He has long and unkept hair. Although I enjoyed our first date, I cant get past that appearance, plus what he wore was an old hoodie. His photos on the dating app were of him put together and well dressed.
Though I enjoyed talking to him and we shared some laughs – I cannot get past his current look. I was able to get out of his date invite for this weekend by saying I have plans with friends all weekend long but he asked for next week already. I don’t know what to say. I feel bad like I lead him on during the date. He has a nice personality but I can’t get over shabby look.
Please help me draft something to say because its such a deal breaker and I don’t want to ghost.
Update: followed some great advice below and drafted a message stating a lack of compatibility. His response was him trying to save face sprinkled with dishonest and stating how he hated when girls expected him to pay for a date. I did not respond to take the high road but now I wish I was brutally honest with him.
26 comments
Heyy ___, I really enjoyed my time last week with you however I don’t think there was a spark for me.
Then you can add something to add a bit personality but basically you don’t need to give him a reason, there wasn’t a spark/connection and that’s it
I would find it pretty weird to reject someone who I clicked with on a date over something that is easily changed; but hey…I guess first impressions count.
Its not catfishing but a it has a tiny amount of it in it. I mean you show yourself on a dating app how you look not like you could look in my opinion. Complete fine reason to say no.
I mean if you are extremly nice you could tell him that but i understand if you dont want to get into an argument about it
Tell him he dresses like a bum & no thanks
Be honest
If you’re sure you aren’t interested, I might say something like: “Thank you so much for the invitation. I enjoyed getting to know you a bit, and really appreciated the chance to meet in person. While you seem to be a great guy, I don’t feel it is a match for me, so I’m not interested in pursuing things any further. But I wish you the best, and hope you have a great rest of your week!”
Best to be direct, (and rip off the bandaid fast?)
“Hi! Thank you for the invite! When we went to (first date location), I had a nice time getting to know you. Ultimately, after thinking about things, I’m not feeling the spark I’m looking for so I’ll have to skip a second date.I wish you all the best”.
part of maturity is knowing how to reject and accept rejection. a simple “we’re not compatible in the way I’m looking for” should do
Do you feel open to just telling him what you feel about him? “Hey there was a spark but there were a couple things that felt off for me…etc”. This way he’ll know your sincere feelings plus it could help him grow for the next person. I would love to know things I could’ve done differently, helps a lot.
OP as someone who dresses like a bum when he doesn’t have to look good, a date doesn’t fall under those times you can dress as a bum. Just be straight up with him and say that while you find his personality attractive, you don’t find him physically attractive in person. If he asks for more of an explanation, just be like I don’t get any spark/excitement from being with you. If he brings up the kiss “Yeah, we kissed, but thinking about it made me realize there was nothing there”
I’m not a fan of ghosting, but I also understand how hard it is to possibly hurt someone’s feelings. What if you just take extra long to reply to any future messages and just give short replies? Maybe things will just fizzle out? This is stressing me out for you. 😂 (I’ve been out of the dating scene for a very very long time)
For me, it seems like you are not turned off by his physical appearance, but rather by his sloppy style.
You tell him why you feel the way you think, and then offer him to take it further only if he puts himself together as he did on those dating app photos. Then he can agree or not if he gonna do an effort for you on his appearance.
Just be honest and tell what it is.
“You don’t look like the way you present yourself in your profile and I am not attracted how you choose to present yourself in person.”
You are also borderline catfished and he might need that input to not rolling this again to someone else.
>we get along very well, I had fun, we clicked, we kissed but..
>he is slightly less groomed than his pictures he uses on a profile he uses to impress people.
>I’m going to ignore all his further advances while he puts in effort to make time for me and not tell him “its not working”
Jesus Christ, this poor dude.
If you want to be that superficial, that is your prerogative, but when you talk about leading him on for WEEKS and plotting to “fizzle him out” over something superficial just so you can protect your own feelings ….and it’s something that can be easily fixed, but you wont even bother to help, or communicate how you feel…
yeah, you’re being really awful.
Either help him out a bit and put some effort in, or cut him off clean in a way he understands he needs to improve some things in a constructive manner. If you “care about his feelings”, give him some advice and move on. Don’t string him along, don’t “fizzle him out”.
Behavior like this where women refuse to reject dudes probably is like a “bitter man” creating machine.
So since reddit hates one word answers let’s try two words.
The Truth…….
Ask him ‘Does he want you to meet him at the homeless shelter’ ? Good luck. ❤️
Positive sandwich – say something positomive then the negative thing, then end on a positive
I had a nice time and you seem like a great guy. I just wasnt feeling any chemistry and I dont want to lead you on or waste your time any further so I wont be going on a second date. Wish you all the best and hope you find someone you deserve.
Tell him you’re not interested
You’re over thinking this
just write that you don’t feel the chemistry or whatever and next time don’t lead anyone.
if he asks why tell him the truth.
Ghosting is never ok.
Just be upfront and say he isn’t your type
Just tell him, I don’t find you attractive because you don’t really match your picture well.
Showing up for a date looking like a slob is immature and disrespectful.
I realize dressing like total shit is becoming socially acceptable now, especially for younger people, you know, because “tech” and because it’s cool to look like you don’t care and all that, but you should tell him this. This should be a legitimate turn-off, not just nit-picking.
“Honestly, I felt a little disrespected that you put effort into your appearance for your profile but not for our date, and that turned me off. I wish you the best of luck.”
A guy who shows up for a job interview with greasy long hair and a hoodie will not usually get the job, even an IT role where he can look like shit once he’s hired. First impressions and appearances matter, as much as people want to kick and scream about that. You’re 100% in the right on this.
“hey! I want to be honest and upfront, while i enjoyed meeting you, I don’t see a romantic future with you. Thanks for the time you took to meet up and chat”
It’s not that hard.
If he pushes, just say there is an in person element when you meet someone you cant capture in texting or a dating profile and didn’t feel enough attraction emotionally or physically.
It was nice meeting you and I enjoyed chatting with you, but I am not attracted to you.
It’s okay to turn him down for a second date.
Update: he texted back. And it was not a super graceful response and theres def a falsehood in there so I almost wish I was brutally honest but taking the high road and ignoring it.