I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, and it’s been really great, the only thing that feels like a hurdle is his mom.
From the get-go I felt like she wasn’t a fan of me, she acted as if I was taking her son away from her and make some off comment jokes about it as well. She told us to “slow down”, basically meaning that she doesn’t want us going out as much, and we did. Everything was pretty okay from there. There were some moments that made us feel like she saw us as babies but I always pushed it aside. I feel like it’s important to mention he’s the youngest and only son she has, since that seems very important to her.
Recently we’ve been planning a five day cruise around the time of my birthday, and we asked him to come with us. Of course he said yes, he said he wants to spend more time with me and it was going to be fully paid by us, so he didn’t have to worry about paying. I paid his deposit and my mom would handle paying for rooms. He asked his mom the other night if he could come, but she chewed into him. I didn’t hear the entire conversation but he told me some of it, and it ranged from her saying she doesn’t trust my mom, she doesn’t wanna send her boy off alone on a boat, that I need to “relax”, that he doesn’t like water, and that she couldn’t watch him. He was very upset and she just won’t budge.
He asked her out of respect and it’s her choice but this makes me wonder how long she’s gonna hold this grip on him? It’s not the first time she’s been like this. In the past she’s gone off on him for coming to my house and not telling her(she started crying over it), going to the mall with me and not telling her, unanticipatedly saying that were too young to have a baby, even though were both openly child free and have endometriosis, so children are way out of the question. We never even brought kids up so it’s pretty confusing when she does this too.
I understand her being concerned but he even offered for her to come on the cruise and he would pay and she still said no because she couldn’t “monitor us”. Why do you want to monitor us like we’re kids? She compares us to being children a lot and I hate it. I had plans to move out with him once we’re in the middle of the year, but now I wonder if she’s even gonna let him without upsetting him or guilting him. She keeps saying he’s an adult but she won’t let him be or grow into one. We need advice on how to approach her about her behavior or how to talk to her and make her see him as an adult.
2 comments
He’s 19. It is absolutely not “her choice.” His mother no longer gets to decide whether or not he can come. She cannot legally stop him if he wants to go. She also sounds very abusive and controlling, and this pattern isn’t going to stop. She will continue to throw wrenches in your relationship until it’s dead—and tbh this isn’t much of a relationship at all if he can’t even be there on your birthday, or see you at all without her flipping out. You should ask him how important this relationship is to him, if he recognizes that her behavior is abusive, and whether he’s actually willing to move out. Ultimately, even if he does—she will continue to be a massive problem if he keeps her in his life. You’re still young, and you have time. It might be better for you to end things if he’s not open to breaking the cycle.
If your boyfriend refuses to stand up to her, it’s always going to be like this. Have a chat with him. If it’s clear he will continue to do whatever his mom wants and respect that relationship over yours, I would just cut my losses. The crazy MIL stories are way too much- I would never choose to live like that.