Firstly, my boyfriend is very lovely and romantic but sometimes he gets so hysterical when we fight and i dont understand why. He always ends up screaming or crying, and i end up crying too because of his screaming.
He also tells me after fights, when i ignore him for a while because i need to get over the argument, that he thought about killing himself or harming himself so i always feel bad. The reasons for our fights arent even that big of a deal but he’s so sensitive, even though im the one who ends up crying.
When he punched the wall the argument escalated because he always screams and makes everything worse than it actually is.
How should i react? He made me cry when he punched the wall and didnt even ask me if im ok. He slamed the doors and left the house for an hour and then texted me to ask if its over.
Tl;dr: my boyfriend (35m) punched a wall during an argument. (He also did this two times in his previous relationship).
Im posting this again because it was removed earlier.
25 comments
You got almost 60 comments when you posted this before. At this point you aren’t asking for advice, you just want attention.
RUN!
Sweetie. Mom here. You don’t react. You leave. You are being verbally abused and he’s violent. Chances are it will be you and not the wall someday. I am so serious. He’s got anger issues and you can’t fix him. Threatening to kill himself is a control issue. He’s not too sensitive. You are making excuses for violent behavior and verbal abuse. Leave. Don’t look back. Please.
He never learned to deal with anger and frustration in a healthy way and a violent outburst *can* be intimidation – a “You’re next!” kind-of thing.
If he was in a situation where he was very stressed (not because of you) I would be more forgiving because its the stress thats getting to him. But he’s not. This is coming from overreacting during arguments with you.
I’d be concerned about this escalating. It could be you next.
How should you react? For starters, if you can tell that a debate is turning into a heated argument you need to withdraw. Say ” I want to sort this out but I’m not prepared to have an out of control argument so I’m going out to calm down now and we can continue the discussion later when I’m calm again”. And leave. Get out of there.
Secondly, you might want to reconsider this relationship. This isnt healthy long term.
You are in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. You run, and if he threatens to harm himself, you call emergency services, they are better equipped to handle this than you are.
Call a DV hotline and plan your exit.
He shouldn’t be throwing toddler tantrums at 35.
50 year old here.
You don’t want to hear it, but you’re in an abusive relationship.
How should you react to a 35 year old man who acts like a lunatic and hits things? You should pack up and leave permanently. You are enabling his behavior by tolerating it. Make no mistake, eventually you will be a target. He needs counseling for his behavior. You need counseling to understand why you think any of this is OK.
I’d like to echo one of the first comments made on this post: Do not react, leave.
You mentioned in another comment that it’s hard to accept your perfect boyfriend is abusive. Well, I almost married my “perfect boyfriend…”
We were months away from our wedding. The venue was picked, my wedding dress was in the closet, then one day everything changed.
He said something so offensive, so malicious, so disgusting to me and played it off like it was just conversation. So I grabbed my keys and left without saying a word, like I always did.
Until this point I’d mostly left like this when he’d physically get in my face trying to get me to engage in a fight he created (something that had just started happening).
I texted a friend, who answered the door with an open beer and my favorite cigarettes. I cried and unloaded for at least 20 minutes before he said a single word. I’ll never forget what he said:
“Mary, I need you to listen carefully, and realize this truth: this is the Xth time you’ve come here and *cried* over something your *future husband* said or did in the last 4 weeks.”
I don’t remember how many times he said, but it was too many. Thankfully, I trusted this person with my life and knew he was serious. As the reality of the frequency of this occurrence hit me – realizing how often I had run away to cry somewhere safe – fear kicked in. I realized I couldn’t go back home, it wasn’t safe, and this had to end.
I texted my fiance saying to meet me at a nearby bar at a certain time. I intentionally arrived 5-10 mins late in hopes he would order a drink and feel obligated to stay to pay his tab. This worked, and thankfully he was sitting outside by the entrance.
I hopped the gate, refused service and sat down. I don’t remember if he ever said a word, but I remember not acknowledging his presence, just saying “this is what’s happening. We are not getting married. You’re going to give me a 5 min head start to grab essentials from the apartment and I’m staying at my mother’s.”
I know he didn’t speak after that. I immediately got up as I finished my sentence and did what I said. On my way back to my car from the apartment he tried to stop me, reaching his arm out lovingly and just saying my name, but I kept walking.
It’s been maybe a decade but I’m still unpacking my trauma from this relationship. I was insanely lucky to have a friend who showed me the truth and was there for me when I needed it. The next step was physical abuse, I know it. I owe that friend my life. If you don’t have that friend, let these comments be your friend. Hear us.
I’ve since found a partner who loves me in ways I never thought imaginable. This too shall pass, you just have to leave first.
When you say that you fight, does he ever grab you or scream in your face?
Red flags are everywhere in this, but be honest, he is obviously dangerously unstable.
Run. Next time he may hit you. It’s inevitable. Get out before you are assaulted.
>my boyfriend is very lovely and romantic
Nope. Not a chance in hell he is of these things.
He’s a guy with huge anger issues who tries to manipulate you with threats of self harm.
Stop trying to defend him and get yourself safe before he “accidentally” punches you.
Leave, he’s a psycho.
People like this can be very exciting in many ways. They love and feel joy intensely but the dark side is unpredictable and intense as well. I think the violence could likely escalate. All it takes is one night if he’s a little too drunk or stewing about something else and he hurts you.
First the wall. Then you. Tell him that it is over.
He is unstable and emotionally manipulative. He’s going to continue to be those things, and he will never be worth it.
He needs therapy. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who can communicate through disagreements. This is not normal. This is not okay. Talking about harming himself is emotionally manipulative and abusive. You are not responsible for his actions if he chooses to do that. He needs help that you are not qualified to provide
I’m kinda curious how the fights normally go what are they typically about and what tends to be the driving factor behind his anger?
Your BF is seeing what he can get away with in your relationship. Make no mistake, punching the wall is a threat. First it’s just a wall, then it’s a wall near you, then your hair gets caught as the punch flies past your head…then one day…. it’s your face. If he hasn’t said it yet, you will eventually hear some version of “look what you made me do.” The suicide threats are a version of “don’t make me do this” – but it’s nothing that you are causing. It’s all him, and it is all about forcing compliance from you.
Don’t put up with this. Look to your safety and get out of this relationship. He needs professional intervention and a lot of introspection before he is capable of a healthy relationship.
Dump.
LISTEN. TO. THE. FUCKING. ADVICE. HERE.
Leave. An ex broke a body part in a similar situation, though it wasn’t me he was mad at. He never harmed me. He did threaten to kill himself. I called his parents to deal with him and got tf out. Best decision for both of us.
This is abuse
> Firstly, my boyfriend is very lovely and romantic
OP, you’re too old to write this BS
Yes very lovely..
10 year gap + expressing anger through violence = it will become more and more abusive as it gets harder and harder for you to leave him