Three months ago, I (30F) started a new activity: acro yoga. It’s more like acrobatics than yoga, and involves a base supporting a flyer in a series of poses. It’s a very niche activity; there are only a few places in my city that provide acro yoga events, because there are so few people who practice and are able to teach it. Therefore, pretty much all of them know each other.
I’ve gotten close with the woman (36F) who teaches my weekly acro yoga classes. We’ve gotten together several times outside of classes for rock climbing, dinner with friends, my birthday party, her giving me rides to classes, and even a recent road trip to an acro yoga retreat out of town. Lots of quality time to bond. I’ve discovered how incredible she is. We have a LOT in common, and she has many qualities that I admire. Plus, we have a flirty banter going on and are on touching terms: hugging, rubbing each other’s backs, and putting our arms around each other while sitting next to each other. She has called me “lovely” several times and even told me my eyes are “beautiful.” In short, I’ve been getting little hints that she might like me too. I suppose it needs to be said that we’re both queer.
This week, I bucked up the courage to ask her out. She responded that she feels a “strong emotional connection” with me, but that she doesn’t date within the acro community. She said she has tried it twice before, and that it made this group where she has found “so much healing and connection” somewhere she was “afraid to go.”
I’ve been struggling hard with the rejection. I’m dying to know whether I would’ve had a chance with her had we met a different way. This has gotten me thinking about relationships within tight-knit communities. I understand the importance of space spaces, but to me, it seems like a shame to rule out potential romantic connections with people just because they’re in the same group. My crush is an incredibly emotionally mature person, and has even been able to navigate polyamory. If you ask me, having multiple partners at once seems way more difficult and emotionally risky/complicated than simply going out with someone within the same community. I will obviously respect her boundaries, but they just seem odd to me. I’m trying to come to terms with them. So I wanted to ask Reddit:
* Does this boundary seem odd to you too, or would you also be inclined to avoid dating within a tight-knit community?
* Do you think it would be beneficial for me to ask her about the falling outs that led her to create this boundary, so that I can better understand her reasoning?
* Do you think it’s appropriate for me to ask her if she would’ve dated me otherwise?
* Do you have any suggestions for ways to get over her?
**TL;DR: I was rejected by my crush for being part of the same tight-knit community as her, and I’m trying to come to terms with it.**
3 comments
Yes it does seem like a reasonable boundary, especially given her history and experience with it going bad. It’s like dating within a friend group, things get awkward if they go sour.
> Do you think it would be beneficial for me to ask her about the falling outs that led her to create this boundary, so that I can better understand her reasoning?
No. Because I don’t think you really want to “understand more”, she already told you her reasoning. It went bad in the past. It think you’re more trying to find little cracks in her experiences where you would then say, “but I’ll be different!”
> Do you think it’s appropriate for me to ask her if she would’ve dated me otherwise?
No again. Because what is that going to solve? You’re in the community. To ask this is also to question if you two would’ve ever met.
> Do you have any suggestions for ways to get over her?
Start trying to interact or place your focus on others.
>Does this boundary seem odd to you too, or would you also be inclined to avoid dating within a tight-knit community?
I would avoid it. Too much potential for drama you don’t need.
>Do you think it would be beneficial for me to ask her about the falling outs that led her to create this boundary, so that I can better understand her reasoning?
Nope. It comes off like you’re trying to renegotiate her boundaries to get what you want.
>Do you think it’s appropriate for me to ask her if she would’ve dated me otherwise?
Nope. Because you’re assuming she’d be interested in you at all.
>Do you have any suggestions for ways to get over her?
Remind yourself that you have no right to demand someone violate their own safe space just so you can have A Relationship.
I think there’s probably more to the story than her just not wanting to date someone from her same hobby group. Either there’s another reason she isn’t telling you for not wanting to date you, the Chicago acro yoga community is a bunch of jealous drama queens and you’re too new to that community to have figured it out, or possibly both.