Hey all,
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So, to preface this, I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 4 years, will be 4 in 8 days. About two weeks ago she went to go study abroad, and I was cool with it. In fact I urged her to go. It was a once and a lifetime experience. And first the first 2 weeks everything was great. Granted it was really hard being all alone, until a couple of days ago.
So, my girlfriend has contact with a very famous person from a band because of a series of events. Let’s call him Dude.
When she first hung out with this individual over the summer, it didn’t go great. At all. It ended with Dude getting her drunk and high on weed and trying to have sex with her. It took us a little bit to overcome this, but we did it.
She still kept in contact with Dude because my girlfriend is an artist and having connections is important. While I was uncomfortable with this because of said event, I understood. She would always tell me if he texted her. Fast forward to Christmas, Dude texts her Merry Christmas, and they talk and she mentions that she is going to this country. Dude is like “Oh cool Ill be there too on these dates, if you aren’t busy, my band is playing”
Fast Forward to Two days ago. My gf asks me if I’m comfortable with her going to this concert. I say “Not really, because I believe something will happen and whatever. However, I know this is your favorite band, go, BUT please text me continuously.”
So she goes, and is constantly texting me. Then she just stops.
I start to worry.
I then get messages saying that shes going to a different club. Then nothing for 3 hours, then I get a text saying that she’s staying at this place with these group of people. During this time I asked her if she was drinking or was offered drugs (cause shes with celebrities) and she went “I was drinking, but I didn’t do drugs.”
I told her to go back to her hotel and Ill stay up until she gets there. She gets to her hotel and I fall asleep.
Fast forward to yesterday. She insists she has to call me and tell me important stuff.
So we call. And I got hit with a bombshell. So apparently what happened that night.
She met Dude and a group of people at another hotel. They traveled to one club. Did the concert. Started to go into another club. In the car, Idfk what was on her mind, she did Ecstasy with the drummer. The drummer kept trying to kiss her. But she kept saying she had a boyfriend. Drummer was all over her. In the club she did Ecstasy and weed.
And then some random dude asked her to do a line of Coke, so she did. She started dancing and people kept trying to dance with her and she kept saying she had a bf and people were being aggressive. The drummer is still all over her and trying to kiss her and she keeps saying no. She goes back to the groups hotel and she left.
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My gf is never like this, and I really don’t know how to feel… She regrets everything and such and feels really stupid. And I feel for her and I’m so glad she got home safe..
But so many boundaries and trust I had for her over there were broken and to be honest, I have 0 idea how to feel right now. I told her I needed time.
And here I am, asking for advice on reddit.
Edit: Her best friend is also really mad at her about this whole thing, but I don’t know if it’s wrong for me to be mad, or sad, or just what.
Edit 2: Some clarification and formatting
5 comments
I personally would break up. The trust is gone. Can you honestly believe 100% all she said, or do you feel that, in a week or two something else may come up? Cheaters love trickle truth.
Besides, she had many opportunities to bail. She could have not gone to the concert of some dude with a history of trying to drug her and have his way with her. And while the victim is not to blame for whatever the agressor does, this was a catastrophe waiting to happen – and she still decided to take a chance. And she decided to do drugs. And she decided to go silent during the night. And she decided to follow the band for who knows how many hours. At no point the thought of your relationship was enough to dissuade her.
Feel what you must feel. Grieve the ending of the relationship. You thought she was someone who would care about it as much as you, but she cared more about the band. Move on and find someone looking for the same things in life as you.
Ummmm. So let me get this straight. She SAYS the last time she hung out with that guy he got really fucked up and tried to have sex with her while she was intoxicated? So she goes back to hang out with him again???? Your gf is either lying or really stupid.
As a woman, if a man makes me feel like he will take advantage of me, I will never be around that guy again nor would I ever do drugs or drink around him. And I think majority of woman would say the same. So your gf’s story just doesn’t add up.
I would break up, she willfully and knowingly lied to you and did drugs and was letting guys kiss her and whatever else. If her friend wasn’t with her and wasn’t at any of these places, you have absolutely no way of finding out if she cheated and she would tell her friend the same thing to cover her ass. Sorry but I would break up because she lied and cheated especially with the drummer, what she did was cheating and she KNEW that she was doing it.
You told her it would happen. Please do not pretend it was surprise to her. I think it’s best to leave her. In my opinion staying in contact with Dude and doing drugs are unacceptable. She may needs her contacts and enjoy her drugs, but it shouldn’t be your problem. Just break up.
Playing devil’s advocate here to some of the other comments….
It’s a pretty unusual situation. Not a lot of people get an opportunity to party with celebrities and if you/she genuinely believe its a good contact for her future, then it’s understandable that she went/maintains contact. Personally I’d argue its just them using her for whatever purpose, but to her, it probably doesn’t or didn’t feel that way before she went. Or perhaps it did but she felt she could handle it.
I think in the circumstances you described, alot of people would fall to some form of peer pressure and try drugs.
So, is your issue that she went? It doesn’t seem to be, you acknowledge the contact is important for her future.
Is your issue that she might have cheated? Again, your comments suggest not.
Imo if your issue then is that she lied about taking drugs etc. I personally wouldn’t chuck away someone I love for that as a first offence. People do young and stupid things all the time without the added mix of celebrities etc.
If you genuinely believe that she has spent the night turning down a bunch of celebrities to honour her love and commitment to you, then in some respects you have a girl who has done better than I suspect many would in that situation but has tripped up by lying about the drugs. She isn’t responsible for people hitting on her. That for me edge’s in that direction of people being responsible for the sexual aggression of others. It is a tricky one though in terms of her potentially going to a situation that she knew would involve this if you weren’t comfortable with her going at all. Without the celebrity, future connection element, I would be on the same side as everyone else, she’s gone for the attention, knowing what would happen, but you hopefully know her heart and if this would be a partner repeated in another normal circumstance.
I honestly do think though, that someone’s earlier comment about trickle truth here is something you need to be very careful of. Sadly I do think this could be a piece by piece story and some of the drugs you mentioned don’t go hand in hand with wise sexual decisions.
Best of luck to you.