My partner (37m) just started his career after years of training/schooling and in celebration of as well as acknowledgement of general neglect and lack of gifts/monetary contributions to rent while he was in training, gifted me (34m) a trip for both of us to visit Puerto Rico. The trip was set for the long MLK weekend.
From the beginning the trip was a disaster. Our flight there Thurs was delayed 3 hours. Partner had not planned anything for us to do besides wanting to go to El Junque so we spent a lot of time in the hotel room watching TV. I planned stuff for us to do but Partner complained the whole time about the heat. He has adhd and forgot his medication, which made him difficult to deal with. Our dinners Friday and Sat nights ended up being disappointing, with poor service and mediocre food overshadowing the nice environment. Partner also drank heavily through the weekend and took very long daytime naps where I had to wake him up so we could check out the nighttime things I was interested in doing. To his credit he did do those things with me though we left early because he was tired.
On our way to El Junque on Sun we had a blowout fight at a Burger King drive thru (I know, kill me) where he was embarrassed that I had asked him to ask for chicken fries but they weren’t available. He looked so angry, face was beet red, and he moved his right arm as if to strike me but retracted it immediately so it looked like a chopping motion. I’m no stranger to physical abuse due to my childhood so I knew that look on his face and knew he wanted to hit me in that moment. It honestly completely ruined the trip for me. I got emotional and asked to be dropped back at the hotel. Instead of dropping me off and giving me space he also came back into the room and started watching TV. I went to work out and when I came back blew up at him asking how he could do that to me. He denied my version of events saying I was just drunk and high, asked how I could ever think he would hit me, then just ignored me and kept watching TV. We ignored each other until today Mon when I switched my flight to leave PR early. He’s still there.
In our 11 years together (married 1.5) there’s never been any physical abuse, just considerable emotional neglect and possibly an alcohol problem on his end. We are both very stubborn. We also have a deadish bedroom situation which is a consequence imo of the lack of intimacy in our relationship. This trip to PR would be the first since our honeymoon where we are traveling together just the two of us. I was very excited and looking forward to the time together. We are both at the start of our careers so this time away from work is hard to come by. We had a whole day left but I couldn’t stand staying in PR pretending like I wasn’t hurt. But if I had stayed there would have still been a chance for reconciliation no matter how small. Now this trip will be a blot in our relationship and I don’t know how it will affect our marriage. Any advice on how to move forward?
TL:DR; Partner gifted us a trip to Puerto Rico. I left a day early because the trip was terrible. How to address once we’re both home?
4 comments
OP, a long weekend away isn’t going to fix a relationship that has serious issues that have been ignored for as long yours have. This is one of those times in your relationship where you say, “OK, what we’ve been doing is not working. We either need to ask for help or admit failure and part ways.” So, marriage counseling is the only suggestion I can offer here. I know in time things will settle back into a normal state, but nothing will actually get solved. So don’t allow yourselves to continue as if nothing happened.
I know you’re both “stubborn”, but ask yourselves if your individual pride is more important than your marriage.
Both of you need individual therapy. You CANNOT do couples counseling because he is abusive (emotionally: gas lighting/denying, stone walling; physically: he is straddling that fence and it is not good).
Whatever issues both of you had before are just getting worse. It’s not good.
Check out: The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse, it talks about things that are present in the marriage that predict failure with 99% accuracy.
It was silly if him to think that going to a different physical place would fix issues.
Especially without meds
And drinking isn’t going to fix anything, just make it worse
The burger incident through and through was sheer contempt for you. No respect whatsoever
So you’re beating yourself up for leaving early when he, a man pushing forty, spent most of the trip drunk and belligerent. When he, a man pushing forty, forgot his meds and apparently didn’t try to replace them. On a trip that was supposed to be a “make up” gift for his neglect. He was acting like a fucking ogre over chicken fries and a mildly awkward drive through moment. And *you’re* the bad guy somehow? my dude … it’s time to check in on your self esteem.
Do you think he is sitting around wondering what he could’ve done better? I’m asking sincerely… because everything you describe sounds like someone who takes no responsibility for themselves.
If he had any decency, he would be ten thousand leagues below the sea of shame right now. He would feel crushing, profound embarrassment for how he acted. He would be grovelling for your forgiveness, not holding this against you. You stood up for yourself when he treated you like dog shit. You left. You were correct to do that, and if he was a good man he would recognize that without being told.
Edit – had a heteronormative moment and messed up your gender. Apologies OP!
It sounds like he has been a bad partner to you for a long time. I can’t see any reason to stay in this relationship.