Me (25m) and my gf (24f) have lived together for over a year and a half. We split the chores evenly since there’s some I’m better at and there’s some my gf is better at.
Washing the dishes is the one that we both do. Initially we said whoever cooked, the other person washed the dishes but this didn’t work as we both tended to help with the cooking so we decided that one of us would do it one day then the other would do it the next etc as there isn’t much room near the sink so both of us wouldn’t be able to be there at the same time to wash and dry etc.
This works the majority of the time. There’s been a few times when my girlfriend has felt low since she suffers from depression so has asked me to help then she’ll do it the next day. I didn’t mind doing this as I was fine with helping. Then I hurt my back at the gym last year and it hurt to move. I asked if she would help because I was In pain but she said she wasn’t feeling great mentally and it was my day so I had to do it. I ended up doing it for 5 days in a row and she only did 2 or 3 after that. Over Christmas we did a big dinner so we decided we would split it down the middle which was fine. Last week we did a meal of a similar size, this fell on my day so I asked if she would help since it’s what we did over Christmas but she just said no it’s my day.
Tonight she said she felt sick and asked if I would help with the dishes and I refused. I pointed out it seems to be completely one sided when it comes to help but she called me an AH because she was ill and I refused to help. I pointed out it’s exactly what she did to me but she said that was different because she refused to help because she wasn’t feeling great. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?
Tl;dr my girlfriend got annoyed that I didn’t do the dishes for her when she was ill, despite her refusing to help me when I had an injury. Does anyone have any advice?
15 comments
NTA, I know it sounds rough and that I might not seem fair but I’d recommend talking to her and trying to be kind so that she doesn’t get upset – just try to have a rational conversation. Hopefully you guys can work it out, bc at this stage it seems to only be a small issue that you guys need to discuss if you want a one sided relationship
It’s not a competition. You do things for your partner when they’re sick/injured because you care about them and want to help make their day better. Not because you’re keeping score of who helped who and when.
Is this the hill you’re willing to die on? Understand that she was sick, do the dishes. If it seems like she’s truly consistently not keeping up her end of the bargain, discuss it when it’s not in the heat of the moment.
I like this question. For years my wife and I had your first approach that whoever didn’t cook did the dishes. Even if cooking was microwaving leftovers. Now we have a baby, and I do all dishes and she does all laundry.
I guess the dish argument hinges on the depression thing. Idk what to do there. Can you guys get more sleep, take more walks, get more exercise? Would that help? Is she taking steps to resolve the depression, or is it not really totally diagnosed?
How’s your dishwashing gear? Do you have a dishwasher too? I think you deserve an upgrade somewhere – a bigger drying rack, a dish basin, or gloves. And if it’s really depression, I think you may have to get into the habit of taking this on. Or maybe changing things so that you do dishes unless you did a majority of the cooking?
Fair Play is an interesting take on this stuff. That could be fun to read and try with the smaller card deck.
The fact that you are keeping careful score over something as minor as the dishes is not a good sign for the future.
Seems like you’re overdue to sit down for a discussion on the topic. It’s easy to get hung up on a minor symptom like who is washing how many dishes, but that’s not really the issue here, is it? The issue is that you feel you’re taking over chores for her when she’s incapable of handling them, and she’s not reciprocating when you have an injury.
That’s only going to cause continued frustration on both sides if you continue without talking it out. See if that doesn’t help.
It absolutely was not different. She knows it. She made up an excuse. You have helped her multiple times and she wouldn’t help you when you needed. Your back was hurt, and she said no because it was your turn. I’d re-evaluate if you want to stay with her. I get there are days when you are down, but she has been absolutely selfish. She’s 100% in the wrong and she knows it. She doesn’t like that you called her out in it
This is a tough one because you’re both some definition of “sick.” You from working out, her from mental health. In those circumstances, I’d personally just leave the dishes. They can wait a day or two.
If you really want the dishes done, it should be done by the least sick person or by the person who most wants the dishes done. And who is to say you were the most sick? It’s hard to know with invisible illnesses like back pain or mental illness. It’s not like she was completely healthy when she refused, and you refused just because you feel it’s unfair, so that’s not really an illness either.
I don’t know, man. This shit is just so petty.
Tell her you should have thought about it when you refused to help me, if you have any problems with your double standards you know where the door is, also if you ever try to manipulate me to do what you already refused to do, just consider it break up & move out.
After this walk away, no need for an argument or discussion on the subject.
While one of you washes up does the other do other chores like cleaning up the tabletops/ hob? I feel like if you are both doing chores at the same time it would feel less one sided.
I don’t agree with keeping score but it is frustrating that you help her when she’s ill but she refuses to when you are. I get that depression sucks but doing the dishes doesn’t take long and she could put on a show or video whilst doing it?
> I asked if she would help because I was In pain but she said she wasn’t feeling great mentally and it was my day so I had to do it.
Wow she sounds like a keeper
I’m getting the impression that this is deeper than just her not doing her fair share washing dishes. Is this really about you feeling that your pain was dismissed and that your girlfriend doesn’t love you as much as you love her? I think that is truly the issue here. I don’t have any advice for you. I struggle with this with my partner and it’s hard to have a discussion about these issues because it does feel petty at the surface.
I think counting and tracking things like who did the dishes when and refusing to do them on a day that isn’t yours is immature and will create rifts. I think anytime your partner asks for help, you should try helping unless you really cannot. the fact that she didn’t even try to help you when you asked is what bothers me. I think when both ppl try to be considerate, the tracking becomes unnecessary. But when it’s one sided, then I can why you’re keeping count. if you’re picking up slack when she’s not feeling good, the considerate thing for her to do is to cover your days when she IS feeling good. again, it’s not to keep tabs. But she should have that general thought of “he’s been helping me so much and has been doing majority of the dishes, I’m gonna do it today since I’m feeling good and give him a break”. It’s just appreciation.
This is very odd. Your girlfriend was sick and asked for your help?
If dishes is your biggest issue, I’d suggest you just do them. Maybe get a dishwasher or use more paper and plastic.
If dishes is a proxy for other problems, you should talk with a therapist together and get to the bottom of that.