So I (25f) have been dating Josh (25m) for about 3 years, well after josh started talking to a friend Alyssa (26f) he started talking about sleeping with other people (like one night stands and stuff). But the problem is he barely pays attention to me as it is and I think this would only make our intimacy problems worse.
We do have set boundaries, but I still don’t feel okay with it and I don’t want to give Alyssa any ammo (she most definitely has feelings for Josh) so how do I tell him that I don’t think it’s a good idea without it being able to be twisted to sound like I’m the crazy insecure girlfriend?
Update: he doesn’t want an open relationship and there’s no way he’s sleeping with other people (we live and work together)
43 comments
If you don’t want an open relationship, don’t date someone that wants an open relationship. Open relationships do NOT fix relationship problems.
He wants to be single. Just break up with him.
Why are you dating someone who isn’t monogamous when you are?
You’re focusing on the wrong thing here. Your focus should be on ending the relationship. You’re asking things to remain status quo (which I’d agree with no other context). But status quo is being in a relationship where he pays no attention to you and you have intimacy problems that have never been addressed.
It’s either address them and work on your relationship, or walk away. Simply saying no to opening your relationship doesn’t fix the problem, and to be clear you should absolutely say no. Good luck.
Telling your boyfriend that you want a monogamous relationship does not make you sound like a crazy insecure girlfriend.
Sounds like he’s already sleeping with other people but now wants your sign off to ease his guilt
You just say point blank . ‘I am only interested in monogamy, If that’s not what you want , then I’m ending the relationship/
Bluntly, directly, honestly.
You don’t have to be rude or critical, just firmly state what you are saying here.
“I’m feeling neglected in our relationship.” “I am not comfortable with either of us sleeping with other people.” “Being exclusive is a hard boundary for me.” Don’t apologize or state things halfway.
If he can’t accept that he should leave, but this way you give him a clear choice with clear consequences and avoid “leading him on.”
He wants to cheat on you and he’s “asking” to give him permission to do it.
…*he started talking about sleeping with other people (like one night stands and stuff)*
*…he doesn’t want an open relationship*
What one is it? Let me guess, he wants to sleep with other people, but not open up relationship on your end.
Girl if you’re afraid to talk about this your relationship is over. Relationships aren’t relationships without communication.
You are in denial. He doesn’t want an open relationship. He is not willing to share you. He just wants to sleep with Alyssa. He is just trying to find a way to.
>he started talking about sleeping with other people (like one night stands and stuff).
>he doesn’t want an open relationship
Do you even hear yourself OP? Those statements can’t both be true at the same time.
You say, “No.”
Ummmm he doesn’t respect you for even bringing that up. Why stay with him? Just because he may not act on it now don’t be surprised if and when he does. What is gonna happen with this Alyssa chick? Is he cutting her off?
If he wants to sleep with others and you are not okay with that, then looks like you have no choice but to leave.
“I don’t agree to an open relationship. If you continue sleeping with her, I will not continue this relationship with you.”
If he is suggesting sleeping with other people, that’s an open relationship. If you don’t want it, tell him that. If he doesn’t agree, then its time to break up, you aren’t compatible. Which, if he’s not paying attention to you, you should probably do anyway. Sleeping with others won’t fix it.
Don’t do it. Move on and leave. It’s not worth it. Understand that you have worth and value as a young women. If there was ever a time to find a real, serious relationship, now is it. The man you want will cherish you and care for you and want you!
Don’t wast valuable time. You got this. It will be hard because of how long you’ve been together. Make sure you schedule time with a theripist to discuss your self-worth and how you view yourself.
All the best!
If you want to sleep with other people then that’s your business to do so, but know that we are done once you do that. Shrug and continue doing what you were doing.
I don’t think you need to tiptoe around it, if he wants to sleep with other people he can but he’ll be single. Simple enough
Girl you can’t be serious?? How is it crazy to literally just not want your bf to fuck other people?? Has he honestly gaslit you that much??
What do you mean how do you tell him? You wrote it out in your title.
“I don’t think sleeping with other people is a good idea.”
If he disagrees, you break up.
You leave.
Listen to everyone. It’s Time to break up. If he wants to sleep with others that means he’s checking out of the relationship. I regret so much that I didn’t dump my boyfriend of three or four years when he came to me and wanted to take a shot at a co-worker of mine who was drop dead gorgeous. It was surgically enhanced. she had a butt lift and a breast job but it turned her into bikini model and she used it very much to her advantage. Needless to say he went Gaga the first time he saw her. I should have just dumped his ass then. He begged me to be able to sleep with her. granted I don’t think she would have slept with him anyway but the point is he wanted to stray. he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me cuz he wanted to go screw somebody else. We broke up either 6 months or 18 months later I can’t remember which year it happened in our relationship but it was towards the end. So one of you needs to move out of your place whether it’s you or him. Whoever’s place it was originally should stay the other person needs to leave. As for working together you’ll get through that eventually it always look for another job or hopefully he will.
I had to scroll up to check your age. I think I need to leave this sub.
He doesn’t want a open relationship, he wants you to say it is ok for him to have one night stands, and be able to sleep with whoever he wants, while you remain monogamous.
Don’t let him fool you.
If he didn’t really want that, then he wouldn’t have said anything to you at all.
Also I think it is time to tell him to cut Alyssa off as a friend and go NC. She sounds like a toxic person, suggesting he open his relationship. Knowing it is not what you want. But if he does then she gets to have sex with him. Which then gives her the ammo you were talking about.
Girl don’t be naïve. He wants to sleep with other people.
Let me guess: he doesn’t want an open relationship FOR YOU. He wants to have ONS while you stay at home.
Dump him.
>But the problem is he barely pays attention to me as it is and I think this would only make our intimacy problems worse.
There are bigger issues at play here. If he doesn’t pay much attention to you, *and* has started talking your ear off about non-monogamy when you want a monogamous relationship… What do you think will change for the better? If nothing changed, would you be happy with that for the rest of your life?
Dump his unrespectful ass.
I also don’t believe him when he says he’s not sleeping with other people. Please get checked
Copy the last 11 words of the title, paste into a message to him, hit send.
1. You guys are having intimacy issues.
2. He doesn’t pay enough attention to you.
3. He wants to spend more time and attention and intimacy on other people.
OP he’s just not that into you. Ignore what he says. Look at his actions.
Oh honey if he really didn’t want to sleep with her he would have shut her down and blocked her if she continued with her shit. Don’t be naive. Get your stuff together so when you find out he is cheating with her you will be ready to leave.
Saying no does not make you crazy or insecure.
The general rule is when you are in a relationship with someone you are choosing to only be with them. The only exception to this is when you are non-monogomous, but this is usually talked about and agreed upon before you get into a serious relationship.
If you are not ok with him sleeping with someone else, that is totally fair. And if he is not cool with that, tough shit. And if he continues to bug you about it after you said no, you should consider breaking up with him.
>the problem is he barely pays attention to me as it is
You have bigger problems than him wanting to sleep with other people that should be addressed well, well in advance of this – though it’s only a symptom of the wider problem.
>We do have set boundaries, but I still don’t feel okay with it and I don’t want to give Alyssa any ammo (she most definitely has feelings for Josh)
So hang on – Josh has spoken to her, has feelings for him and _he_ is the one talking about sleeping with other people? You can see how this is looking, right?
>so how do I tell him that I don’t think it’s a good idea without it being able to be twisted to sound like I’m the crazy insecure girlfriend?
You tell him – “Josh, neither of us sleeping with anyone else, kissing anyone else, holding hands with anyone else, period. You want to do these things, we are done, you can go do whatever you like then”.
But being real here? You shouldn’t _need_ to say this anyway – you aren’t crazy, insecure or otherwise because couples _don’t sleep with other people_ unless they both discuss it in detail and both agree to go ahead with it.
I would be 100% clear with him, like goddamn purest crystal glass, that this isn’t happening. If he isn’t already aware, make him that Alyssa clearly has feelings for him and there is an absolute need for him to be on the understanding that they aren’t sleeping together unless you and he aren’t together and you aren’t alright with any extra-relational intimacy or otherwise.
You both need to get your relationship sorted and straight – have date nights, speak with each other, have quality time and acts of service, understand each others needs/wants and y’know actually be in a happy relationship and wherever it is that you feel he’s lacking, work on it together.
He’s asking for permission to cheat.
If you want your relationship to survive, you need to nip this in the bud and have him cut Alyssa off.
> so how do I tell him that I don’t think it’s a good idea without it being able to be twisted to sound like I’m the crazy insecure girlfriend?
I get why you want to outmaneuver her and play the game right and come out on top, but if you and your guy are a team, you **can** just address this shit head on. You can, as a team, not play this game, and address what the fuck to do about Alyssa and her trying to convince him to sleep with other people (and even go so far as to say, she obviously means **her**).
You’re not in the courtship phase of your relationship, you’re in the secure together phase where you can (or should be able to) talk about this stuff. Right now she’s not a friend to your relationship, and she’s making herself into a threat to it.
Ew he wants to openly cheat on you. Run girl.
But it does sound like he wants an open relationship if he wants other people involved for sex. How do you know they haven’t slept together already? Dump him
He wants to sleep with Alyssa.
You just say “we should not sleep with other people, our relationship is exclusive.” That’s miles away from “crazy insecure girlfriend.” If someone tried to make you feel crazy and insecure because of this, that someone was an AH.
Just tell him to make Alyssa his gf and block him
So, basically, he wants to sleep with Alyssa with your permission.
If he’s already not paying attention to you and now asking you to approve him sleeping with another woman, why on *earth* would you want to stay with him?
Girl, he wants to bang Alyssa and wanted your permission and when you didn’t agree right away he claimed he didn’t actually want it to avoid getting in trouble.