what’s the most helpful thing someone said to you while you were grieving the passing of someone you really loved?

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  1. Grief is an ocean storm. You’re in the middle of it. The waves will be large and come quickly. But the storm will pass. And the waves will get smaller, and take longer to get to you. The waves will always be there, but they will be manageable eventually.

  2. When people offered to do specific tasks, like watch my kid or help me go through my parents stuff. That really helped. The let me know if I can help comments that were not specific did not help. However do not avoid someone cause they are grieving. You need to let them know you are there. My so-called best friend (at the time) totally ignored the fact that my parents died, didn’t reach out or call to chat, nothing. That is not the way to help.

  3. It was from the Lord of the Rings, first film. Frodo laments that so much misfortune and tragedy is occurring because of the ring & his quest. In that moment, I was Frodo, as I had lost my cousin in 9/11.
    Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
    Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
    It truly touched my heart.

  4. 1. That a grieving person does exactly the kind of grieving they need to — ie can cope with — at any given moment. There’s no right or wrong or any sort of correct timeline/whatever.

    2. That part of losing someone is losing who YOU were in their eyes. This means that a part of you dies as well, essentially. It is hard.

  5. “Grief is love with nowhere to go.”

    It sounds simplistic, I know, but I found it very comforting nonetheless.

  6. I lost my brother in a car accident nearly six years ago.

    This pain doesn’t go away. It doesn’t really lessen. What happens is the time between those “worst moments” gets further and further apart. Eventually thinking about them or things you did with them won’t give you those weird stomach punch butterflies. You’ll always miss them and you will always grieve for them, but in a way you begin you respect that grief instead of let it overwhelm you.

  7. People have a tendency to think of grief in terms of lack. A good way of approaching moving on is also to think about the things they’ve added to one’s life, their contribution, the lessons from them, what they gave. Focusing on the positives on them as opposed to the hole they’ve left behind.

    Also, no one recovers from grief, not really. Time doesn’t heal it, what happens is that people learn to live with the grief and rebuild their lives around it.

  8. I’m still grieving my father’s death from 5 years ago, and my mother’s death from a year and a half ago. The latter is more complicated due to my mom having been psychologically and physically abusive. Someone told me that I’m allowed to feel however I want to feel, and that may even mean feeling multiple things at once.

  9. Don’t pull away from the sadness or your memories. Appreciate it. That they made such an impact on you, speaks to the quality of their character. Carry on the rituals you had with them, and feel whatever you need to. There’s no one way you should grieve

  10. Acknowledging how much they meant to me and expressing sincere sympathy for my pain and loss.

    Also that one line from Wandavision about grief being love everlasting was more helpful than I care to admit.

  11. Someone with similar spirtual beliefs said they haven’t left, they are waiting for me at home.

  12. After someone I regarded as a surrogate daughter overdosed my wife told me that it was okay to be disappointed but also still proud of her. It is normal to be angry at the deceased for passing away, especially in difficult circumstances. But it’s also okay to still love them and feel proud of what they were able to accomplish despite all odds.

  13. “I know how much they meant to you, and how much you meant to them” Sharing a positive memory or funny story about them. It helped when others shared how the people that passed talked about me, it showed they loved me as much as I loved them.

  14. “One day, you’ll be able to think about him and smile.” Didn’t think that was possible at the time, but it’s so true!

  16. 1. They don’t need to behave like they cared about the person, who passed. They need to care about me, that’s enough

    2. Understanding that I’m being exposed to a lot of heavy grief from other people too, so please don’t force me to handle your emotions too: I can barely carry mine

    3. Offering help with small tasks, taking initiative

    4. Approaching my loss with curiosity, asking about the person I lost. A friend recently asked: did you ever talk to your loved one in a different language? It made me think and pulled me closer to the surface, this light, genuine and interesting question

  17. When consumed by grief and feeling so much pain and I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through it my friend said “just let the sun rise and set a few times” which I get is just a modified “time heals all wounds” but it made it feel like achievable and made time seem more manageable rather than this huge infinite Time. I guess it’s like every time the sun sets or rises I can tell myself “okay that’s one more sun set I got through”

  18. If you’re sad or happy or anything in between at the funeral. It’s okay to feel that way. Don’t try to hide or suppress what you feel.

    You had good days before, during and after loosing someone. You had bad ones too. Those are okay and natural. This too, shall pass.

  19. “Right now your grief is like a huge black hole and there’s very little outside of that grief. With time, friends and self-care this hole will become smaller. It will always be there, but it will be only a part of a picture”

    “Don’t eat if you don’t want to. But stay hydrated” (in very early stages)

  21. That he really loved us, but was just ready for his next step in life.

    My dad is a buddhist and although i dont believe in religion, i hope that whereever he is,hes doing well

  22. Take it an hour at a time and then a day at a time. Eventually a week at a time and then years at a time. It gets easier with time and if you just give yourself enough grace to tackle each time incriminate it will get easier. It’s okay to go backwards and forward at any speed as long as you’re the one setting the pace.

  24. I really love this quote from WandaVision about grief: „What is grief, if not love, persevering?”

    I think about it a lot, since I grieved a lot in my life. But what helps me the most is remembering that we do it because we loved this people so much. And, how they put it in my another favourite show, Bly Manor: “To truly love another person is to accept the work of loving them is worth the pain of losing them.”

  26. “I think it’s time to see a therapist”

    Seeing a professional who knew about my loss was truly the only thing that got me through it. Family and friends are wonderful but sometimes you really need a third party

  27. I lost my grams. I was telling my uncle now I can’t talk to her anymore. He told me I can still talk to her, she’ll still listen to you she just can’t talk back to you.

    Exactly what I needed.

  28. When my grandfather passed away, we lived together just the 2 of us during COVID and spent all our time together. I was really depressed and he needed a full time caretaker because he was 94 and couldn’t drive, and due to the pandemic we didn’t want to send him to an assisted living facility. I was 22 and it was the first time I had to really take care of another person in that way. I remember talking to a friend after his passing and she said something along the lines of:

    The people you love never really die, they keep living in the memories you shared and the lessons that they taught you. Every time you feel yourself missing him, take the time to honour him in little ways that bring you closer to him.

    He was a difficult man who was incredibly stubborn and bossy but I loved him very much. He had little ways of taking care of everyone around him that I didn’t get to appreciate until it was just the two of us. His last Christmas he had me tape a card to the mailbox for his letter carrier and run a box of chocolates across the street to the young girl who was in a wheelchair her whole life. I still drop off chocolates to the girl across the street and I make sure I always ask my cashiers how their day is. I’ve never seen anyone express the same kindness in the same way as him and I do my best to keep spreading it. Even though I moved in to take care of him I think he ended up taking care of me just as much if not more and just knowing that helps bring me peace. I know this wasn’t really the question but I thought I’d share it anyways.

  29. “Be as upset as you need to be.” From my twin brother.

    Growing up in a family where negative feelings were a Problem, I felt bad falling the fuck apart after our mom just died. (But. *Our mom just died.* That’s upsetting.)

    So, when Twin Bro kinda gave me permission to let it all out, I felt such relief. We didn’t have to worry about “keeping things light” or not being “too depressing” anymore.

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