what is the best comeback you have ever given to someone who was being a jerk?

7 comments

1. [removed]

2. Someone called me weak for not liking spicy food and I said I’m not so insecure that I base my self perception on how spicy my food is.

   Someone kept criticising my home and I told her “I’m not aware we’re here on a sightseeing trip”

3. A guy tried to hit on my smoking hot friend who was visiting from the UK.

   We were sitting at the bar and the guy had a really filthy pick up line (something about sitting on his face) and he clearly thought he was being witty and charming.

   She shut it down by saying “ew gross”, to which he responded “fuck you” and she said “no thanks” without missing a beat.

   It’s not the most epic comeback but the interaction was so quick and snappy that he was left red faced and ended up leaving the bar.

4. My ex called me useless, which is one of those words that my shrink calls a “trigger.”

   My ex had also gone to work high, dismembered himself, managed to NOT get fired, only to walk out and not get another job. He did not appreciate my reminding him of all that and that he was three months behind on rent due to being blatantly useless to me or anyone else. Shortly after, I asked my mom to call his mom, since he told me he had no other place to go and was being a child. Nothing like calling a grown ass man’s mom on him… she showed up with a truck and moved him out of my house in 4 hours the next morning.

5. My ex always treated me like I couldn’t be trusted. One day I needed to buy something and was looking for cash. I was going through his jacket pockets hoping he had a few bucks there and found my wallet, which I had left hidden in the door pocket of our van and which was totally empty of money (which is why I wasn’t looking for it). I left it there and moved on with life.

   Next day we’re arguing and he says triumphantly, “you don’t even know where your wallet is.” I smuggly informed him it was in the pocket of his jacket. He was outraged.

6. I’m kind of slow, so any comebacks that occur to me don’t do so until later. My mom once told me that if brains were dynamite, I wouldn’t be able to blow my nose. I guess I could have said, “Well, I take after you, mom,” but that would have felt really mean.

7. One that made my friend choke and the bartender laugh out loud.

   Presumptuous Asshole: I bet you have a pretty smile. You’d be so much more attractive if you smiled!”

   Me: Aw thanks! You’re right I do have a great smile! Shame there isn’t anyone here worth attracting.”