I (M23) have been with this girl (F23) for almost 4 years. We met in college and started dating our second year. Since then, we have done pretty much everything together. When we graduated, she really wanted to get an apartment together even tho I was really planning on going back to my parents’ to save money and help them too. She basically told me that if we didn’t live together, we’d break up. I really didn’t want to break up because I truly loved her so I caved.
This year living together has been really nice for the two of us. Obviously we have our issues and things but mostly good things. However, I still feel like I want to go back and live with my parents. I feel like I’ve missed so much by not living at home, including a lot of my niece’s first year and other family things. And my parents are getting older so I really want to be able to lighten their load, after all they’ve done for me.
It’s only been a year that I got out of college and if I lived at home, I wouldn’t be worrying about money as much as I am now. While in college, I was always just scraping by so it would be nice to not have to worry for once.
But I also feel like I’m missing a ton of independence because of the relationship in general. I don’t have time to do the things I love to do because she is always requiring my attention. And that’s another reason why I always feel like I’m missing out on family things.. She doesn’t like to visit my family even tho it’s really important to me.
Idk what to do.
Edit: Thank you for all the responses! I’m trying to read through as many as I can to see how I should approach the conversation with her. I’m also seeing a lot of comments saying that I’m being too dependent on my parents and that I’m not trying to adult (or something along those lines) but I have no issues adulting. I would just like to be more financially stable, is that so bad? And I don’t think I would lose any of my adult privileges/responsibilities by living with my parents. I am Mexican and I know it isn’t the case for every family but it is very common for young adults to stay with their parents until they marry and also to help with finances (after all they did for them). This feeling of responsibility and debt is only part of the reason I made this post, but the cultural aspect is the reason I don’t see anything wrong with going back.
TLDR: I want to move back in with my parents because my girlfriend is needy and I want to save money and help them with bills.
45 comments
This is a pro’s verse con’s question. Piece of paper, list what’s good and what’s not for both scenarios
It sounds like you guys have different core values. You can make it work, but will sacrifice a lot. I’d recommend leaving and figuring out who you are.
Sounds kind of like you want to break up not just move out.
Ok this is really tentative advice but usually if someone you’re dating gives you an ultimatum to get their way in a situation that isn’t really life-or-death, my petty ass would dump them immediately. But what was her reason for wanting to move in or otherwise break up?
The first issue was her giving you an ultimatum to move in. It’s just not something you do if you want a healthy partnership.
There is several things in your post that would suggest you don’t only want to move out but also break up. Think about your relationship and what you want before you tell her you want to move out. I feel she’ll throw another ultimatum though and what you want or need won’t be relevant to her, yet again.
Just saying but Inever heard anyone say they wanted to live with their parents after college….
It sounds like you’re in a very different stage of life than her. At her age, I would also have been upset if my boyfriend of four years wanted to live with his parents. I would have broken up with him if he insisted. And there’s nothing wrong with that, if your lives aren’t fitting together.
I don’t see this as an issue about living together, but more how you don’t have your own independence and family life built in either by not being assertive enough to mention it, or your girlfriend hogging all of your time and knowing she is doing it. The Ultimatum stuff suggests the latter is true, but I would hope there is some compromise and tact there for her to make this thing work.
Reading this, I can relate a lot to what you are saying. I actually loved living with my parents, and moved out at 30 with my now Fiancé. I also love my independence too.
What I see, is you wanting to go for the nuclear option. That’s either because you have tried smaller compromises and been batted down, or not “had the conversation with your other half” at all. For example you mention, “I barely see my niece”. Why? Are you too far away? Or is your GF always batting down your suggestions to go and see her?
The issue here as far as I can see, is assertiveness. You should be able to live together, and still do all of the things you mentioned above. So why can’t you? If you try and talk to your girlfriend and she acts dismissievely, that’s concerning.
I’m more alarmed at the family thing. What about your family that she doesn’t like? Is it the fact that you want to spend time with them? Have they mistreated her in any way? Is she jealous of you having affection for other people other than her? These are important things to consider when you are investing in a relationship with someone long term.
All I know is….any partner who actively tries to elienate you from other people in your life with no valid reason, is no true partner.
If you move back be prepared to lose her. If you can handle that then ok.
You’re an adult, you’re supposed to be valuing your independence from your parents and building a life either alone or with a romantic partner. That’s the future. Idk it sounds like you have some enmeshment issues with your family and some anxiety over growing up, moving out and having your own life.
Its totally fine to break up with her if she isn’t the one for you. But moving back home when you can afford to live alone is… regressing. That’s the past, not the future. You’re not a teenager anymore. You’re an adult. Nobody here in the UK wants to live with their parents after uni, those that do go back do it out of financial necessity. Just have a think about where you see yourself in 5 years.
Ultimatums aside, does anyone else find it kinda weird that he wants to live with his parents instead of his gf of 4 years. Especially after college. If I was the gf I would fear that I‘m just a placeholder gf.
So you want to live with your parents until they die? Uhhh ok. You sound a little spineless and very dependent. You wanting to move in to your parents house ‘because they’re getting older’ and ‘you’re missing out’ is suuuper dysfunctional, but whatever, if that’s what you want then leave this poor girl alone so she can find an adult to be with her, and you can live with your mom and dad forever. I would get therapy tbh, this type of dependence is not normal. But if that’s the life you want, so be it.
I think if you would rather live with your parents than your girlfriend it says everything you ever need to know about your relationship. Just break up with her dude. You know you want to.
In my opinion it sound like you’re just going with the flow, choosing the easy route. Gf seems to be making all the decisions, you didn’t cave as you put it, you hitched a ride as you don’t really have clear goals. Set some, start small and go bigger, then your life won’t feel like its being swallowed up by your gf. Good luck.
If this is what you truly want then let her go and move back home. I would note though, moving back in with parents is not usually a “gain independence” move.
First mistake you made was living with her when you didn’t want to. You don’t have to live with someone to make a relationship work. Secondly it’s odd as f@&$ that she doesn’t like to meet with your family, thats a red flag 🚩. My thinking is this, if you move back with your fam, you risk losing your relationship, if you stay with her, eventually those things that you feel you missed out on can become an issue. I would recommend sitting down and having a talk with her about how you feel.
There is nothing wrong in wanting your partner to also be a part of your families life, you sound very much like youhave needs that are not being met and it appears that your girlfriends need for attention is not only getting in the way of normal everyday things you need to do but also is at odds with visiting your family.
It okay to have these needs to be nearer to family, even save up so you can afford your own place, many people do so and that is okay.
You feel like a caring person who does love her but you are finding her demands too suffocating and you want to help out with your parents bills and see your niece more and sadly the choice is one or the other.
In relationships you learn what it is you don’t want and what you do, you want someone who wants to be around your family and who is a bit more independant of you and is less attention seeking. Maybe it doesn’t feel like enough of a reason but actually it shows that she isn’t someone who fit into your life values with something you value greatly and is a big part of your life.
Your family you clearly love a lot and is important to you, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of wiggle room in your relationship for both her and your family, so which one do you give up on?
I find it a little weird that you want to live with your parents because they’re getting older & you are missing out on your niece’s first steps. That’s part of being a grown up & starting to have your own life. Your niece isn’t your kid, therefore you will miss a lot of her first steps eventually. & just because your parents are getting older, it doesn’t mean that you should live with them until the day they die (may this day be veeeeeeeeeery far away in the future).
On the other hand I’ve read that your GF controls a lot of your time & demands you to spend most, if not all, your free time with her. **That’s** something you should work on. Running away from this won’t really solve the issue, nor will it help you to grow as a person. You cannot always run back to mommy & daddy as soon as something in your life makes you feel uncomfortable. You really have to put on your grown up pants & set up healthy boundaries within your relationship. If your GF won’t compromise or change her ways for a better, healthier relationship, then you can still think about moving out.
First red flag is threatening to break up with you if you didn’t do as she said….2nd red flag is her demanding all your attention….3rd red flag, her not wanting to interact with your family….bro I think you know you need to break up with her. You know there are things you need to do in your life and she isn’t part of that. Break free and live your life.
Sounds like you just want to live at home, and she wants to progress with the relationship. Family is awesome and all, but she sounds like she wants to start a family with you. Have you spoken to her about moving in with your parents aswell? The way you’re talking about your neices make it sound like they’re living with your parents aswell.
Be honest to her, you obviously have different goals and priorities in life.
It’s not fair for both of you guys. Find someone who is as family-oriented as you, and let her find someone she can be happily sharing the kind of relationship that she needs.
It sounds like both of you are requesting compromises from each other, and as much as that shows how much you love someone, it’s not fair to ask people to make compromises in their lives just to make the other person happy.
Wouldn’t it be much easier to be with someone who shares a common goal with you, that you can both work together for as a team, as partners?
I’m telling you. Nothing beats the satisfaction you get from that kind of healthy relationship. You both grow as people instead of destroying each other. It would be so much better if people learned to let go and pursue their happiness. Be honest to each other and you will find the one you can be yourself with. Life is too short to be unhappy, especially when you have an option out.
Sometimes you outgrow people but that doesn’t mean you don’t love them.
It doesn’t sound like the relationship serves you a whole lot and it doesn’t seem to make you happy. Do what YOU want to do. If your girlfriend can’t accept that and wants to break up with you then she’s not the one.
The moment she said she was gonna break up with you if you didn’t move in with her should have been it for you.
What exactly is this gf wanting you to do instead of these things that are clearly important to you? Why does she feel the need to keep you there?
The logical thing would be to compromise and rent a place closer to your family and help more physically than monetarily. Do you frequently see her family? Does she not have jobs and hobbies of her own that she could do instead of being attached to you constantly?
As a Mexican woman, family is very important to me. I grew up with my brother as my best friend and helped raise my younger sister. Now that I’ve moved out I miss out on a lot and when I visit it’s more noticeable what I’ve missed. I can’t tell you what to do about it but you’re not alone in missing your family and wanting to move back in. I’m 25 and my brother is older and still living at home and in Mexico we lived in a multigenerational home. I guess I’m trying to say it’s not impossible to have this sort of dynamic but it’s up to your girlfriend if she is capable of that or else you might need someone who is into a similar lifestyle
Tell her exactly what you told us. Let her response make your decision. If none of your needs or wants are considered in her answer, I think probably should end it. Family is important, but being in a relationship where you matter is important as well.
You have permission to move out and break up. Life is short.
I agree with the above comment, it does sound like you want to break up.
You need to come to accept what it is that you actually want before going in for a half hearted conversation. She deserves your honestly about your commitment.
In the meantime, please don’t let her carry on living in a blissful bubble with no Idea what is coming her way.
Alot of y’all in the comments are only focusing on judging him for wanting to move back home when he clearly said in the post if he hadn’t had moved out so soon he wouldn’t be worried about money so much, the spending time and helping out his parents is another matter. There’s nothing wrong with him wanting to move back home to save money and it’s obvious his girlfriend is controlling and pressured him into moving in with her after they graduated otherwise she wouldn’t be using ultimatums now. OP move out, dump the girl and stack yo money up, you’re 23 and too young to dealing with bs like this.
As you said your parents are getting old and time flys fast.
I suggest you spend more time with them.
Not all relationships are meant to last forever, they are meant to be experienced and enjoyed! You’re both just out of college – your reasons for moving back home are valid. To me, it’s a huge red flag she doesn’t like you to visit your family whom you clearly care a lot about. If she taking all of your time up after 4 years together, that’s way overly codependent. It sounds like you know what you need to do – a clean break. Move home. Live your life!
My guy.
You aren’t married.
You have no kids.
Why are you here telling us this? Tell and move on. You owe her that at least.
Might be the end of the relationship.
She wants more from the relationship than you do at this point. Either you two find a way to compromise that you can both live with (and, tbh, will be happy about) or else one or both of you will be unhappy going forward.
So you wanna live with your parents and save money. I’d say break up with her because you both have different goals. If visiting your niece is something for you, drive and go see her [its really no excuse for you to “not wanna live with your gf”]
Also OP, do what’s makes you happy. If living with your parents and saving money will make you happy, do it.
Edit: I know this is a 180. On account that culturally it is acceptable( yes i do understand mexican and latin culture a little bit) , I now understand more your need to be home, in the home with your family. It’s easy to forget that Caucasian culture doesn’t represent all culture here in America or elsewhere. So thank you for your edit to explain. I now understand where you are coming from. So I would say talk to your folks, and if they would like you to come back home, then go to them. Family is most important. Don’t use your girlfriend as a crutch. Tell her the truth. If you must end your relationship try to do so amicably. Ultimately your partner needs to be on board with your family, customs and culture. If she is not, then It’s ok to end the relationship.
My kids did not grow up in this sort of culture, and so I would view them wanting to come home to save money a little differently. My kids likely wouldn’t pay for groceries, or basic toiletries, probably wouldn’t help with chores, might do their own laundry, so from that standpoint they wouldn’t be extra help. I imagine you plan to help your folks with those extra expenses and contribute more to the household.
Original:
Well I might get a bit of hate for this…As a parent myself not sure how my child moving back in would lighten my load especially at your age It’slightening your financial burden. My advice, move to your home town if you want to be around family. Go over to their place and help them with odd jobs your dad shouldn’t or can’t physically do. But, be independent.
Hey, OP I’m sorry everyone here seems to be bashing you for wanting to be closer to your family. Idk how many people just recently graduated but as someone who did, I definitely understand the financial reason for wanting to move back in (especially with at least for me Covid completely froze all of my job offerings so I was back at square 1 financially). My personal advice would be to come up with a plan and present it with your gf (if this a relationship that you actually want that is).
The specific plan(s) would have to be up to what you feel like you need but here’s two examples to help get you started:
Move back in with parents for 3-6 months -> save up money -> find an affordable house you can rent or mortgage together
Find a cheaper place closer to parents -> allocate personal time for hobbies/family visits -> save up -> upgrade living
I definitely get your gf’s perspective about how you moving back in with your parents without a clear cut plan of moving back out may seem to her as a step backwards but that’s better than getting to the point of resentment. You because of all the money you could have saved; Her when she starts whining about a house or marriage and you tell her we can’t financially do either because we didn’t save money when we had the opportunity.
If she still gives you ultimatums without offering any input on how to help meet your financial/family needs, then I would cut ways and try to build your own financially healthy life on your own. In the short term, PLEASE go and enjoy your hobbies and you time. You shouldn’t trapped in your living arrangement because your gf doesn’t understand personal space
My bro, life is far too short man, if it’s playing on your mind then go live with your family. If she really loves you she wouldn’t say such a thing, it’s selfish. When you’re both ready mentally and financially you can defo move back in together.
Hopefully she only said that as a defence and didn’t truly mean it. Don’t feel bad bro, this is coming from someone who’s been separated from their family for almost 10 years.
Speak to your gf, explain your reasoning and see if you can work something out, maybe she can move in with your parents house if there’s space?
Wishing you both the best man!
My maternal parental used to tell me “the more you do, the more you may”, which roughly translates as “if you start out by doing a thing (either physical, like certain chores, or emotional, like giving up x, y or z because of the relationship), you will be expected to keep doing the thing, and there’s probably going to be a lot of resistance if you try to change that”.
How does this apply to you? A year ago, your girlfriend gave you an ultimatum – move in together or break up. You, in your own words, “caved” and moved in with her. This marked the beginning of putting her wants and needs above your own. Over the last year, you’ve continued this behaviour (this isn’t meant in a judgemental tone, I’m trying to be frank) by sacrificing your needs and wants (time alone, time doing things you want, time spent with family) to meet her needs (spending your time with her). You’re compromising your own needs and wants for her. Whilst this is okay in theory, there seems to be little reciprocation; does she give up things she wants/needs for you? Does she make similar sacrifices? Genuine questions, because of the compromises aren’t from both sides, problems occur.
Unless you can have a productive conversation about both of your wants and needs and where compromise needs to happen, this relationship doesn’t sound like it can last. You’ve begun and continued the behaviour of self-sacrifice, and you’ll be expected to continue because that’s just what’s you’ve always done. If you can’t address the balance in an effective way, either she’ll kick back because your behaviour won’t benefit her as much, or you’ll continue to keep doing it and the resentment will build to toxic levels.
Think carefully about your compatibility here, because it sounds like you need different things. And that’s okay! A failure of a relationship is NOT a failure of character. Contrary to what we’re fed our whole lives, love alone isn’t enough to make a relationship work; we need to have similar wants and needs, our goals need to line up, our plans for the future need to align. A clingy person isn’t going to have a happy relationship with a very independent person, they need to be with someone who is similarly clingy and so on.
You also need to think about who you’re becoming. Studies show that the brain doesn’t finish growing and developing until we’re about 25, meaning you’re not likely to be the same person that went into this relationship 4 years ago. Hell, you’re unlikely to even be the same person as you were when you loved I together a year ago! Does the person you see yourself becoming fit with the person the person your girlfriend is/may become? Can you see your future self genuinely sharing a happy life with her? Some people, when in a relationship through college, will grow together and compliment each other, whilst others will grow apart. Neither is “right”, its about what feels right to YOU.
I went through a similar situation so I thought I’d share.
I was with someone for 5 years and we lived together for 3 of them. I had started college and was going to move on campus, but he wanted me to live with him because according to him it’d make our relationship easier and we’d see each other more, etc.
Well while living together, I focused on school as well as work, which was a lot considering I was going to school full time and working almost a full time work schedule. It became an issue because I never had time for him, never hung out with him, never called off work (needed the money) and when i would take less work days, that I wouldn’t pay for concerts that he invited me to(again, broke college student),etc.
With work and school taking up my time as well as trying to make time for him only to get a constant “what you’re doing isn’t enough”, i felt so lost on priorities, who i was, and never did anything for myself.
Fast forward, i had been asking him for a year if he was happy and if i should just move on (got mixed replies- yes i should move on but then he would say he wanted to work on us), we finally broke up (on good terms) and I moved back with my parents. I was able to focus on graduating, pay off all my debt i went into living with him, and i was able to finally work a little less, focus on myself and what I like and date other people. My parents (also hispanic) were very supportive in me getting myself together and gave me my space to date, meet someone better suited for me. Yes, i still helped with bills, groceries, chores, but my parents were able to have an adult relationship with me while helping me thrive.
Now i’m married to someone i’m happy with, we have a baby, a home, and i have a better sense of self. As much as i thought i didn’t want to leave the relationship, im glad i did and took my time
Tell your gf you want to break up and go back home to your family. I thinks important. It’s not like you’re never going to leave again. Life is long. You’re an adult now and your bond will also be different and more mature with your family. Plus, if family is something that is very important to you, find someone that feels them same. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
Idk i think yall are focusing on the wrong thing here, regarding moving back in with parents. I dont see why everyone is trying to anyalyze that so much. Its fine if you as a parent wouldnt do that or allow that with your child, but his will so i think that point is done. Wasnt the main reason for the post anyway.
And there are relationships where you can’t really do things you like to do when home together, which is sad. Everyone should be allowed to have hobbies and some alone time. If moving back in with your parents will give you a sense of self again then go for it.
Its a huge red flag that you dont see your family much because SHE doesnt like to. That is your family and knowing its important to you means it should be important enough to her to either go with you or understand she will miss out on things that you wont because she didnt want to go. But you have to put your foot down. If it were the other way around i doubt youd be able to say the same to her without some kind of backlash.
I hope everything works out for you OP.
Moving with your parents is NOT regressing.
But you will probably ruin the relationship with your girlfriend.