There’s a rise in loneliness among men today, why?

41 comments

  1. There’s a rise in loneliness among everyone today. We live in a very low trust society and everyone is glued to social media and/or spends most of their free time doing solitary activities.

    When you can get so much entertainment and instant gratification from the comfort of your own home, a lot of people see no point in even doing anything else.

  2. Lack of social skills, women don’t need the same things from men in a relationship as they used to, online dating has allowed women a lot more options than before, the average man’s confidence is shit these days, and in general no one was able to prepare this generation of men for the real world.

    I’m sure there’s more reasons but that’s what’s came to mind right away

  3. People don’t spend time with other people like they used to. From an increase in time spent online, work from home, pandemic concerns, dwindling/monetized public spaces, etc. we live a more insular life than we used to. I think, like many other species, humans are social creatures and we suffer mentally when there is a lack of genuine, in-person interaction.

  4. Online dating has made it harder for men to find a partner, women have so many options that the majority of men struggle to get a match, whilst a select few men control the attention of lots of women.

  5. I think a bunch of us are just thinking. Watching. Trying to find a way out of the ahit show we are in. And not wanting to dump that shit on anyone else.

  6. It is easy to pass off men as sex crazed, but the part that we don’t say enough out loud is that we crave intimacy more than sex. The touch, the attention, the connection actually does mean more to us than the physical release. We can be in a relationship and still be really lonely without that intimacy.

  7. Technology and the internet age is a big factor for sure. I saw statistics showing an even high rate in women. It is just society right now. With the combination of a once in a lifetime pandemic and the increase in technology it has forced a lot of people into isolation b.c it is easy to be isolated now.

  8. I can’t speak for other men but from my and my friend’s experiences, there’s just too much else happening that takes people away from relationships, making a lot feel unready for a serious relationship

  9. I’m going to partly blame social media, it’s ironically made people less social than ever and if you’re a man you go to work maybe play a sport but if you don’t have a spouse that’s usually about the end of your socialization.

  11. People must put off serious relationships due to financial reasons and pursuing careers or education to afford anything. Many men isolate themselves through video games and don’t play outside as much as boys. They end up with a very small social circle and not really dateable. Lots of parents need to do better, and young men need to help themselves… because the hard truth is that nobody else is coming to help them.

  12. A bunch of reasons including:

    Breakdown of social clubs, like bowling alleys or masonic lodges

    Deprivation of identity and societal role

    Internet replacing lots of social interactions

    Can’t use public spaces like parks or trails where kids might be without a female escort

    Increased work hours/commute times

    Decline of alcohol use, especially in young people

  13. Men’s clubs, lasting relationships from long term jobs, church attendance, rec sports, living where you grew up with access to old friends, all the things that used to keep men socializing are on the decline. With CoL the way it is a bunch of young people are even shying away from hobbies.

    The same thing is happening to women, of course, but something about the way we raise boys doesn’t teach them to prioritize and maintain relationships the same way once the regular contact is broken.

    Then on top of that you’ve got all these manosphere twats preaching “alpha” bullshit that translates to teaching that all other men are competition, not friends and that can’t be helping at all.

    So you have a bunch of young men who go to work, go home, maybe hit the gym and….that’s it. Of course they’re lonely.

  15. I work from home, none of my guy friends ever want to do anything besides “you can come over and smoke if you want” most of them are always with their gfs, wives or are starting families or just tired after work. I cant speak for all of you but i know for my guy friends, our friendship is mostly maintained by sharing memes a few times a week and thats about it, we never call eachother just to talk, dont text eachother throughout the day, we hangout maybe once a month, its basically impossible to get more than 2 or more of my friends in one place at the same time. All of my guy friends feel like acquaintances at best.

    Honestly the people i hang around with most are dates that i meet on Hinge, cause at least they dont bail last minute and actually want to go somewhere or do something new.

  16. Loneliness is everywhere, and part of it is due to social media. People are so used to instant stimuli that just old fashioned dinner conversation becomes boring by comparison. I was raised before the age of smartphones, and even I sometimes struggle to not check my phone while sitting with other people.

    For people with some degree of social anxiety, this is worse, because it’s so easy for them to just escape online instead of working on building real social connections.

  17. I dunno.

    Maybe it’s because a lot of us are unattractive and invisible to women, but I dunno. Could just be me.

  18. One guess I discussed with some friends is that women no longer have to settle. They can earn a living for themselves now, have better rights and opportunities. So they are becoming less dependent on men than they were previously for support. Allowing them freedom to choose. Today women have the freedom to be picky. Not saying this is the case for all women but, as a women you don’t have to choose between marrying a pos or being homeless as much anymore. And more power to them.

  19. I think other people here have had a pretty good grasp, but let me try to get it all in one place:

    1. Atomization: Public meeting spaces are becoming fewer and far between. There aren’t many places you can just go to and exist. And even fewer that foster community. Love it or hate it, religion has a lot of social benefits. We’ve definitely moved more and more away from it, but didn’t replace it with anything analogous. It’s just harder than ever to have random, casual encounters with strangers to socialize.

    2. Quality of Interactions: Even amongst the interactions people do have, there’s fewer genuine interactions. People get their social fix by looking for dates on tinder and bumble or hanging out with friends on discord. And that’s absolutely better than nothing. But it’s fundamentally different than in person interactions. The closest thing most people get to genuine interactions is the bar scene, and that isn’t exactly the setup for many lifelong friendships/ relationships.

    3. Changing Expectations: Moving from general woes to men specifically, nobody could have prepared these young men for the paradigm shift that’s come in the past 15-20 years. We’re stuck with one foot in the past where men are supposed to be these stoic bulwarks of rationality, productivity, and masculinity. And the other foot is in the progressive space of equality, anti-patriarchy, and understanding. So women are able to provide for themselves for the first time in human history, and a salary isn’t enough to guarantee a man a partner. So even if you did everything you were supposed to, you feel demonized and shamed for it. It’s still not enough. And that dejection and feeling of being sold a false bill of goods will naturally lead to resentment and withdrawal.

    4. Lack of outlets: And to cap it off, men typically aren’t given tools to process these feelings internally, or a space where it’s ok to express them externally. They’re frequently invalidated under the umbrella term of “male privelege” and oppression Olympics style dismissal. There aren’t many role models to look to, so the only people that speak to them are shitbags like Tate and Gary Vee who just get paid to tell men it isn’t their fault while feeding them garbage to keep them miserable.

    The result: Men are lonely because in terms of socialization we have done the equivalent of replacing our entire diet with one McNugget a day. Interactions are cheaper and fewer. There is a mismatch in expectations from what we were told to expect and what the world is like, and there’s a complete lack of direction. And we are simultaneously told to not have emotions, being shamed when we say there is a problem, and being fully expected to process everything internally with no help or conception of what that looks like. The result? Bottle and withdraw.

  20. Our needs are not being met, instead of solving our problems, we use technology to suppress the symptoms instead of addressing the issues

    We men need to socialize, have a “tribe” and pair bond with a member of the opposite sex. (Woman need that too) we also need to have a goal, make the effort to go and get it, come back to the ones we love to share the prize of the goal, in return our loved ones makes us feel appreciated and needed

    These are biological needs, just like being hydrated. When your body needs water, it will give you an uncomfortable feeling (feeling thirsty) to push you to drink water. When you feel alone, your body will make you feel lonely to push you to go outside and meet people, if you have no goals, your body will make you feel lost.

    The problem is with all the technology that allows us to effectively suppress those uncomfortable feelings of loneliness and being lost instead of solving the actual issue that created those feelings. My loneliness should push me to go outside to meet new people, but it’s easier to watch twitch / livestreams to feel like I’m hanging out with friend. My loneliness should make me go out to meet a girl but it’s easier to watch ASMR videos and porn. My feeling of being lost should push me to find a goal in life, but it’s easier to find a goal in a video game and put the efforts into this instead

    We have become experts at using technology to suppress the symptoms while ignoring the real issues. Just like you can suppress a headache with a pill, but doing that won’t solve anything if the headache is caused by a brain cancer.

  22. There’s a rise in awareness about lonely men IMO. Before the internet most would just suffer alone in silence.

  24. Go to work, come home, watch tv, repeat.

    Weekends are spent working just to make it, or if you’re lucky relaxing from brutal work weeks.

  26. A combination of largely being taught not to develop good social skills, and not to look for intimate social interaction from anyone other than women, thus ignoring our entire gender (notice how many people responded to this question with how dating is more difficult. That’s an issue.). There’s also the diminishment of traditional ways of connecting men with other men, without much in the way of alternatives (that is, We don’t go to church, we don’t go the pub… So do we go _anywhere_ communal?)

    That’s the things that pertain to men _specifically_. But there is also the fact that (in many countries), people are working longer for less money, leaving less time for leisure that would put them in contact with other people. We’re also more insular and individualistic, which means we don’t even think we’re _supposed_ to build connection with people we encounter.

  28. In-person groups like civic organizations, churches, and hobbyist groups are down. I think that’s a lot of it. We’ve become more insular since it’s just easier to interact virtually than leave the house. Thus, it becomes imperative to proactively seek out and maintain relationships, which a lot of people, men and women, aren’t good at.

    I suspect men are worse at this than women. For example, I text with my closest friends maybe once a month or so. It has literally never occurred to me to actually call just to chat. And once kids are in the mix, you can almost forget about trying to coordinate hanging out in-person.

    It’s different once you’re out of school. Back then, you were essentially provided potential friends due to similar demographics and sheer proximity. Some people have a hard time making friends without that help.

  29. Answered a similar question elsewhere, but I think there are two big predictors:

    1. Lots of men are unpartnered, which is a significant factor. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/wqnner/why_is_there_a_rise_in_the_number_of_single_men/iknt8vm/

    2. “Men” is a large demographic, but let’s assume you’re talking about men ages, say, 20-50ish. Most of the men I know in that age category can’t really afford the same hobbies people could 20 years ago. I’m in a better spot now than I was a few years ago, but I couldn’t afford to take up things like golfing, or fixing up a nice car, or any of the things that traditionally give you a chance to meet new people through a shared interest.

    One thing I will say – get involved in a charitable organization. I made a ton of lifelong friends as an adult by volunteering with places like animal rescues, wildlife organizations, etc., and I think that’s a win on a bunch of fronts – you get to do something that’s good for the world, you give back, the work is fulfilling, and you’re likely to meet some people that give a shit about a thing you also give a shit about. (And it’s free!)

  30. We’re too focused on the quality of relationships with women and not enough with men folk.

    Many of us bought into the _Happy Wife, Happy Life_ myth that we now know to be a precursor for abuse ans neglect.

    Women manage to have bookclub and hen nights and tend to keep track of birthdays and stuff. They are also more likely to tolerate things in order to belong to a click (see frienenemies).

    I’ve started telling my dad bros that I’m proud of them (and why) and that I love them. Then I tell them I need their time. Guys make time when their needed, not just wanted.

    Fact is, we need each other more now than before. So I don’t hesitate to tell my bros what they mean to me.

  33. Yesterday I went swimming with my daughter. She 7yo. People kept staring at me when I was holding her close to me. She just learns to swim all by herself, so she needs help and sometimes just hangs on me. I never get those looks when I’m with my wife and our daughter together swimming. When we had to go out and go showering she went to the women’s showers and I to the men’s. First I had to take out her braids. Anybody who does that with wet hair knows it can hurt a bit sometimes. My daughter wasn’t crying or anything like that. It wasn’t that bad but she just said ouch from time to time. Two women went by and gave me those accusatory looks. I saw them so often. But never when my wife and I were together. My wife believes I’m exaggerating. Though I told her so often how bad of a feeling this is.

    My wife feels to have all the right in the world to go on vacation, to tell me when, how and how often to clean the house, make dinner/breakfast/lunch, do laundry and take care of the kids when she wants to go out. Though I already do enough and more than my fair amount of all the chores including the mental workload. She is fully allowed to say what she wants and needs and what she not wants and needs. My needs are disgusting and selfish and superficial. She is fully allowed to say that I should work more to make more money but when I make more hours it’s bad either. Nothing of that would be anyhow appropriate if I would mention it! Not according to her but according to all our female friends or even my own mother! Leaving would mean I loose so much. First of all our children who I won’t get to see daily. But anything else I woked so hard for would be lost, too.

    And besides all my personal experiences men get accused of having done and still doing the most terrible things in the world. We would live in patriarchy and are not worth the same value than women.

    So I don’t know how it comes that we feel lonely.

  34. Because we can’t afford to do anything except be at work 50+ hours a week making some other guy rich while I still can’t afford a fucking one bedroom apartment and eat at the same fucking time.

  35. ​

    After HS and College it gets difficult to form friendships. I left my old Hs friends cause they weren’t good for me to be around. I go to an online college so not gonna meet anyone that way.

    I personally am not good with women so I gave up on dating. If you’re not good socially or if society rejects you then there’s not much you can do. I personally am ok with being alone for the most part but sometimes it hurts. Is what it is.

  36. we live in a very isolated society. we wake up, go to work, come home, watch TV, go to bed, repeat. Our lifestyles don’t give us consistent time or places to meet new people with shared interests and build community. Most people can’t afford it either. This leads to difficulty in finding a partner or making new friends outside of work.

  37. There’s simply a lack of social programs that target men.

    Women have a number of social programs from anything from Post-partem groups, Introduction to STEM groups, Womens groups on campuses, and everything under the sun. I’m not sitting here and saying it’s not fair, as all of these programs have been fantastic for women and society as a whole. However there does need to be a societal pivot to recognize that similar social program funded to target men and the aspects of their life where support is needed.

    I don’t think tearing down women’s groups is the answer. I’d much rather prop up men than tear down women.

  38. One thing I noticed when speaking to people about men’s problems is that some people say yeah but…women go through this and that etc. Whilst I fully understand women have their issues, when we talk about men’s issues, we are by no means trying to start a gender war!

  39. the new concept of social media starting around 2005 moved all types of relationships to virtual world making it easier to “turn off” or as it’s called block people who you don’t want to deal with any more

    That wasn’t happening before , you don’t like someone tough luck you have to deal with them and you can’t travel anywhere easily

  40. So many reasons.

    First, we’ve been conditioned to be competitive with each other. This is fine when young but as you age it becomes one more factor pushing you away from companionship.

    Second: people move away from extended families these days. Families provide a ton of social contact for men.

    Third: overwork. Wage declines against rising costs means we work way more hours.

    Fourth: hostile environment. It’s really hard to be basically comfortable anymore, because social interactions are highly policed. Mass shaming can happen to anyone. Still feel old fashioned in an area or two? People online and in real life are ready to make you a villain. Folks just looking for things to be angry about and don’t care who they hurt.

    At some point you just give up. I’ll keep my head down, do my work, do my hobbies, and take care of my kids. Everybody else can fuck off.

    But god damn it’s lonely.

  41. Seismic societal changes. In the 50s, there was no internet. People, men would socialize (in person) far more often. Married men would come home to their housewife*, who had already done the cooking and cleaning. The ratio of wages to living expenses (housing/rental and food) was relatively small.

    Fast-forward to 2023. Instead of meeting friends up in person, we relegate them to text messages (no voice, no picture). The ratio of wages to living expenses is now laughable, thanks to corporate greed. Therefore, we need work more (more money) to pay for a place to live (and, conversely, LESS free time). We’re unmarried and the # of independent women, having their own successful careers, are no longer “housewives.” WE (men) have to do all the cooking and cleaning – on top of working our assets off to little results.. And next to no free time.

    Why are we more lonely? We have no time, no money. Our limited free time is superficial and we spend it on social media, video games, porn, or endless text messages.

    (* of course, this is overgeneralizing and perhaps stereotypical, but, in general, my point remains that we worked less and didn’t have to work AS hard or AS much)

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