A woman (31F) I’ve (35M) known for a long time and me had a casual but intimate relationship for around a year (friends turned to lovers). She wanted to get more serious, but due to me being afraid to commit, and basically taking her for granted I turned her down and she quickly met someone else. I immediately regretted my decision and expressed that regret to her, even before I learned she met the new guy, but it was too late at that point, she was frustrated and determined to move on, or punish me, or whatever. Over the last 6 months we’ve had many near misses of reconnecting while she was seeing this other guy. It was an emotional roller coaster of her getting somewhat close to me, but then ultimately not committing, and me getting angry and saying things I now regret. We did that cycle multiple times. I could tell she still loved me, and I wanted to reconnect, but she had feelings for the new guy and reservations about me. She said on multiple occasions that she loved both me and the other guy. It was a really unhealthy situation where I think she didn’t want to let go of me completely, and I wanted to get back together. So, she totally enabled the worst emotions in me of jealousy and anger.
Now her and the other guy have split up, but I made the mistake of misjudging where they were at, because she totally kept me in the dark about what was going on between them. We had been getting somewhat close again, but ultimately I got fed up, angry, and basically told her off and said I wanted nothing to do with her anymore and I was sick and tired of being strung along while she was with someone else. Horrible timing, this was right around when they split up.
I really love this person and desperately want to give it another chance. We’ve talked a limited amount since all the drama, and I expressed that I was just emotional and didn’t mean what I said. She told me that she’s hurt and just needs space right now. I can totally respect that, and give her the space; but the irrational side of me is scared that I’ll lose her and I’m dying for some reassurance that we have a second chance out there. There’s a lot of built up resentment we both hold over the messy situation we’ve been in for the past few months, and I think doubt on her side, some on my side too. I know I just need to give things space right now and let her come to me, but I just can’t stop thinking about her. I’ve had a couple short flings with other people during the past few months and both of them I just was thinking about how I wish I was with her. It’s like I can’t even date someone else or move on.
Besides just giving it time and seeing whether we can reconnect slowly, does anyone have advice on how to progress here? or what not to do? I really want to reach out, but I know I need to respect her desire for space, and I don’t want to turn her off any more than I already have by getting too emotional. Is this even worth giving another chance after we’ve both been so unfair to each other?
I know that my description of the situation is a lot to unpack, because it’s genuinely complicated af. So I’ll be happy to clarify or add any details.
7 comments
Sounds like you have FOMO. You had your chance, for an entire year. Let this poor woman move on with her life.
Seems pretty simple, you fucked up and you should move on and let this woman go. Take some time off from dating and sort your shit out so that you don’t fuck up things up the next time you meet someone as well.
There is nothing complicated here, you are just trying to find a way to avoid taking responsibility for all the ways you screwed yourself here.
If you aren’t ready to commit to a relationship that is fine, but be honest with yourself and with your dating partners about that. Then you can avoid all this needless drama. If you do want a relationship, then you have to be ready to commit when the time comes. If you aren’t ready when they are, then you have to let them go, not do this unfair commitment dance you did with this woman.
And you telling her off because she was stringing you along, WHILE SHE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER MAN, wasn’t horrible timing. It was just you being a horrible person. She was in a relationship with another man, she wasn’t stringing you along, you were stringing yourself along.
If you really love her, leave her alone and work on yourself. Sounds like you have some inner work to do around commitment.
I would also ask you if you really do love her. Not what she represents, not the potential relationship, not her potential growth, but who and how she is right now.
Or do you like that she left you and tried to move on? Because you keep exploding at her and pushing her away when you are getting close. You may be confusing drama, attention, and an active nervous system for love.
You’re right in that it sounds very unhealthy for both of you. Let her go and live her life without you. Take time to figure out what you really want because neither of have had time apart. Roller coasters eventually come to a stop and the riders exit.
It’s very hard to get past that resentment. I had a similar situation with an ex and it did NOT go well. I still had feelings and so tried the Nth chance but the resentment came out in the worst way.
I don’t like that you said enabled the worst emotions in you. Whatever others do, you can always choose to make the mature response.
I might even say her reservations of you are due to the fact that you have been explosive / saying things you didn’t mean in the moment.
Like everyone else said, you got to work on yourself. Regardless of whether you reconnect with her.
Wow. This was a lot to read and it all sounds very unhealthy. Too much flipping back and forth. Too much manipulation and drama. You say that you both love one another, but none of this reads as two people who truly love, care and respect one another.
You screwed up big time. People make choices and choices have consequences. You should leave her alone, go to therapy and work on yourself.