We have been in a relationship for 8 months.
The day before yesterday my boyfriend and I agreed that I would go to his house (he lives with his parents, student) the day after (so yesterday). We live about 30mins away from eachother by car and its 1 hour by train for me. I didn’t have access to my car yesterday so I was going to go by train. However I wasn’t feeling very much like doing that and needed some hyping up for it so I called my bf and asked if I should come now. The reason I wasn’t feeling like going to my bf’s house is because he doesn’t think about me when I’m there. For example: when I arrive, he just goes and sits at his desk and continues doing what he was doing and I am left there with nothing to do (after some cuddles ofcourse), also when he wakes up he just starts his day without thinking about me, goes downstairs without telling me anything and eats his breakfast, goes for a run,… meanwhile I am in his bed not knowing where he is and not capable of starting my day.
So that’s the reason why I wasn’t very excited to go to his house but after the call I went to his house anyways because I missed him. Even though he has a car and it’s only a 30mins drive for him but he wasn’t feeling like coming to my house.
When I arrived there yesterday we had a great evening and eventually fell asleep around 1am. Right before we fell asleep we had sex but after he came it was done and he didn’t bother to think about me. That resulted in me being clingy the whole night and wanting to cuddle which he didn’t want and asked for room which I gave him.
This morning he woke up and started his day just like as if he would be alone/single. He ate breakfast, went running, without letting me know anything. He just acts as if he is alone and always puts himself first. When he was back I asked if we could go to my student room (in another city where we both were going to stay for a couple of days together). Because I wasn’t feeling at home there and felt like I couldn’t start my day properly. He agreed and we got ready to go.
However he then looked at his calendar and saw that he had planned to do something with a friend of his tonight in his hometown. He always forgets things and plans things with me without knowing for sure that he is available. So I was annoyed that once again he had made double plans and thus wasn’t able to go to our studentroom together. He asked if it was okay for him to just drop me off there (30mins drive) and I agreed. During the whole ride I was very silent and dry towards him because of all this frustration. He asked me multiple times to talk about it but I didn’t see the conversation ending well so I didn’t talk about it. When we arrived he was going to park the car and come inside with me for a while and I was planning on talking about it with him once we were inside.
However he didn’t park the car but just stopped it by the side of the road to drop me off. I got out of the car, took my bags, made eye contact with him, said bye, and walked to the door. I saw him drive away and thought that maybe he was going to park the car and return to me. I called him 5 times but he didn’t pick up. Turns out he forgot his phone at home and he texted me when he was home. So he just left and went home.
I told him via text that i called him 5 times. I asked if he really left and is at home now? He replied with ‘yes 😬’. That’s when I turned of my notifications and made this reddit post. I feel like he has the mindset of a person that’s single. My ex boyfriend was the complete oposite of this and I think about it alot.
TLDR: My (21F) boyfriend (23M) is very sloppy when it comes to planning things, always thinks about himself first. I am frustrated by this.
UPDATE: After I talked about this with him with all your advice he drove all the way back to me and surprised me with flowers and a bottle of wine to make good. 🥰Thanks for all your comments!
9 comments
I would just confront him about those exact problems, though I think he might not gonna change. (If this went on for the latter months or your relationship). I do believe there way better out there who suit you more, considering his actions are just straight up selfish
It sounds like you are done with this relationship.
INFO: why aren’t you capable of starting your day when your boyfriend leaves the bed in the morning? Everything else may be a fair gripe, but that statement felt really weird to me.
Maybe he’s just looking for someone as independent as he is and maybe you’re looking for someone more sentimental.
Sitting around feeling bitter and resentful will hurt you more than him. Just end it rather than stewing all day.
Damn If your ex boyfriend was so amazing compared to your current boyfriend why’d you leave him?
This isn’t about your ex.
This is about your current boyfriend not making any effort.
Why are you waiting around for him to change instead of letting him go and moving on?
Comments are split but I think you’re too co-dependent on your partner, for what he is willing to offer you. Nobody has done anything wrong here. You both just sound like different people.
This has nothing to do with your ex. This guy is a crappy boyfriend.
You’re 21. You Don have to put up with and try to fix people. Let him ignore someone else and you can find someone who actually gives a crap about spending time with you, making sure you’re sexually satisfied and is actually engaged in the relationship with you.
Uh, at the risk of stating the obvious, this has nothing whatsoever to do with your ex. You throw in the ex comparison in a single sentence on the very end of this massive story. You should probably reframe this problem in your own mind.
It sounds like he doesn’t respect you at all, however much he does or doesn’t “love” you. His actions just show almost complete disinterest in you outside of what he personally gets from the relationship. You are at a point here where you need to be communicating how dire the situation is, that is if you even want to salvage the relationship at this point. It sounds dramatic, but you really can’t do much with people who fundamentally don’t respect you, your time, your effort, and your desires.
It’s POSISIBLE he is just beyond dense or has autism or something, so there does exist a path forward but it still involves him being willing to sit down, listen calmly to what your frustrations and fears are, actually treat them seriously and with respect, AND be willing and able to actually change going forward. That’s a hefty order, but like I said, it’s at least possible. It’s up to you.
Your only other option is just continuing in the relationship with someone you know is using you and that sucks if you ask me.
Your current bf sounds like my ex. You gotta remember it’s 8 months, generally the honeymoon period is 6 months to 1 year. Are you okay with this treatment (or worse) until the day you die? Cuz it most likely won’t change.
My current bf of 10 months is ALWAYS excited to see me. We have date nights, we hang out together and we’re only 5 mins away from each other. Not to mention my bf comes over most of the time (I have dogs dishes and dinner and he’s got roommates whereas I live by myself it makes sense for him to come over 90% of the time). What’s your bfs excuse? Also we do give time for me times when we need it. Since my bf sees his friends on Saturday I just do my me time then.