Hi, so im just asking for advice on how i can become better for my boyfriend. Please do not attack me in the comments, i’m well aware i need to change which is why i am reaching out
I (20f) hate myself for the way I am with my boyfriend (21M). We have been together for 4 years and I never used to be the jealous, controlling type. I’ll skip past the details but he has broken some boundaries (multiple times) which were set at the beginning of the relationship which I believe to be the reason I am jealous. My jealousy is to a point where I will sometimes avoid tv shows or movies with women dressed in revealing clothing or nudity because I feel sick with my boyfriend looking at them and lusting over them.
I know this stems from the broken boundaries and of course I have chosen to forgive so I know there’s no excuse to be this way. However its hard to forget and I think about it a lot and it makes me so insecure and jealous. I have up and down days, some better than others and some so bad I just sob for ages.
Now this is the part of my personality i do not understand; I can be controlling in some aspects. Again, i have up and down days. Im not extremely controlling like stopping him going out or something but i get a little annoyed when he’s gaming. I dont stop him, but I dont hide my feelings and i make it known that im not happy he’s gaming. Which makes no sense to me. I have sat and forced myself to think of the problem and i just cant. There isnt one. So then i tell myself to grow up and get over it theres obviously not a problem. But i cant. Its like i have 2 opposing brains that constantly fight.
I love him endlessly and I have spoken to him about this, I have told him I hate the way i treat him sometimes and that i dont mean to be so hard on him, that i love him and im trying my hardest to change. Each time I tell him Im sorry and I want to change, he assures me i dont need to and that im overthinking and the way i “treat him” isnt bad at all, he understands i have moods and that im not toxic. Im unsure if this is the case or, again, if he is too soft to tell me.
I have a naturally moody personality too so i get grouchy over tiny inconveniences and i can imagine he feels like he is stepping on eggshells and trying not to set my moods off. My mother is like this with my dad, so that might be a trait i have from her. Im not trying to make excuses of course, im trying to find the root of my problems.
I want to get better for him. I hate myself so much because besides the times he has broken boundaries,he has a heart of pure gold. He spoils me to death, he compliments me constantly and he reassures me when i need it.
Any advice would be appreciated!
TL;DR my boyfriend is my best friend and i wish i could stop being so jealous and controlling.
3 comments
I would guess that his initial “boundary breaking” behaviors were an extension of your problems and not the source. Early in the relationship he had not yet fully submitted to your control. He’s walking on eggshells in an attempt to avoid setting you off. That’s not healthy and it isn’t fair.
From my experience, when a partner fully submits to the various demands of their controlling partner their partner just finds new things on which to focus their insecurities. “You are enjoying playing video games. That means there are things outside of our relationship that brings you joy. I’m not comfortable with that, or any other threat to my primacy in your life.
Broken boundaries is the issue probably and accepting or letting go might be helpful so you can move on. One way to do this is note all the broken boundaries then say goodbye to those like it is a memorial service. You can throw them away or light them on fire but once done it is over.
What were the boundaries he broke? And also, if you are grouchy over tiny inconveniences, it would help to put this in perspective for yourself: You are describing entitlement, ie, that life should be smooth for you and if it isn’t, it’s a big deal and probably your partner’s fault (extrapolating that from what you said about your mom being like this with your dad). “REalizing that being grouchy could be a form of entitlement would go a long way toward curbing your behavior — self-talk: “The world doesn’t revolve around me. it’s OK if things go wrong. This isn’t my bf’s fault,” when you realize you’re about to be grouchy. Then taking the step to curb your expression of grouchiness, or apologize sincerely the minute you take something out on him.