It sounds obvious but it’s always been so hard to accept. I spent much of my life dealing with bullying, getting harassed, feeling rejected. And then as I got older, I’d often find myself disgusted by people’s selfish, asshole-ish behavior. In a perfect world, people would be kind and help each other out.
I had a conversation with my mom today about this. She said something that really stood out to me. She told me rather simply, that people aren’t nice. People do not default to being nice. They default to being mean, selfish, and hostile. People don’t put others ahead of them, people are always going to put their own needs before anyone else’s. And, if people can find a way to make themselves feel better, even if it means putting you down, they’ll do it without questioning it. Her overall point was, the sooner you accept this, the more at peace you will be. Even in seemingly close relationships, at a certain point people are ultimately thinking about themselves and what they stand to gain from them….so not even close relationships solve these feelings of inadequacy or fix our sense of belonging. All we really have is ourselves.
It sounds obvious but I guess I had a problem with always expecting people to do the right thing and being disappointed when they didn’t. I know people aren’t all inherently good OR bad, but I feel like social interaction and just life in general just works better when you stop expecting anyone to be cordial or do the right thing. Feeling alone, rejected, or socially outcasted doesn’t really make you special because it’s kind of the human condition in a way I guess…I think everybody feels it at a certain point because ultimately we live in a selfish world.
3 comments
I wouldn’t say it was default behaviour – yes, there are some just inherently assholish people. But I’m a strong believer that most people have positive intentions.
If you approach everybody assuming their going to be a mean selfish asshole – you’ll find ways to make them seem like they are – it’s like you’re victimising yourself on their behave. This could just be a normal, decent person and you’re going in thinking their gonna screw you without any rational reason to think it.
I certainly do default to being nice – there is never a situation where anybody I meet, I think – I’m gonna be mean and harass this person.
If this is your mindset – then we found the problem – YOU. If it’s not, then why would it be anybody else’s – it is actually WAY easily to just be decent to people. In fact, historically, the assholes in communities wouldn’t survive too long as they’d be ousted and die without the community – so humans inherently (mostly) default to wanting to be liked and not cause friction – some humans are defective though and unfortunately modern society is built to look after the weakest and most useless degenerates too – but they’re easy to spot.
Having a positive mindset and being a positive person will do wonders for you. Don’t be negative, be helpful, don’t be selfish and the decent folk will recognise you as their own – be nasty – get nasty back.
I think the issue is that your mother isn’t exactly right, and she unfairly oversimplifies the complexity of people. MOST people are a walking collection of complex life experiences, unmet needs, ongoing internal struggles and pain, complex and frustrating personal relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, and battles to keep hope alive despite all of this. Reducing all of that to “SELFISH” is not fair. Who is any one of us to judge what’s in another person’s heart, in such a cold and unforgiving way?
What she said also ignores all the people who *do* put others ahead of themselves. Do you believe everyone who takes self sacrificial jobs like policing or health care does so purely for the money? Do you believe no one goes out of their house each day, or into a degree or career path, because they want to make the world a better place? How about people who, every single day, across the globe, do something out of genuine care for another human being– either because that other person is in pain, or because someone wants to make that person happy?
I’m sorry your mother couldn’t explain that to you in a more nuanced way. I hope you (and me) find the right people, someday.
I had witnessed something the other day that made me feel similar to how your mom feels. I think she’s right.
I was at a store and an older couple was in the isle with me. The wife’s phone rang and she answered it on speaker phone. On the other end was what sounded like some sort of healthcare worker. The woman stated she was parked outside of the couples home for their appointment today and was wondering why there weren’t answering the door. They said they had forgotten about the appointment and could be home in 20 minutes. The woman asked if they would cancel today because she would be back for another appointment with them two days later. The couple said no, they wanted her to wait for them to return home quickly. The woman obliged. This is the part that shocked me. The couple leasurly shopped around some more. It was a smaller store and I kept bumping into them. And then when they were ready to get to the checkout, they asked the two people in line if they could cut to the front because they were in a hurry and explained some sort of sob story to them. I couldn’t beileve it! They felt their time was so important that they made someone wait at their house for them and also felt it gave them the right to cut to the front of the line.
This was a good reminder for me that not everyone has a heart or mind that thinks about others. People are selfish and you have to stand up for yourself.