38F, married to a 42M for about 3 years. We have an 11 month old daughter and are negotiating whether or not to have a second child (I’d like to have two kids, but he’s stalling, he can’t wait for our daughter to get older so we can have some getaways, I guess. He’s been complaining that I haven’t been willing to leave with family to join him on some of the weekend getaways we used to do before we had kids, so I think that’s part of the issue). I thought my life was basically picture perfect, nice house, perfect family, adorable first Christmas together where I made everything perfect from the cookies to the presents, etc. Until a little bit ago when I started getting a funny feeling about things with my husband’s younger coworker.
We both work well paying, high-pressure cooker jobs. He’s high up at a huge company, but his immediate department are all friendly and get along despite the stress. So far so good, right? But he comes back from a business trip oddly excited about the amount of time he spent with a significantly younger coworker who honestly is so young I don’t even know what she’s doing working in his department. (And yes, she’s drop-dead gorgeous – he came back talking about how a ton of guys there were hitting on her in some form or another, and from the pics I saw of her I have no trouble believing it). I let him talk, probed a bit. They were out together until the hotel bars closed down during that trip, always with a group of other people of course. I honestly believe nothing physical happened between them then, but how excited he got telling stories of their late bar nights and interactions put me on edge.
Since then he’s been a bit odd and preoccupied about their interactions. One time they went out to get lunch together and he came back telling me about the things she said to him, but they were so non-memorable that I didn’t honestly get the point of why he was telling me about it. Another time he was worried she was mad at him because she was being distant. He came home shaking his head and laughing about something she said that made him feel old.
Most concerningly, he joked about how he “accidentally” showed her a little bit of skin and enjoyed seeing her blush and fluster. I asked why he did that and he gave me a vague non-answer but implied that he definitely thought she was into that moment.
Is this the beginning of something concerning? I am confident they haven’t been physical, and I have been through his phone and there are no texts, sexts, no secret-channel communications (not my first rodeo of this kind unfortunately, I know how these things work and the secret apps). Part of me wonders if I’m too worried. Nothing has happened. The other part of me doesn’t want to be caught blindsighted in a year or five by being yet another cheated wife being left for (or even just cheated on) a younger model, and coworker to finish off the cliché. Are these valid early-warning red flags that he’s thinking way too much about his younger coworker and on thin ice for having an affair?
7 comments
>Most concerningly, he joked about how he “accidentally” showed her a little bit of skin and enjoyed seeing her blush and fluster. I asked why he did that and he gave me a vague non-answer but implied that he definitely thought she was into that moment.
I was going to tell you to trust your gut but I don’t think you need your gut when your husband is telling on himself like this.
It comes down to trust and if you trust him not to. As you said, there is no contact outside of work to date. I think his ramblings about her are a way to keep you included currently.
As for infants and going out and doing things. Not a bad idea to have a date night every now and again with or without the baby if that is his main complaint. As a mother, when mine was an infant, we would get away just for a nice dinner sometimes. We even did a weekend trip here and there. I think guys feel as though the infant takes their place where they get put on the back burner. But that is what having children does I found, makes you more homebound until they are older.
Ask your husband point blank if he finds her attractive and will there be a day he can see them be in a relstionship?. Its to jolt him up. Remind him that he is a husband and a father first and foremost and should act that way. Then caution him about being close on a personal level with an employee, it may attract the attention from HR.
Then, you had better improve your relationship with your husband, do more short vacations and dinners and stay together. Yes there are so much to do with a kid and you want to spend time withbher, but its importsnt to focus more on your husband now so he dont derail.
Its important to trust your husband but dont be stupid. Protect your marriage.
It’s sounds like He has a crush on her
It sounds like your husband has a crush on this coworker. He’s a little too eager about their interactions and about her in general.
I’m sure it is also an ego boost for him to have a young lady who wants to spend time with him, whether it’s platonic or romantic on her end.
My suggestion, since he talks about her so much and they seem to spend time together outside of work (lunch), maybe suggest meeting up for drinks with her and her significant other (doesn’t matter if she actually has one or not, you can just phrase it that way). This way you can check out the situation for yourself – see how they interact with each other, their comfort levels, etc.
Have you actually sat him down and talked to him about it? If so, what did he say?
Did you check deleted messages?
Honestly it doesn’t sound like physical cheating, it sounds like he’s getting caught up in having fun, and not realising that it’s emotional cheating, or close to it.
He’s reminding me of a Labrador that fetched a live skunk, without realising he was meant to fetch the stick.
Cheaters hide things, they project feelings of guilt, they don’t share things with their spouse. I’m rather suspicious that he’s not aware that what he’s doing is inappropriate and could get him in a lot, and I mean a lot of trouble if she goes to HR.
I think you need to sit him down and talk to him about it. Point out all the things he has said about this girl Give him examples of things he has said. When he says you are overreacting say to him what if the situation were reversed and it was you acting this way about a young hot guy working under you.