I got home on Friday night after taking my car to the garage (they weren’t able to fix the fault yay!) And got home to my boyfriend who was miserable about the puppy. She’s hardwork and 9 months old and loves to whine. It’s worse if she doesn’t get a huge amount of exercise per day. He told me she was doing his head in. We went to bed.
Next day I was trying to do some art work (it’s how I make my money) and was at home with both the dogs. My boyfriend got home from the launderette and just wanted to sit down and have a smoke when he got in. As he came in dogs were excited to see them and he was telling them to go away.
I could hear the puppy barking upstairs and him telling her to get down and lie down so I went upstairs and said “Are you going to get more progressively annoyed with the puppy here or should I take the dogs out?”
I should not have used those words. I know they were the wrong words. I’m pretty abrasive probably in the way I speak sometimes and I’m not trying to take blame away from myself by saying this but I’ve got ADHD and it’s just the way I’m used to talking.
He asked me why I was trying to start an argument and why I had to monitor his emotions all the time and why I thought it was okay for me to be annoyed with the puppy and not him and why did I think he was an ogre and that I should think before I speak and that he’s sick of the puppy dictating our lives and it isn’t normal.
I wasn’t trying to start an argument. I didn’t really mind that he was annoyed with the puppy but I was a little exasperated as I was in the middle of trying to work. I have no interest in monitoring his emotions all the time. I think it’s a bit silly when I get annoyed with the puppy but I know it’s only natural and not her fault. I don’t think he’s an ogre? Everyone says things sometimes that come out wrong? I was just trying to check to see if he wanted me to take her away from him.
I did try to explain that getting a puppy does kind of mean you have to sometimes put the puppies needs above your own?
I went out anyway and thought it was okay. Until today when we were going to bed and the puppy was getting up and down and he was rolling his eyes and sighing everytime she got out of her bed and I said… without thinking at all “Why don’t you put the puppy in her crate rather than letting yourself get more annoyed?”
I tried to explain myself. I just meant why don’t you put her to bed? I should have done it myself. I’m an idiot. Yesterday was a bad argument and he was really angry with me but he’s on his first few days of not smoking any weed so I thought it might be a bit of that rather than what I had actually said.
So tonight he’s said. We should get rid of the puppy. Me talking about him being annoyed is a deal breaker for him. He feels constantly watched and monitored by me. Hes always wrong and I think I’m perfect. The things I said were horrible. Normal people allow other people to be annoyed (I told him I don’t care if he’s annoyed… that wasn’t what I was trying to say) He’s going to leave and leave me the flat because he’s got a real problem with this behaviour of mine.
He’s said not to draw attention to the fact he’s annoyed. He’s happy to break up over it.
I have no idea what to do with this situation. I feel like he’s reading so much into what I said that just isn’t there. This isn’t the first time we have had one of these issues…
I’m trying to do full time University from home. I’ve got these two dogs. I have a small business. It’s the middle of winter. I don’t really have anywhere to go now with both of the dogs. I feel really stuck and afraid.
TDLR: Boyfriend doesnt want me to bring attention to the fact he’s annoyed even if it’s to ask him if I can help in someway or inadvertently. It’s my word choice he has a problem with. I’m aware I have a habitually brash way of talking so I don’t think this is something I’m going to be able to change over night. He isn’t happy to allow the occasional slip up because it’s so grating on him. He finds it so annoying he’s happy to brakeup over it. We have been together for 5 years. We have a 9 month old puppy and a 13 year old dog. If I leave we’ll be homeless. I don’t know what to do.
12 comments
The puppy sounds stressful and you are attacking him for being stressed. I’d be poised if I was him too. Find the puppy a better home if it’s too much. More importantly, work on how you treat/talk to your boyfriend.
i can understand why your language might feel abrasive to him but there seems to be an issue with problem solving? like, if he knows hes feeling annoyed abt a behavior, why isnt he proactive abt fixing it? also, like, a puppy is a kid,. yes. you need to manage your emotions and monitor yourself. rehome the puppy if its too much stress but also look into the problems this is bringing out in your relationship
You’re super critical of him. I think I have to agree with him. You seem very controlling.
Why did you get a puppy? Did you both agree to it?
If he’s using language like “she’s doing my head in” and he is not able to be patient with the puppy as she has puppy energy… maybe the puppy is not a good idea.
I don’t think you’re attacking him at all. Idk why others are saying you are. You’re trying to get a feel for how much he can handle of this living being you’re both taking care of, and he is getting annoyed with you for asking/trying to gauge the situation.
Why did you get a puppy? Did you both agree to it?
If he’s using language like “she’s doing my head in” and he is not able to be patient with the puppy as she has puppy energy… maybe the puppy is not a good idea.
I don’t think you’re attacking him at all. Idk why others are saying you are. You’re trying to get a feel for how much he can handle of this living being you’re both taking care of, and he is getting annoyed with you for asking/trying to gauge the situation.
You should look at the difference of “I” and “you” statements. They explain how “you” statements start arguments. “Are you going to get more progressively annoyed with the puppy here or should I take the dogs out?” Vs “I feel worried about your mental health, would you want me to take our dogs out while you rest?”
“I” statements are less hostile and word problems so they can be solved together. “You” statements make people feel blamed “can YOU stop being annoyed by the puppy” “YOU always seem annoyed” ” YOU don’t give the puppy much attention ”
P.s. your boyfriend isn’t that great either ditching you while your dad was in a coma. Will he ditch you when your sick and hospitalized? What about if you guys had kids, would it be you staying at home because they annoy him? Would he leave you because you had his baby and it cries thus annoying him?
Puppies are just not that hard to deal with. Have an Australian Shepherd and within a couple weeks of consistent reinforcement she’s potty and crate trained.
If it’s that hard for him to handle a puppy then it’s kind of pathetic
I’m curious, what is your dog’s breed? I have a chihuahua. The training is DAILY. DAILY REMINDER to go pee (he’s small 8 pounds, 5 years old and trained to go pee/poop indoors), for treats, etc. But he only barks when he can hear someone walk up stairs (we live on the top, and when we get deliveries, he gives this look, and bolts and starts barking but he will wait until I start walking , I’ll open the door get our packages and I give him kudos for “looking out for mommy”).
There are some breeds that need TONS OF DAILY EXERCISE. IF your boyfriend never had dogs growing up, doesn’t have any experience with training dogs and just gets annoyed at the barking, maybe he’s just not a dog person. Which the responsibility of walking, feeding, taking them out to pee/poop falls on you.
There’s totally something else going on here. The puppy is not the real problem, but it is the easiest, most obvious thing to be overwhelmed about.
Just focusing on dog: It’s incredibly stressful to KNOW what the solution to a problem is (take the dog out, play with the dog, crate the dog) and then watch someone NOT TRY any reasonable solutions. This man was possibly hoping/expecting that you would just step in and do everything dog related – but instead you called out the behavior for what it is, it’s very immature! (Hey bros attacking: this is not normal venting, asking for support; this is manipulation and he is escalating when he says let’s pitch the dog.)
I don’t know if your man gets this overdramatic at every disagreement; I read the comment about your dad, and you don’t mention if he threatened to break up or just fucked off without saying anything – so maybe this is his normal, right? Maybe you can fix this if you never again ask him to have a moment of self reflection! But he sounds like a very unreliable partner, and if I were your RL friend I would encourage you to start getting backup plans ready.
Last thought: what does your birth control situation look like? Sorry, he’s the one who suggested a puppy, DO NOT let him suggest a kid.
Everyone is focused on the dog. I’m focused on the middle-aged man acting like a preteen girl.
Your boyfriend is a pos, sorry, but a minor irritation turning into days of conflict is not acceptable.
Y’all are too old for this kind of petty stuff.
> he’s sick of the puppy dictating our lives and it isn’t normal.
What a joke! Of course it’s normal. When you get a new puppy, your life is going to revolve around the puppy for a while. It sounds like he wasn’t prepared for the responsibility.
I do have to say, I probably would have also interpreted your comments as an attack if I was in his position. But I think that breaking up over it is an overreaction, since you’ve explained yourself. This relationship sounds like one where you’re both unhappy. But while I think he’s being a jerk, I also think you should try to phrase things differently. Just offer to take the dog out, without further comment.
Edit: to clarify, I think that him threatening to break up over your comments is an overreaction, but the relationship as a whole might have run its course. Also from your other comments he sounds pretty terrible in general.