Me (21m) and my partner (18f) have been together for about 6 months now. Due to sexual trauma, she has trouble with, simply said, my penis inserting her vagina. So much so to the point where she starts hyperventilating when we are almost about to have sex.
At first, having sex wasn’t really realistic anyways. Since both sides of our parents are always home. We have done many things that aren’t penetration like oral and with fingers however. Lately, we have been seeing each other without parents around a lot more and the sexual tension between us is insane.
Even though she wants to have sex, it just doesn’t work. Even if all the preparations are good and she says she’s ready, her body still gives up on her when I am almost inside her. We both know the issue and want to change it, even to a point where she said I could sneakily put it in her while she’s sleeping, just so she gets rid of her trauma. But honestly, I can’t do that.
She’s had therapy, but all she can do is try to get over the trauma by acutally having sex.
We both want to have sex and get rid of her trauma. So our question is: Does somebody have experience with this? And what would you suggest? Even if you don’t have experience, what would you suggest?
For people wondering: breaking up is never going to be an option because I love her with all my heart, and I would do nearly everything for her.
8 comments
Run for your life! I know you said breaking up isn’t an option, but odds are it’s gonna happen, so why suffer?
Sex toys such as a small dildo to help her accommodate the penetration, let her muscles relax a bit once she cums from penetration and your oral skills
My current partner and I both have sexual trauma, so we’re going to weigh in here.
It’s good that you two are working together on this. It’s important to set realistic expectations of what progress looks like. Trauma is something we carry with us for the rest of our lives, so there’s no easy, immediate solution to fix things. Instead, part of being a survivor of sexual violence is learning to manage our trauma by responding differently to things that trigger our trauma. The trauma is still there but we can shape how it affects us.
If your partner’s trigger is penetration, then I’d suggest focusing on using sex toys to simulate this experience. If you’re penetrating her during sex, then there’s the added pressure of her pleasing you, which can lead to frustration when her trauma prevents her from doing so. By focusing on making penetration about her pleasure, it may be easier for her to focus on her own sensations.
Also, penetrative sex may not be something you two are able to have on a regular basis. This is the situation with my partner and I given our past traumas. We are still able to find sexual fulfillment through other ways of having sex, but if you need consistent, penetrative sex then you two may not be compatible long-term. That’s not a value judgement against either of you. You are not wrong for having specific, sexual needs. She is not wrong for not being comfortable with penetration. In addition to loving your partner, you must also be sexually compatible to be viable together in a long-term relationship.
Take things slow and be patient. Things can get better if you two are able to work together on this. Best of luck.
Get a side piece
I’d say talk it out beforehand and for a few times, be together with *the explicit agreement that you’re not expecting and/or planning of putting your dick in her*. Discuss if you’d both agree to maybe have her tie your hands? It’d might help her be calmer about the whole thing? Then let her lead and do whatever dirty things (within reason and your consent, of course!) she wants to do to you.
Try to introduce having you penis close to her opening without pushing in? Maybe that will help?
And be patient.
Her reaction is completely involuntary and therefore it won’t be simple for her to just get over it. Since she’s already doing therapy i just taking things as slow as possible while slowly escalating. Forget about PIV for now and let her know that there is no pressure or expectation to have piv sex. Focus on giving her pleasure like kissing her neck, her breasts etc. make her feel loved and safe and eventually you might be able to go down on her without her reciprocating. Trauma is always tough to deal with and some people never get over it but just be patient with her and maybe one day things will improve.
DO it, or don’t do it.
All I can tell you is that my previous ex-wife (we were married for 18+ years) never did recover from sexual trauma from her childhood, and it was a major issue in our relationship.
Do NOT get married to this person until you figure out if this trauma can be overcome, either through therapy, experience, or a combination of both. A lifetime of sexual incompatibility and mindset is a miserable lifetime – I don’t care how much emotional love you share, it may not be enough.
I have/had the same „problem“ for years.
First: it‘s good that you work together on this. Understanding was really important for me, not only words, acting, too.
It took me many years. My biggest problem was that I subconsciously put myself under pressure. That it has to work.
I told my partner from the beginning, that I had a problem and why. Also I told him, that it doesn‘t work any time.
He was understanding and accepted it and never questioned it if it just didn’t work out. We had a „we don’t try it this time“ Agreement regularly. He still doesn‘t question it til today. He was the first where it worked without any pain and regularly.
It still happens from time to time that it doesn’t work. Sometimes more sometimes less. But it‘s always beautiful for him. Tell her, you love the things you‘re doing, too and make sure, she loves it, too.
I needed time to not put myself on pressure anymore, time to trust. And the Most important thing: you both shouldn‘t feel bad when it doesn‘t work. There are many more things to do, so don’t let it spoil your fun if it doesn’t work out. 🙂
So I can’t really give you any advice or , but I hope it helps anyway. You are not alone in this.
Edit: it help a lot(!) when I‘m up.