I 35f have been seeing this guy 37m for a few months now. We talked ages before we decided to get together.
In the beginning, everything was great, as it often is. He made me feel amazing.
I was in an abusive relationship before for many years, it was a living hell.
This guy came along, “Jack” and he made me feel like the most beautiful woman ever.
He was constantly showering me with compliments, buying me flowers, told me he loved me, he’d never met anyone like me. I was very guarded at first, but bit by bit I let myself fall for him.
When we met, he was living at his parents after breaking up with his ex who has two kids with. He finally moves into his own place and this is where things start to change. He starts to be a bit distant with me. I ask him what’s wrong, and he says nothing… but i know something has changed because he’s not all that info me as before.
I said to him that it felt like he used me for an ego boost when he was down in life. And now he’s got a good job, a nice place, its like you don’t need me anymore. He said that was ridiculous.
So he shuts down emotionally as its like he can’t deal with any kind of problem we’re having.
My abusive ex still hasn’t let me go, says he still loves me etc. If I mention this to Jack, he gets stressed and frustrated and distant with me.
He’s broken up with me 3 times now. The third time was yesterday. He says that our situation is too hard for us to be together. Which is true, if he’s not working he has his 2 kids. He works silly hours too.
I have 2 children, and my ex won’t have the kids overnight, if Jack doesn’t have his kids, then I will go to his and spend a few hours there, depending how it works out for my ex to have our kids.
Jack lives about 30 mins away and we both drive. At the beginning, he was constantly messaging me asking when he can see me, and just making SO much effort to see me.
Now it’s the opposite, he says as he no longer lives at home, he has nobody to have his kids whilst he pops out to see me, even though he has said that family members have offered to look after his kids. Jack has said he doesn’t want to not see his kids at the cost of seeing me. Which I kind of understand, but it still hurt a little.
Yesterday, I mentioned that I was possibly going out with my friend in the evening for food, he accused me of being vague about my answers, as he asked me if I was going with my children and I said no. He blew up at me saying that he can’t be dealing with all this nonsense, that I was trying to make him jealous. I was so confused.
He then ignored me all night and most of today. Because of past trauma, ignoring me like I don’t exist is the worst thing that you can do to me. Which I’ve told him before.
I spoke to him on the phone today and he’s said the usual “you’re amazing, you’re so beautiful, there’s nothing that I can fault with you, our situations are so hard. We only see each other once or twice a week, how can we have a relationship like that”
I have, and said to him, that I always make the effort and would continue to do so because I want to be with him.
He does sound Confused, but he’s messing with my heart and my head.
I’m at a very low point in my life right now. Struggling with anxiety and depression, which I’m on setraline for. I also think that I have borderline personality disorder.
The symptoms sound like me 100%. I’m trying to find the courage to get this sorted.
My youngest who is 3, is autistic and Adhd, he barely sleeps. I feel so miserable and exhausted all the time.
I have my parents, but they won’t have my youngest to sleep over as he doesn’t sleep well, but they will have my two eldest every 3 weeks.
I’m finding life just so hard at the moment. I thought that I had found someone who truly loved and cared about me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
He told me at the beginning,that he would do anything to make us work, that’d all be worth it.
Now he says that our situations are too hard, but his feelings haven’t changed and he doesn’t know what to do for the best.
My best friend recently moved abroad, and I’m struggling with that too. She has said that he sounds like a loser, and that this is the third time that he’s done this to me.
She thinks that he is loving the control of me chasing him, and that all he does is talk about himself, and being with him is an escape for me. She’s not completely wrong to be honest.
He very rarely asks me how I am,only if I ask first. He talks constantly about his life and past life. He moans about work all the time. I think he’s probably been spoilt by his mum and dad to be honest. They think the sun shines out of him.
When we first met, I wasn’t really attracted to him, but I kept telling myself that he treats you amazing, you’ll never get anyone like that again,and I started falling for him.
I’m just looking for some advice really, some support, some straight talking.
I’d appreciate some advice like I’m a friend of yours, something that you’d tell your friend.
It’s very hard to see clearly when you’re in a situation.
I’m so confused. I just want to be loved and cared for.
TL;DR! Guy I’m seeing has ended things with me three times. Doesn’t know what he wants, but says he loves me. Looking for advice
3 comments
I can see maybe getting back together one time. But after the second (and third) time he ends things, that just needs to be it. You say he treats you amazing, but…he doesn’t. He’s jerking you around and introducing a ton of instability to your life. Yes, the compliments and flowers are nice, but part of being in a relationship is the stability that comes with it, and this one is severely lacking in that department. It’s only been a few months, he doesn’t really ask you how you are, and you seem to not actually like his personality that much other than how he does nice things for you. You need to just be done with him and find some other guy who is nice, who you get along better with, and who will not dump you over and over.
You need to step off his emotional rollercoaster.
He’s made it very clear that you’ll never know exactly what he feels, but you can know that he cannot act in a loving and secure way with you.
Take this energy he’s draining out of you, and put it towards getting yourself some mental health support. This man is not part of your future happiness. He’s the enemy of it.
You have swapped one toxic relationship for another. Just because Yo-Yo Jack’s way of operating is different to your ex-husband’s doesn’t mean it isn’t still harming you. **Mental and emotional abuse is still abuse!** Just because Jack isn’t hitting you doesn’t make what he’s doing ok or in any way excusable. Believe me, I know from experience after falling into that trap myself.
Take this latest breakup as a chance to rally your strength and resources. You are so used to living on an emotional rollercoaster that your sense of normal has become skewed and you have become addicted to the wild rush of the ‘highs’ and will do anything to keep chasing them so it’s time to treat it as the addiction it is and force yourself to go cold turkey. Block Jack everywhere. If he turns up on your doorstep don’t open the door. If he approaches you in public, keep walking. If he sends gifts then drop ’em straight in the bin. Don’t respond to anything he says or does. The old adage of “just once more is one time too many” applies here.
Next educate yourself. Read up on abusive relationships (Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and the Out of the FOG book/website are good starting points). Knowing and understanding what is happening to you and how these types work can really help you to begin the process of breaking their hold over you and helping you make better choices in the future. Think of it like finding out how a magic trick works – it’s a lot less thrilling when you can logic your way through each move.
Finally stay single for a while and work on yourself. It’ll be the best gift you ever give yourself and will help keep you safer in the future. Abusers don’t pick on the strongest people; they home in on those they see as vulnerable in some way, who have weaknesses they feel they can exploit. Take yourself out of that pool.