My fiancé (M 32) and I (F 33) bought a home together within the last 6 months. Prior to this we were long distance (about 2 hours from each other) for 8-9 years. We both had our own things we were working on in that time- academically and professionally. We both didn’t think we’d be that way for that long but that was how it worked out.
I wanted to be married before buying a place together but that didn’t happen and I am actually happy about that now because I’m seeing that this relationship might actually not be something I want to continue.
I always thought of him as a great life partner. For the most part he is supportive of me and I of him. Our communication has not been great but we are working on that. He is really handy with things around the house- able to fix plumbing, electrical, likes to work on different things. I always knew this about him. In buying this house we had to paint the whole place top to bottom. Originally we were going to paint it ourselves. I was really down for it and wanted to do it, I knew it would take a bit. That was our plan to paint it ourselves. Then he decided he didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t paint it all myself so hired a painter to do it and paid $6500 (excluding the basement). Now I’m realizing his whole thing is he *likes* to do all that stuff above but he *doesnt really want to/is lazy* and will take ages to do something.
I don’t want to have to be like his mom and keep asking for something to be done. Mom is not a role I want to be at all. We went without a mirror in our downstairs bathroom for months when he had the materials needed to hang it and just didn’t do it until Christmas since we were having family here. This is the bathroom I primarily use because I don’t want to disturb him on his days off in the morning getting up early and getting ready. He knows this and knew there was no mirror in there for a good 4-5 months since the painter was there and had removed it.
He isn’t thoughtful or caring, writing this and thinking about things I am realizing this. There is no caring from him at all. I was sick in November and not once in the time I was sick did he offer to make any meals or walk our dog (originally my dog who is still young and just about a year and a half). At one point my mom invited me to her place and let me rest for the day there. I slept the whole day because I was so tired and really not getting any rest at home.
Christmas we hosted for the first time – he didn’t help at all, in fact never once did he ask anyone if they want drinks, pass around appetizers, or anything he just sat there. I made the whole Turkey dinner with fixings, made lasagna and 3 homemade desserts, etc. After the whole day of preparing, cooking, hosting, he didn’t even offer to take the dog out for me that night.
I feel like if you really care for someone and love them you shouldn’t have to ask them to do basic caring things.. he should just do them.
If I didn’t make 95% of our meals we wouldn’t eat. We do occasional take out and on days he is off and I’m working he has cooked a few times. Sometimes we will have leftovers from what I’ve made the night or two before. On weekends when I’m off I’m always the one making us breakfast. He never once has gotten up and made it. He doesn’t typically eat breakfast on his own, even during the week (he’s up at 5 am and out the door at 5:30) But he knows I do and he has never been thoughtful and just made us both breakfast. I’ve made his lunches too because I feel bad he won’t eat during the day – but this too he could get up and make for himself early or make the night before.
I’m tired of leaving the house to go to work, the dishwasher has all clean dishes in it ready to be put away, and I come home and the clean dishes are still in there with the dirty ones in the sink. I can undoubtedly tell you where he is the moment I walk in the door. Laying on the couch with his phone glued to his hands. It’s literally the same position he is in every night I get in from work or anytime I am out and come back home. I could make a bet and win every time that that is where he is going to be.
Anyway; for all that have made it this far – thank you for reading and my question for you is what would you do in this case? Would you call it quits? I can’t see he rest of my life being like this. I don’t feel like I can depend on him. If he is this way now, I can’t even imagine throwing a baby into the mix, just thinking down the road. I can see it all now. I mean he *once* got up in the morning to take the dog out for me and this was after asking him to because I was running late that morning. Besides that I walk the dog day and night. I don’t want to have to ask him to walk the dog. I just want him to do it. I have told him this. I just feel so over every aspect of this. I feel like I’m the only one doing things here and is is really getting tiresome.
TL;DR – bought a house together, were long distance previously, living together has made me doubt this relationship and if it should continue
38 comments
Ah honey. Yep the age old “done by millions” lazy, useless male. They want to marry their mummy, not be in an equal, supportive relationship.
Have you actually communicated all that you put here to him???
Your options?
1. Sit him down and really talk about it. Tell him clearly and firmly, that if he doesn’t shape up? Your relationship is over. Make sure he knows you are not bluffing.
See what happens? Give him 4 or 6 months. See if he actually changes.
If he doesn’t? Be prepared to end it and move on.
2. Just move on right now.
3. Put up with it. Become more and more resentful. End up hating him. End up breaking up anyway… maybe down the track with kids complicating it. A shitshow 10 years from now to look forward to.
What i think? He’s very unlikely to change, even if he says he will? He’ll do it for a while? Then gradually stop and you will be going around in endless cycles for the rest of your life.
This being lazy and not caring about you? IS his basic personality. At his age? It’s unlikely to ever change.
Believe me? Been married 26 years. He showed me before we married what he was really like…. I ignored it. Now here i am trying to work out how to extract myself once the kids are grown up. Its just SO much harder to do once you have your entire life combined and kids involved.
So you leapt from being long distance to buying together without living together to test the waters first?
Firstly you need to communicate. Maybe therapy together. But if this is him at a grown adult at 32, the odds of him changing now are slim
*Leaving aside the mystery of why you didn’t rent together first to see if you were compatible as room-mates….*
This won’t change. This is who he is.
Learn to love it, or bail.
He’s an adult. He knows You do it all and he’s find with it. Talk with him, lest him know this cannot continue, and set up a division of responsibilities. If he doesn’t hold up his end, get the f out because he’s lazy AF.
Ooof, definitely would not recommend going from long distance to buying a house together. You never really know someone until you’ve lived with them and unfortunately it sounds like you might be figuring out that you didn’t know him as well as you thought you did. If you’re to the point where you’re dreading the prospect of putting up with this any longer and theres really no indication that this behavior will ever get better without constant nagging on your part, then yes, it would be totally appropriate to part ways. Live with someone for at least 6 months before deciding if they’re right for you.
Would I call it quits? Or more to the point, how long till I called it quits?
Look, I would have one big come-to-Jesus conversation, and give it a month. If you then don’t like what you see, walk. I think it’s much more likely that very little will happen for long term change, but he deserves a conversation and a chance.
Do be a little bit open as to what you can live without. The painting, or getting you a breakfast which he doesn’t eat – that’s probably a reasonable thing to compromise on. The dishes, the dogwalking… I’d be prepared to gut him after a week of that.
Drop the marriage idea for now. That is far too much pressure and you do not need it.
I mean…is there a reason why you _wouldn’t_ call it quits? You don’t want to marry him, have children with him, or be a mommy to him. What’s left? Being his caretaker or sugar mama?
See a lawyer about what you can do re: the house. Between you and me, buying property with a partner you haven’t ever lived with is an incredibly foolish risk to take.
I’d leave. I have left this exact same type of boyfriend.
Ma’am… does your relationship status say fiancé or ‘bangmaid’.
Apologies for the term, but that’s what he’s treating you as. Someone that cleans the house and free access to sex.
You sound tired. And done. Heck, we only have to read this post and we’re tired and done on your behalf.
If you feel there’s some chance this relationship is salvageable, sit him down and be blunt. Be very, very blunt. Us guys usually do not take hints or passive agressive behaviour. Either he starts pulling his weight, or you break up and the house goes on sale. Or either of you buys the other one out and moves out.
Set a timer on that ultimatum and hold him to it. Hold yourself to it and prepare for and follow through on a breakup.
Hope your financials aren’t mixed up any more than they have to re: mortgage and monthly bills. If they are, especially where credit is concerned: unhook finances, lock down your credit. Have an escape plan ready
You are so lucky to be seeing this with open eyes before tying the knot.
Yes you absolutely could go to couples counseling, talk a lot more, try the Fair Play deck, etc etc
But that would be momming him. That would literally be parenting him into being a grown up. And I doubt it would be very successful.
Like you say – who has to be *asked* to do baseline adulting?? Not a good partner.
“Hey. Can you take a sec and think. What’s the last chore you did for the house? What’s the last act of kindness you’ve done for me?
I’m carrying all chores. I hosted Christmas alone. When I was sick I had to go to my mother’s just to rest; do you realize you didn’t once offer to take anything off my plate?
I’m concerned, and I’m upset. This isn’t how I choose to live. I need you to commit to equal contribution of chores. I need to know that if I am sick you’ll care. **How do you want to manage this?**”
Or simply
“Hey, we never discussed the division of household labor. I didn’t expect it to fall to me. I’m currently doing most of the cleaning, cooking, hosting, etc even when I’m sick. I can’t continue this way and I have to assume that you respect me and also don’t want to continue this way. **How do you want to manage this?**
My gf’s brother is like this. Engaged to a long distance gf and to be married in April. I don’t think she knows what she is getting into. He’s 35 and she’s late 20s. Socially he’s a great guy but domestically he’s like your fiancée. I feel sorry for the woman.
Good luck to you!
Your fiance doesn’t see you as an equal.
You also can’t make someone care. All the couples counseling in the world can’t fix someone who doesn’t care.
Don’t settle for this; you know you deserve better.
I don’t see you standing up for yourself. The most you asked for was him to walk the dog.
Don’t get me wrong, but you have been living with him how long? How has this not come up? “Hey, I cooked so are you cleaning?” “Dude, I literally do all the house chores- I need you to pick up about half of them or this really can’t work long term. I’m cool negotiating which ones.”
Also, Take Christmas as an example. Was he all for the hosting? Was it all your family or a mix? I can’t fathom him just sitting on his arse and you not pulling him aside reminding him of host duties.
Anyway, it sucks you have to do this, but it’s also crazy to have 180 days of this torture and just endure silently!
couples counselling and also tell him straight up, I’m not your mom.
I had a roommate who did this with the dishes. After SEVERAL talks, I came home from work one day and took all of his dirty stuff from the sink and put it on his bed. Started helping with the dishwasher after that.
How long did you live together in the last years you were together before you got engaged?
Leaving would be fair enough. You really are his bangmaid at this point.
This is a “fixable” issue, you’d have to state your expectations and he’d have to be open to them. That can totally happen and can be easier to talk about in therapy. But there’s no guarantee that’s how it will go, there’s a chance he doesn’t want to add chores to his life as a habit.
I’ve lived with a few men over the years, platonic and romantic, and they all have varying degrees of helpful or lazy. But they did all make an effort on their own without me having to ask. I think it is highly unusual that this guy does absolutely nothing!! Changing that would be hard for him because of that imo.
What was he like during the last 8 years? Living alone? Doing all this stuff? I mean you would visit each other right?
All I can say from my experience, my ex was like this if I brought it up and made a.point of saying I couldn’t live like this etc needed help, can’t work full time do all cleaning cooking etc. I’d find he change for a week or two then would skip back into old habits. I even threatened to hire a cleaner as I said it was only fair if both worked same hours (I infact worked more hours as I did overtime most weeks and earnt more even before overtime so my money paid for a lot of holidays, bills rent etc) he was adamant we didn’t need to do that and made effort for a week or two again…..
But everything went back the same. Eventually the resentment will drive u both apart you will get fed up and annoyed and It is unlikely I’m afraid he will change habits people generally find it hard to change if that’s what they are used to. :/ I personally would advise speaking to him and saying you think you should live separately and see his reaction but if your not happy and he isn’t caring towards you maybe he isn’t right for you
Gotta discuss all this with him. Open his eyes, could be he literally doesn’t realize this since he’s never been with someone full time vs living alone.
Discuss, give him a chance/see his reaction. Do this first most before all this, leave him talk. You may have to come to that decision, but it’s not fair to him if he sincerely cares about your feelings and relationship
Yes, call it quits. You’ve given plenty of excellent reasons.
This will never change, unfortunately. My ex-husband did nothing around the house, except for make more of a mess for me to deal with. He didn’t work until 4, so I’d ask for him to just put the dishes away over the 8 hours I would be working, and I’d come home with nothing done. Everything was about him and he didn’t even care when I would share my frustrations explicitly about doing all the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids all night and weekend when he was at work, paying all the bills, and child schedule coordination. He eventually left me for someone else, and I realized a while after he left that it was actually easier to run a single parent household that one with him in it. I am with someone else now (2 years) who takes complete responsibility around the house to the point that he will sit me down with a glass of wine and take care of everything. It is so much better, and I don’t miss my ex at all. No one wants to have to mother their partner, and I highly suggest cutting him loose and finding someone with whom you’re all compatible.
My boyfriend was like this but luckily I spotted it before we got more serious than just being together for four years. We were long distance and he would drive to my parents house every Friday and stay over, when he was here he would do NOTHING, not even make me a drink. This wasn’t just because he was the guest and felt uncomfortable, we went through a phase for a few months where we’d stay at his mums whilst she was away, he still did absolutely NOTHING. I even used to have to prompt him to shower. Our sex life ended up being almost nonexistent as I ended up feeling like I was a parent rather than a girlfriend, I eventually ended things and have found someone who offers to do things for me and doesn’t pester me to do everything and it’s lovely.
Heres something that I posted in reply to someone else a while ago
>His free time, and his ability to ‘chill’, to ‘float through life without thinking about responsibilities’ is based on you doing the mental load, and the physical work of cooking, cleaning, household management, and the emotional load of planning adult conversations about chores again and again and again and again.
>You have to be the sensible one, so that he can be the child. It’s not right, it’s not fair, and **he disrespects you every single day he does not step up** to join you in living adult life.
I don’t know how much of this resonates with you but it feels like a very similar situation….
Please do reevaluate the relationship, especially as you’ve tried talking to him already.
You…you bought a house with someone you have never lived with?
You make his lunch because you’re afraid he won’t eat? Girl, stop acting like this mother. He does these things because you’ve turned into mommy 2.0 and he knows you will do it. I’m in my 40s and it took me way too long to realize that when I start setting that “mommy” precedent, the dude will milk it for all it’s worth. This is also probably why I’m single lol
The guy is in his 30s. You can have a come to Jesus talk with him, but this is years worth of learned behavior. You don’t need this in your life.
Have you communicated any of these concerns? It sounds like there’s a lot of expectations of a general etiquette that he isn’t abiding by but I don’t get a sense that this has been discussed. Maybe he is just a lazy inconsiderate jerk but I’d at least try to state expectations before dumping him.
What does he say when asked about any of these?
For god sake’s, whatever you do, stop babying him. No, you shouldn’t have to ask, but you also don’t need to be a martyr.
I think there may have been a reason you two didn’t try harder to be together sooner, subconscious or not.
If you love him, you should try couples therapy first. But I would say the relationship as it is is untenable
Another thought (devil’s advocate?):
You brought the dog into the relationship. You were previously responsible for 100% of it’s care. Nothing really changed there for you. Was there ever an explicit discussion about splitting dog duties? Any discussions about splitting chores at all?
I’d also like to address a couple times you appear to be overly-accommodating IMO and it is backfiring and causing resentment:
Exhibit A: “This is the bathroom I primarily use because I don’t want to disturb him on his days off in the morning getting up early and getting ready.”
Maybe just use the bathroom with a mirror, and if he gets disturbed whilst sleeping on his day off, first of all: oh well, and secondly: maybe more incentive to put up the other mirror faster now.
Exhibit B: “If I didn’t make 95% of our meals we wouldn’t eat”
This is obviously hyperbole, but how about just calling the bluff. Stop cooking. Cook only when you want to for yourself. Reduces resentment. Take charge of your own actions.
Exhibit C: “On weekends when I’m off I’m always the one making us breakfast. He never once has gotten up and made it. He doesn’t typically eat breakfast on his own”
He doesn’t eat Breakfast. Why would he suddenly start COOKING breakfast? People aren’t mind readers. Please be more direct with what you want and need, and refuse to do anything that will cause you to resent your partner. I’d rather go without Dinner than have my partner hating me cuz they felt forced to cook when I never asked
Hey this is a situation where couples counseling might actually help if you decide you want to fix it instead of jumping ship. Your partner may be fine living in conditions that aren’t up to standards because they don’t realize, like really realize how much it is hurting you. Putting the relationship first is a learned skill. And it is one you are both very out of practice with after 9 years living separate lives. I would talk about putting aside some money and time to work with a therapist together- usually once a month is what they ask so there is time in between to work on skills building. They will recommend romantic activities to reignite the feeling of wanting to care how your partner feels (that really realizing how he is hurting you part) and some activities or games to help re-divide the tasks that are required to have a successful home. Sometimes just talking about what needs to be done, every day is enough to jump start a healthier routine. The person you fell in love with doesn’t want you to feel ignored, but they might not have the skills yet to co-habitate or consider some one else’s needs. It takes time to practice those skills, and space to fail and get it right.
My partner is a smart, handy maintenence technician who fixes minor household problems all day every day at work… it is often super difficult to get him to jump on a task that needs doing at home and I hate nagging too. Our counseling taught us to ask eachother what we needed from the other to help support their role. Our conversations went from, “You never do _______! Even when I beg you to!!!” to “I can see you have a lot on your plate this week. What do you need from me so that you can get _______ accomplished?” Reframing the task as a partnership helps remind your partner that even though putting the bathroom mirror is a them task- you are willing to help support them by taking on extra if it is necessary to offset this inconvenience.
No one teaches us these skills in school and women are often more experienced in giving their emotions consideration and examination. You are feeling vulnerable, ignored, lonely, frustrated, and probably a dozen other fancy words for each of your husband’s one word emotions: mad/sad/bad. He might not really “get it” yet and having a third party help facilitate these conversations can be really helpful. He might never understand how it feels to be nostalgic for a long distance relationship or lonely in the same room with your partner- but he might understand that you are disappointed or unhappy with the way the relationship is going. And even if he isn’t unhappy now, he will at least have some time to work on your happy before it is too late.
I hope you guys can recall the spark that brought you together and find a way to care for eachother and the relationship.
A lot of this is stuff he needs to work on, but some of your “he should just know” expectations are also….not common sense. He’s not going to make you both breakfast on the weekends because he doesn’t eat breakfast, so you can make him make you breakfast on the weekends if it’s that important to you, but you’re going to have to tell him. The biggest red flag was him not knowing to do anything when you were sick, really
“I feel like if you really care for someone and love them you shouldn’t have to ask them to do basic caring things.. he should just do them.”
I get this sentiment, but I think you owe him a conversation about this. Go through this post with him, discuss your division of responsibilities, let him know you will sometimes ask him to do some things, but X Y and Z you expect him to do without asking.
Then give him 2 or 3 months and if there is no change, than it’s not going to work and be glad you aren’t legally married or tied with children yet!
This is such a mundane problem. It’s literally the fight that every couple has at least twice. Divide chores, brush up on your own home improvement know-how, and stop making him breakfast and lunch because that kind of stuff is 100% putting you in the mom zone. He’s an adult and can eat or not eat when he wants to.
What did his place look like when you lived separately?
If it was clean and he did these things when you didn’t live with him, then he is leaving them to you and you should first have a talk with him. Like “I will not be treated this way, where you leave all or almost all of the work to me. You need to pull your weight if you want to continue this relationship. You know what needs doing, so do it.” You may want to be more diplomatic, depending on how you talk to each other, but that should be the gist of it.
After that, if he still doesn’t pull his weight, then there’s not much you can do except walk away.
If he didn’t do these things when he lived separately, then I’m sorry but there probably isn’t much hope for the relationship. He will have to learn, and you will have to do work to get him to learn. Yes, he *can* google it etc, but he won’t, and even if he does it will take time for him to learn and get around to doing these things.
Another possibility if he didn’t do these things before, or if he tried but struggled to keep his place clean etc, is that he may have ADHD. ADHD is not a knowledge problem (though it doesn’t preclude a knowledge problem), it’s a disorder of putting knowledge into action. If he has or may have ADHD, he should get diagnosed and treated. But either way you should not set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Just because someone has ADHD or some other disability doesn’t mean you have to stay. If he has ADHD, he will always have this problem where he cannot get to things in a timely fashion. It can get better, sometimes much better, but it will never be not a problem.
The lack of caring is a separate issue and equally important. If you’ve already talked to him about feeling uncared for, and nothing has changed, then there’s not much you can do. Some people are more thoughtful than others; he can try, but if he doesn’t succeed or otherwise can’t or won’t be what you need in a partner, then you should leave so you can find a match.
OP, I read the whole thing. And nowhere did I read whether or not you sat down and had a discussion with him about your expectations regarding living together. I don’t mean asking him for help in the moment when you’re already frustrated — I mean sitting down together and having a back and forth discussion that is not accusatory about the division of labor.
You are both adults. Take out a notebook, draw a line down the middle of a page with your name on one side and his on the other, and outline the things you each do daily/weekly/monthly. Talk about it. Talk about the things that can be moved from one side to the other. Talk about situations where someone might need to do a little extra, like when one of you isn’t feeling well. Remind him that you are a team.
I do grocery shopping and cooking, because my husband second guesses himself a lot in the kitchen and I genuinely enjoy cooking. That doesn’t mean he won’t go to the store if I’m juggling a bunch of things, or that he won’t throw together a quick chicken noodle soup for me when I’m sick. After we eat dinner, he puts away the food and loads the dishwasher. Some chores we both hate doing, like laundry, floors and bathrooms so we made some compromises: we found an affordable laundry service (unfortunately haven’t found one for our new home), purchased a Roomba that runs in different areas of the house each day, bought a better vacuum that can do hardwood as well as carpet, and all the mopping, spray cleaning and carpet/furniture shampooing gets split between the two of us.
Absolutely NONE of this came about organically. We had to talk to each other to learn how to work together as a team to get things done.
But more importantly, OP — I don’t know if you’re really good at hiding your feelings, but if you are visibly frustrated and he’s not approaching you to talk about it (or if he is, and you are not expressing what’s bothering you), then you have a larger communication problem and you’re burying the lede by just bringing up chores.
My best advice is to get yourselves to a couples counselor. You both need to make time for that. I can honestly say that it saved my marriage, and we’re both better partners for it. Our counselor told us from Day 1 that her job was not to keep us together, but to help us get a neutral view on our issues so that we were in a better educated position to decide whether or not our relationship should continue.
Try to avoid getting to the point where you are so frustrated and fed up that you blurt out an ultimatum, like “if you don’t go to counseling with me, we’re finished.” Take the time to think about and write down some questions, and think about questions that wouldn’t make someone feel like they’re backed into a corner. Normalize check-ins with your partner. “Hey, we’ve been in this house for 6 months now. How are you feeling about things?” Let him respond, acknowledge his response, make sure he knows you heard him, and let him know, *broadly* how you’re feeling. That you’re overwhelmed by your daily tasks, and you feel there is too much on your plate.
I really hope this is helpful.
I don’t know what you should do, BUT: All I keep thinking of is love languages. Yours being of “acts of service” and who knows what your partner’s really is. Not acts of service, that’s for sure.
I am not a doer, I am a talker. Talk of doing, but I’m lazy. I *can* do a lot, though, of course. Totally capable, just don’t wanna, sometimes. A lot of the time. In couples counseling (have gone off/on – it’s helpful if you want to work at the relationship & can afford the expense) we read the Love Languages book as homework. Learned that my partner loves me doing stuff for her without her asking – I’m hearing that from you, for what you’re looking from your partner. Household chores, fixing something, cooking dinner, etc. It’s taken YEARS for me to be the person my partner envisioned marrying. Years. Even when my primary love language is “positive affirmations.” Which you would think would be an easy motivator to get things done around the house. Sooooo, definitely be patient for the long changes to occur. IF you want to stay together. Though, if you’re not in it for the long haul. To grow. TO WORK AT IT. Separately & together. Or if that sounds like too much – you may want to ask for a break?
Firstly, communication will always be helpful versus trying to get your partner to read your mind. Or you, theirs. Confide in your partner about your issues, maybe they don’t see a problem with what’s going on? Blissfully unaware… Then you can express/ask/clarify what you need as an ongoing solution and they can express/clarify/explain their side?? But, if you’re done, c’est la vie. Better to find out now, before marriage.
Good luck on whatever you decide.