So I (28M) have been dating my GF (23M) for 1.5 years now. We have had a couple of issues before that we have worked out, but she told her IRL friends about it which resulted in them having a problem with me even though she herself no longer did. She had access to a therapist which I suggested that she should talk to for those issues, instead of her IRL friends. I have never been a big fan of telling friends about relationship issues.
Recently I have found out that she had been talking to her IRL friends about my sexual past. I told her about my past because I don’t believe in having secrets in relationship and believe that sharing those intimate info is one of the way to build trust. (for the record I didn’t do anything illegal or wrong, I wouldn’t have told her about it if I did anyway)
I think it is my secrets and she should have my consent telling them to other people who know me (I have no problem with her telling them to her therapist). Now I’m wondering how I should approach her and whether I should keep maintaining no-secret with her.
tl;dr My (28M) GF (23F) of 1.5 years told her friends about my sexual past and I’m not comfortable with it. Now I’m wondering how I should approach her and whether I should keep maintaining no-secret with her.
9 comments
Sharing personal info is a great way to build trust. Too bad she violated your trust in her by sharing your personal info in an inappropriate way. Now you need to explain to her that you want your personal information kept private (and that yes, talking to a therapist still counts as private), and that you two now need to rebuild trust, because you feel she broke your trust when she shared that info. She won’t like it, but that’s the situation. And if she isn’t willing to accept it and work towards fixing it, then things aren’t likely to work out.
Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. If anything the whole concept of virginity is a social construct.
She’s a massive jerk for sharing your secrets. You deserve better than that, and deserve someone who will respect you.
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you can’t trust your partner to not share personal information with their friends, then you’re just wasting your time.
Sorry but, her opening her big freaking mouth and blabbing your intimate details is a huge violation of trust.
That would force me to spend some time contemplating if she’s worth any more of my effort. And to be honest, it wouldn’t take me more than a few minutes to make up my mind.
I do not tolerate that behavior.
When my wife and I were just starting our relationship, I specifically told her that my private business is just that. Private. And if she ever violated my trust by doing what your immature and reckless girlfriend did, we would no longer see each other.
Girl talk. Not all girls talk to guys about girl talk. Most guys don’t realize it, but their girlfriend is likely talking to their friends about their bedroom activities. Just something we have to accept.
Honestly. This would break my trust with her. These are things that you and your partner shouldn’t be divulging outside the relationship and it would definitely be a huge issue for me. I like privacy, and when I speak to someone about something and share something personal; I expect them to do as I would. Keep it between us.
Trust is a HUGE part of a relationship, and now there’s a cloud over you two and you wondering if anything you tell her will be broadcast to the public. Personally, I wouldn’t trust her again, and that would null the relationship.
I think you two are in completely different universes when it comes to what is and is not okay to share with friends.
This is maybe pedantic, but what type of sexual “secrets”?
Young people talk about different things with their friends as a way to see if it’s normal or not.
However, she does have an outlet and so it’s reasonable for you to not want her to talk in detail about your personal history. However, if she feels she needs that feedback/support from friends you may simply need to find a other partner. She’s a bit younger than you, so it’s not unusual (though not right) that she would want more support from friends.
Normal could be “hey friends, my bf has done anal sex/bdsm/has had many partners before, do you think he’ll get bored if we only do xyz?” Or “my bf used to get footjobs. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t think I want to give footjobs.”
Not normal: “lol my boyfriend did xyz before, what a loser/he’s so cool.” Or “can you believe my boyfriend used to get footjobs?!”
In my experience (as a lady a bit older than you), friends stop pretty much all sex discussion when in serious relationships, however it can be useful to validate feelings or normalized sex stuff or differences in desires (if her friends are mature). I found after ~24 most of my friends and myself had found our sexual footings enough that it wasn’t a topic of conversation.
If she’s just gossiping then she’s likely not a good partner for you. However, if it’s more the “normal” sex talk you’re going to have a hard time getting her to change her approach when she’s likely been having these conversations with them for her whole life.
I’d suggest a sit down conversation with the one big reason why your sexual history is private and setting it as a boundary. I.e. if she shares you may stop sharing with her due to lack of trust, or you clearly have different approaches and will need to breakup.