Reposted due to need of ThrowRA account
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I’m getting serious with my girlfriend now, and the possibility of having children one day came up. I’ve been feeling this way for many years now and don’t know how to say anything.
I’m an ethnically South Asian guy (India/Pakistan/Nepal/Bangladesh) born in raised in a western nation (Canada/USA). I don’t want to say the specific ones just out of paranoia for privacy. Anyway I’m completely western and have absolutely no interest in my parents’ country’s culture.
I’ve faced a decent bit of racism in my life from being called a terrorist while young, being told to “go home,” people mocking me with an accent (even though I have a neutral North American accent), etc… though 90% of all that overt racism happened before college/university.
I wouldn’t want my future children to go through the same thing, and while they’ll grow up in a more progressive area in a more progressive time, I would much rather they just face 0 racism period. My girlfriend is white, so I don’t think she understands this. I would much rather adopt white or something along those lines than have my own kids because of this.
I don’t think my girlfriend will react well to this, but she also just doesn’t understand what it’s like. I think I’m just going to put off this conversation until I can better articulate it. How do I approach it? I’m not dead set on this mindset, so I want to discuss it with her but am not sure how to bring it up.
8 comments
Wanting to adopt white kids specifically is problematic. I’d recommend going to therapy, possibly couples therapy, prior to making decisions about children. That is not a healthy nor appropriate reason to want to adopt.
Even if you go to therapy, the trauma from the racism you encountered is not something you can resolve in a few sessions. What you can do is use a white sperm donor for your children. That way your future wife will be pregnant and no one has to know you are not the father. Babies often look more like one parent than the other even with different ethnicities. And if very rude people ask why they don’t look like you, just tell say they look like their mother and you are happy about that. When your child is old enough, you can explain their biology but that is far away. You can have a happy, trauma free family and any woman who loves you should understand.
“I would much rather adopt white” ngl not the biggest fan of that statement…
Do you regret being born to this world?
Your girlfriend won’t react well, because your reason is stupid. Bullying is something children of any skin color can be victim of. This is not to mention your children will have their parents to support them properly and you can cooperate with authorities to deal with racism.
Do you want to validate racists that have tormented you? Will you allow them to deny you biological children?
Children can feel strong and proud in the face of bullying if they are taught from a young age to know who they and their family are, where they came from, and to see the value in it.
It might help with your trauma for you to talk more with your parents about their journey, about what you experienced, and just generally become more comfortable with your culture. It sounds like your reaction to racism has been to shut off that part of yourself.
Get yourself some therapy.
I mean…she has probably been discriminated against for being a woman in ways you could also never know….if she said she only wanted male kids to avoid that, wouldnt that seem silly?
If you’re not dead set in the mindset, I would urge you to open the conversation without saying “this is what I want to do,” which for such a large intimate decision for a couple to make, she will likely react poorly having not been involved. You could say, I want us to have a very real discussion about the possibility of children. Talk about your experiences and fears. Talk about potentially adopting in this conversation so she can hear it and digest it. I have a feeling that a more difficult thing for her to to accept will be her wanting biological children with you, her partner and her lover, who she sees as wonderful as you are. She might want children that are a combination of you and her. So take the conversation slow and give each other time and space to listen to it and make the choice together. who knows, maybe she is certainly into adoption, and this will go down easier than expected.
I can’t begin to understand what it’s like for someone as a minority to grow up with racism, and perhaps framing it in the way of, I want to protect my children from someone hurting them is the best way you can explain it to her. It would also be a difficult thing for me to expect, as a white female who has dated people from minorities, simply because when I love someone I would want a child that’s part of both of us. But I hope you guys can come to some understanding.