My psychologist says this is not cheating. My(20f) boyfriend(21m) says it is.

My(20f) boyfriend(21m) (together 5 years) suggested I post this. For context he says I was feisty but other than this I was the perfect girlfriend for the first 3 years. I went above and beyond especially for how he treated me. He was not a great partner but he always tried and our good moments made me very happy. I was happy to put a lot of stuff in the past for us to work on issues and be great together. He says that the only reason he thought we would ever break up is if I break up with him because he does stupid disrespectful things a lot.

2 years ago (both 18), my boyfriend had pushed me away for a year. He disrespected me a lot and my family. Refused conversation to fix our issues. I had a contraceptive implant that made me depressed for that year, which I had to get emergency surgery for and he never helped me with this. I was lost about what I wanted for my professional future and felt pushed to go to university. For 3-4 months prior to going to university I told my boyfriend “if you cannot be be a better partner for me, how I’ve been for you, we are not going to last and it will lead to us breaking up”.

I went to university and very quickly became depressed and I did things that I wouldn’t usually do. I ate foods I didn’t like, I was friends and hung out with people I didn’t want to etc. My psychologist explains this as an identity crisis, a different person doing things or leaving myself in situations that are not within my scope of personality. My boyfriend was disrespectful a number of times and after the 4 months of him doing nothing or not speaking to me to change or make things better I told him I need a break (very minimal contact) for a week from him to decide if I will break up with him which he had almost no reaction to. At the end of that week I broke up with him over text (this is completely wrong and I have always felt terrible for this but is something I wouldn’t normally do, I’ve never been afraid of confrontation).

2 days later to cheer me up my friend had brought me to a gathering of some people she knew under the premise she would stay with me the whole time. I met a guy and he talked about how he’s going through the same situation and is also heartbroken. None of our conversation flirty. The next day, we kissed. A couple days later I was in the same area as him and went to his accommodation. None of the conversation is flirty and we watch a tv show and we kiss. He raped me that day. I find out later that he had a girlfriend and made everything up in our conversations.

My then ex-boyfriend had been back and forth on if he even wanted to try with me. He very much wanted a conversation, I did too and I went to see him. He still kind of wanted me but I made it clear I couldn’t be with him because of how he was with me. I find out he had already talked to a girl who had been a problem in our past. I was very angry and extremely upset. I left. Not much later, he does a complete 180 on his behavior and gives me a handwritten apology. I let him make it up to me and he is being quite great for 2-3 weeks. He receives a message from the guys girlfriend saying we slept together (for context he immediately laughed this off because this is VERY unlike me – to have done this and to not have been honest with him). He asks me about it and I admit the first encounter (a kiss) and I’m unable to speak about the second encounter. We move on from this but he adamantly views this as cheating. He says because I wasn’t honest and tell him immediately that it is cheating.

2 years later (now together 5 years), we live together now and we deal with similar issues as before we are just slightly more mature. His friend tells him that he has been told I slept with this person. I was visiting my family that week and when I come back and walk through the door he confronts me. As soon as he’s done speaking, I tell him everything I hadn’t told him (seeing the guy a second time) until the rape. I never talk about that I have it locked away I have never dealt with it.

There were 3 weeks of him shouting vile things at me and being so insanely angry and horrible. On a Sunday after an argument something clicked in me, I had felt fake and dishonest and not truly myself and if I didn’t do it now I never would. I went to the police 20 minutes later. The police were the first people I ever told. I felt that if a claim was documented and now in the system I couldn’t lie anymore and I was right. I haven’t lied or been dishonest or hidden anything since. That day I felt traumatized and I felt free at the same time. I told my boyfriend that night I tried many times but couldn’t and I told myself if I didn’t do it now I would feel like I’m not being myself again. I couldn’t say it so wrote him a note saying “he raped me”. He immediately comforted me and then an hour later and the next 2 days he was angry saying the most horrible things a person can say. I felt like I was dying and called my family and told them I need help and that I was raped 2 years ago and they came to get me (we live 4 hours away).

It’s been a month, the rape and guilt is why I have a therapist/psychologist now. My boyfriend didn’t stop saying horrible things to me until a week ago I said “I can’t come to see you and feel safe if this is how you behave”. He wanted me to come back to the apartment alone 4 hours away and he told me he wouldn’t support me and that I would support him and do whatever he wanted. He came to see me the past 3 days and we have talked, he calmed down and has not been rude. He has not supported me and 100% believes this is cheating. He said that when the situation happened it wasn’t cheating but that because I lied or wasn’t honest that it was. He doesn’t understand why I lied about anything. My therapist says this is a normal reaction for sexual abuse. I did understand how he felt it was cheating and he kind of made me believe sometimes that I am just a cheater. My therapist says that lying about it doesn’t make it cheating especially since we weren’t together, it just means that I lied.

I had an aim to keep this very short but did not go as planned lol. If you have any advice that would be lovely but I also want to know, do you think this is cheating?

Tldr; Boyfriend pushed me away for a year. For 4 months told him I couldn’t put up with it and if this continues we would break up. I broke up with him. I had an identity crisis. 2 days later I met someone who lied and made it seem we were bonding about going through the same thing (no flirting). We kissed. Saw him again a few days later. He raped me. I was never able to talk about it. Boyfriend asked if I slept with him. I told him about the kiss the first time I met him. I couldn’t talk about the second time and the rape. We got back together. 2 years later boyfriend confronts me and I admit to a second time seeing him but never speak about the rape. For 3 weeks he is quite verbally abusive. I can’t take lying anymore and go to the police. I tell my boyfriend that night. He is not supportive and my parents come to help me. He believes this is cheating, not because I did it, but because I was not honest. Am I a cheater?