7 years ago I had a one night stand. Nine months later, I had a kid. She’s 6 and I’ve had sole custody of her since the day she was born. Her bio mom was not ready to raise a child, so she opted out in being in her life. I’ve been raising her along with my wife, who has been in her life since she was 5 months old.
Her bio-mom contacted me and asked if it was possible that she could see her. She hasn’t done anything that indicates that she’s a danger or anything like that, but then it dawned on me, I don’t know her. Like I know basically nothing about her or her personality. I’ve seen her a total of 4 times in my life. Since she lives so far away, it’s quite hard to get to know her. So I’m thinking, do I allow her to see my daughter, and if so, how can I ensure that she’s safe to be around?
26 comments
The woman is her mother. Understandable how she was not ready to be a mom at the time, she was a teenager that you slept with.
Come on, she was good enough for you to put your dxick in at the time and unload until she gets pregnant, she should get the chance to see her child.
Yeah who would have thought an 18 year old was ready to raise a kid vs the 25 year old.
Bravo you knocked up a virtual kid.
Anyways, get to know her. Call her, talk to her. Find out where’s she’s at now that she’s at the ripe old age of 25 and more fully developed.
Maybe look into a child or family counselor to help facilitate it.
Legally she has no right to see her. I’ve been in foster care and adopted with a semi open adoption. Tread lightly – even meeting her bio mom is a big event – children who are adopted or in foster care legal guardianship can feel the largest ripples when small events even come up related to their background.
6 is young – if this is only a one time thing it could be weird. Id personally ask people in the field related to foster care and adoption because it is really important you go about this carefully. You should only be getting the best advise from those with experience- most people will just romanticize that they be reunited and have no idea a small mistep can do more harm than good.
Talk to your daughter about where she came from – there should be no secrets from any age but do not feel obligated to the mother to have her see your daughter until you are 💯comfortable in your decision and know it’s the right one.
I am glad I couldn’t meet my bio parents until I was legally able to make that choice at 18 as well – having a semi open adoption made my very sparse relationship with my grandmothers a huge burden. They demand so much emotionally from me at 30+ despite us never being close but being introduced as a child.
Summary- this is very sensitive. Consult with those who have experience in this so that your daughter isn’t forced into uncomfortable experiences or relationships that she can’t consent to at 6
Let’s rephrase this. You, at 25, slept with and impregnated an 18 year old teenager. Someone only 11 years older than your daughter is right now.
This kid that you knocked up was understandably unprepared to have a child. You, far older than she was, were in a better position to care for the baby. So you did.
Now that the girl you impregnated is a full-fledged adult, she wants to get to know the child she helped to create. What do you think that you should do here?
(Hint: let the once-teenager you impregnated get to know the child she bore for you.)
Id also shift the focus – you seem to think her physical safety is the most important or main concern. Her mental well-being and comfort is also in jeopardy here. If you yourself don’t know the bio mom well than I would say you’d revisit this when she’s a little older so you can figure out what is best. You can give her updates about her so that she feels she knows a little about her but I’m way more worried for your daughters mental health and comfortability before I am of her physical safety.
Lastly – if you don’t know her well enough to know if she’s safe – that is the answer you have right now. You don’t have enough info or guidance to entertain her desires right now.
Just my two cents! It’s ok to tell her no and give it time xx
I would ask your daughter.
For what it’s worth, I’m kinda the kid in that situation (well I’m 42 now). I never met my dad, it was real hard for me growing up for multiple reasons.
That family reached out to me in my early 30s, I chose to meet my 3 sisters and some cousins and my sisters’ mother.
I called my mom after the first meeting and told her I get why she didn’t want them to be a part of my life. I don’t know if it was the right decision or not, but I understand.
I never met my father, I had the opportunity to and he requested to meet. I decided I had grieved that absence years ago and had molded myself into a successful functioning adult without his help, I don’t need him now.
He’s dead now, I don’t have regrets not meeting him. I am glad I chose to meet my sisters and keep in contact with them.
Boundaries are great things, setting them can be harder.
Some of the people without contact with mothers are for a good reason, yet they have still had some contact. Supervised is okay. Set some rules, perhaps restrict gifts to something small, respect the child’s boundaries so no forced hugs or kisses. Perhaps go to a play area or an indoor play, less pressure and interaction can be in public and like a normal adult/child interaction, same as any uncle or aunt or friend.
Some of the children have a picture book of family members that they have not met, like grandparents, cousins or uncles/aunts with a family tree. This can help when schools do family trees as well. That way the child can know names and faces without any pressure.
As this parent is cominng from far away, you may wish to plan consecutive days, say a lunch out, amusement park, indoor play area or other activity.
Safety would depend on you, if you are unsure make sure it is public and that the child doesn’t go unsupervised. You can also agree to meet up beforehand and talk before so you can set the boundaries and rules and gauge emotions and behaviour.
You are within your rights to say that she can come but you don’t guarantee that she will get to do what she wants to, that the right to see his child is with you and you want to make sure the child is emotionally protected first, hence meeting up with her beforehand to outline boundaries like hugging etc. You can even set topics so if you want to avoid suggestions like “don’t you want to live with mommy” will be responded to specifically with a shut down of the visit. Being clear about what is appropriate but also advising her of things that the child likes or doesn’t like. Perhaps guide her towards an appropriate gift and a family picture book before she arrives.
She isn’t really any different to visits from family that your daughter hasn’t met yet. You just need to make sure the boundaries are clear beforehand.
Whatever you decide, the visitation should be supervised by either you or someone you trust. Like you said, you don’t know this woman and you don’t know what she’s done since you’ve last seen her.
Talk to your little girl and if your little girl is agreeable to meeting her then definitely do a supervised visit. It might be a one and done, or she might ask to be a bigger part of your daughter’s life. That would be up to you and your wife if the mother signed over her parental rights.
This is actually hilarious. You literally were willing to risk putting “your dick in crazy” and got your kid. Not you claim “you know nothing” JFC you know you wanted to screw her. Now invite her over to see the kid
Meet with her and get to know her and why she wants to see her daughter. You can make a decision after you get this information. Does your daughter know that your wife isn’t her mom? Anyone I know with an absent parent still wants to know they love them. It would benefit her if she knew her birth mom still wanted to see and know about her. It sounds like she has a stable life with you and your wife but she will always wonder about her birth mom.
IMO keep talking with her and learn more about her. She wasn’t ready at 18, that’s not a huge shock. You don’t give any details on her feelings during pregnancy but those could help point you in the right direction. Find out about her life since she’s gone. Has she been working to be stable so she could be a mother? Has something drastically changed in her life that’s made her feel ready?
The only way you will know is if you ask. She could always be lying, but she also could be telling the truth. Maybe snoop a little on fb or instagram if you’re really worried. And, you guys could always start small if your really unsure, like a supervised FaceTimes with Dad’s friend. I think she will just have to understand your hesitation towards letting someone walk into your daughters life that already opted to stay out of it. I don’t think you should shut her out though.
NO. Not until you know a lot, a lot more about her. Who is she, what does she want? Do you have full LEGAL custody of your daughter? What about your wife? Get your legal shit in order.
You are going to get plenty of comments on this, so the most important thing you need to keep in mind is: The best interests of your child.
How are you going to explain this person to her? Does she know she has a bio mom and an adoptive mom? Along with eleventy-billion other things you need to consider.
Keep bio mom AWAY until you are SURE this ‘visiting’ business will benefit your kid – no one else matters.
Does your daughter know your wife isn’t her biomom?
The best way to guage if the biomom is safe to meet is to talk to her without making any promises to meet your daughter. Meet somewhere neutral and far away from home and talk about what she expects from the interaction.
Since you have full custody, you have full control about much your daughter gets exposed to. You get to decide if it’s in your daughter’s best interest to meet at all.
Talk to a child therapist, they’ll probably have the best advice on how to manage this.
You meet with her first before you decide to introduce her to your daughter. You don’t want to blindsided on the spot. If you do allow the meet you set up boundaries requirements. Your wife needs to be onboard with this first before all this occurs or it will blow up your relationship.
OP was a 25 year old man when he impregnated a 17 year old child. Now he’s on here acting like he performed some magnanimous deed. The child’s mother, who was practically a child herself likely had no idea what giving up her baby would entail. OP should be making every effort to include his daughter’s mother in her life.
Damn, so you knocked up a teenager as a 25 year old, got custody and now you won’t even let her see the kid?
Op I think she’s going to show up and get bored and leave your daughter again … I would hem ad haw for a few months and see how much willpower the bio mom has.
OP, when you say that the bioMom opted not to be in your daughter’s life, did you do all the legal work necessary to make that a reality? In other words, did she sign away her rights or just walk away?
I wonder, what does your daughter want?
Reading your comments your daughter knows her step mom isn’t her biological mother and so far the bio mom isn’t making any problems so why not?
First I would suggest arranging to meet her to discuss her intentions and understand how she is. As long as she doesn’t cross boundaries and tries to turn her against you both then I don’t see the harm. But until she’s shown she can be trusted only have visitations with somebody there
u were 25 and she was 18? it makes sense that she wasn’t ready for parenthood she was a literal child. let her see the kid now that she’s older and wants to.
Maybe hire someone to look deep into her background. If she appears to be safe, check with a therapist that specializes in family therapy perhaps? Good luck.❤
Just have a conversation with her bio mom and ask what’s going on. Check out her online presence and see if you feel comfortable with your daughter seeing her.
If your daughter was in the position of her bio mum, how would you hope the father would proceed?
An eighteen year old girl not wanting to raise a child isn’t an odd need. She’s a grown up now (like you were when the baby was born) so it makes sense she wants to at least get to know her.
Is the daughter adopted by your wife?
Did you ever actually REMOVE parental rights from the bio mum? Because you might actually HAVE to let her be involved if you didn’t.
If she gave up her parental rights legally, then she can’t do anything…
But, if you want to give her a chance to see her daughter, I would recommend a supervised visit. Build the trust, make sure you have all her current information.