Hello all- I recently started dating this guy who messaged me on instagram a couple months ago. I didn’t really give him the time of day, but he was persistent on meeting me and going on a date that one day I relented and responded and we set up a time for around a month ago. Our first date was okay! He and I are quite different – he’s a farmer and I am a student – and we went hiking and grabbed a bite. It was mildly awkward, but we had an activity so nothing too bad. While we were at the restaurant, somehow exchanging anecdotes he told me his non typical lifestyle which he began with his ex girlfriend. I didn’t think much of it as I believed it was relevant to the conversation, though it did cause me a bit of pause for him to bring her up.
After the date, surprisingly, he told me that he loved my energy, thought I was beautiful, and that he would really love to set up another time to meet. So we went on two additional hiking dates, where he began to tell me more and more about his background and his ex girlfriend would come up again and again. To be fair, it wasn’t all he talked about, but asking him almost any question brought the conversation to an involving of his ex. He told me that she used to live with him at his house, they travelled cross country together, she dropped out of school whilst with him … it hurt to be honest .. but I am insecure and am aiming to be more mature so I kept telling myself that this was normal and just a part of his past. She was a big part of his life, and if he were to be honest about his life, his farming lifestyle that he did truly begin with her, talking about her must be permitted. So I privately complained about it to my friends and continued dating.
After those dates, he began to express his love for me, telling me that he wants me to move in with him, and sent me poems and freestyles proclaiming deep love for me. I fell for it. Hard. He asked me to be his girlfriend. I obliged. We facetimed, however, just a few days ago where he began to cry about the demise of his relationship with his ex girlfriend. He told me things ranging from her sending him snap chat photos with a middle finger, that her uncle was her neighbor, and that her family “poisoned” her brain against him and that was the reason for their uncoupling. I had enough. I hung up with him and told him goodbye.
He texted me the next morning that he loved me and construed the situation by saying I was right that his ex girlfriend is just seeking attention as if my problem was her apparent mistreatment and not his obsessive discussion of her. I tried to tell him that and he told me that I am confused and that he is just being open and that I am operating within society’s rigid rules of what’s right and wrong to talk about. I blocked him. He made a new number calling me, and stupidly, I answered and I told him I am not interested in being with someone who’s obsessed with their ex. He urges that he’s not and we spend a lot of time in the phone and almost become comedic about it and I mentioned that I am bisexual later. I tell him again I am not interested and I hang up. He later jokingly texts me if I could be interested in dating him and his ex and I immediately feel so hurt and disrespected – I understand our joking manner – but that was a level too far. I respond, if I had no self respect and he again says what about just me. And i say no please leave me alone.
He then sends me a song where it suggests that he’s over his ex. I think that that is also incredibly insensitive and that next day I just so happened to be going on a date with someone… so I sent him photos of that date and said “Yeah funny song check out these photos of my date..” and he says that I look beautiful and that he doesn’t care because he loves me. I stopped responding. Am I the asshole for reacting in this way? Was he just being open? Did I go too far?
tl:dr boy i’m dating won’t stop talking about his ex. am i being rigid or is he just being open? what to do next? i really like him… but i feel like this is rlly unfair to me
4 comments
NTA
Rule of thumb for the guy:
You dont bring your ex into your subsequent relationships. Its a sign you havent moved on and pretty much taints any potential in future relationships.
I probably wouldve ended it at the beginning when he starting bringing them up
I think you are totally right to trust your instincts. He is not over her, and therefore you should cut him loose. I just read a blog that had a phrase that resonated with me: “We don’t attract toxic people to us, we just let them stay.”
That’s where you are at right now. You know he’s toxic, and you’ve been letting him stay. Cut him loose…its best for both of you.
This guy is a boatload of red flags.
1. He brings up his ex.
2. He moved way too quickly into love, moving in, and grand gestures.
3. You blocked him and he circumvented that block. That shows that he can’t take no for an answer.
4. He shared weird details about his family to make you pity him.
Honestly, this sounds like love bombing. You dodged a major bullet.
I think you are completely justified in breaking up with him. His actions (finding a way to contact you despite blocking him, “joking” about you dating him and his ex) sound very manipulative. Definitely don’t go back to him. Side note though, sending him pics of you and your new date is kind of childish.