man not to be in the mood, the emotional reaction is to feel hurt and either blame herself (“I don’t attract him anymore”) or lash out.

  12. Biggest thing is usually the man is always ready to have sex especially if he is really into her, which this is how it’s supposed to be. So women have the upper hand in choosing when. 90%of the time. If he says no when she wants then it’s a slap in the face. Crazy shit..

  13. Historically, there’s been a long held stereotype that men think about and want sex more than women Throughout media (movies, TV, porn, etc.), men are shown initiating sex talks/situations more than women and they usually aren’t shown turning down sex offers (unless it’s from an unattractive woman or another man). In real life, men are usually more willing than women to initiate sexual talks/encounters (even when women are not interested) and they’re less likely to decline offers. All this leads to many men and women with the idea that men will sex with whoever they can find.

    So when a man turns down an offer for sex, it can be a shock to women because that’s not what normally happens. Some women could be insulted because they think the man doesn’t find them attractive or something is wrong with them. Some women will go as far as to question a man’s sexuality or loyalty in order to save face and/or hurt the man.

  15. Unless I’m physically ill or in completely inappropriate situations I’m always ready. There are a lot of us so maybe it’s that.

  17. It’s a stereotype that men try to apply to justify a lack of restraint and women try to apply to validate rejection.

    The idea that men always want sex is perpetuated by both sexes, and it’s idiotic.

  18. It’s just a stereotype that men are always horny and will have sex with anything/anyone.

  19. It’s an old stereotype, that apparently is still widely accepted as truth. Women also want to believe that they can summon cock at the snap of a finger, so when you bruise their ego by saying no, they retaliate.

  20. It’s female self esteem I guess, as women are educated to be more elegant, if they get turned down on sex they would find reasons on you otherwise it can feel embarrassing… I’m just assuming that cos I’m a non-binary female

  22. Since we are being told from that we are young by movies, magazines, comments – society, that men wants sex all the time, that women/wifes are the ones stopping men from getting it, often by a lame head ache excuse. No wonder that men might feel unmanly if they are not up for it or that women feel strongly rejected and start asking what is wrong with her if her man is not begging for sex all the time.

    I am a woman and when I have been rejected by ex husband I felt like shite, because right men wants it and women claim head ache. What the hell was wrong with me? Then to fucking rub it in… sitting at dinner parties listening to friendly chatting, knowing I had a dead bedroom, when joking about sex and both the women and men in jokes still kept this notion up and even my ex patting me on my but in front of others to keep up appearences of being manly.

    Luckily I am out of that now and in new relationship where things are good. And for the record, I do understand that both women and men can have lack of lust, but that is not the message if you stick your ear to society walls.

    Any men wondering why women have a problem with rejection by their partner, then just start listening to the macho talk every where. Understand that your woman feel that she is not good enough for you. Explain to her that you are not always in the mood, just like she might not always be in the mood and that you love her to pieces and find her attractive but just don’t want sex tonight.

  24. Gender has nothing to do with libido or consent.

    Focus on your own libido and surround yourself with partners that respect your consent.

  26. It’s a product of sex having been, in most socieities, primarily shaped/defined by male desire *and control*. I emphasize the latter because it’s the one element here that can’t be overlooked.

    So many cultures perceive female sexuality as a *threat* that those societies have spent generations creating morals/rules/laws around female sexuality while holding male sexuality to far fewer of those same, strict standards.

    Now imagine, literally centuries of this later, what effect this has?

    Male sexuality = freedom, power, possessing control.

    Who wouldn’t want that? And therefore, when a man says “I’m not feeling sexual” it’s like they’re saying “no thanks, I’m not interested in having these things that I’m supposed to be entitled to as a man” and people — women and men alike — can’t understand it. “Why wouldn’t you want all this sexual power? What’s wrong with you?”

    Meanwhile, female sexuality = powerlessness, being controlled, serving for the pleasure of others.

    As people in more liberalized societies begin to recognize this, they’re more sympathetic towards women who have a negative relationship to sex because *it makes sense to them that they’d be negative about it* if it comes with these negative associations.

    But like I’m saying: male sexuality traditionally hasn’t had to deal with *any negative associations*. And so a man who turns down sex seems to people to be “not a real man” because why would any person ever turn down such power?

  27. There’s this thing humans are wired to do called “stereotyping.” It can be a great survival instinct…after all, if one bear tries to eat you odds are good that others will as well, so you should avoid them. With other people though…it creates a lot of problems, keeps us from seeing individuals.

    The men/sex thing exists because it does happen that way a lot, we’re wired for it, but there are always outliers and exceptions, and we should always be ready to see and acknowledge them. (side note: I would bet huge money that the most common reason for a guy not being up for sex is that he already got off recently, probably solo)

  29. I’m a woman & I thought men want sex 24/7 cuz the men I’ve been with did indeed want sex 24/7… I only recently realized that they were sex addicts. Lol

  31. Women are the absolute worst at handling any type of rejection.

    I’ve had women IRL try to sleep with me or go out with me, reject them and the first thing they do, with anger might I add, is say “are you gay?”. This has happened 6-7 times to me.

    I once was pissed at the girl I was with for something she knew was her fault, rejected sex in a nice way because I wasn’t in the mood, and came home to a clean house and an interrogation 😂.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like