We have a 12 year old daughter. Our daughter can be very snippy with me, more so than him. He doesn’t do well with turmoil, and our house is normally very calm and mellow. Last night, we were arguing over her homework. She asked me for help, then refused to listen to anything and started yelling at me. I told her to watch her mouth and to leave me alone if she doesn’t want to listen. She went to her bedroom.
Anyway, he freaked out and came downstairs and called her back downstairs. Told her that if she doesn’t start treating me better, he’s leaving both of us and moving out.
I know he’s not going anywhere. We have had many conversations that he can’t just throw out “he’s leaving, he’s getting divorced” at every single time he’s not getting his way. He always promises not to say it, but it’s like he can’t control himself.
Anyway, our daughter was hysterically crying and had an anxiety attack that her “Daddy would leave her.”
I will talk with him later, and he will sincerely apologize to her and then feel really guilty about his behavior. It’s a repetitive circle.
How do I get this to stop? It’s like when he’s angry, no reasoning will occur. It’s like that part of his brain shut off. Especially because he’s going to feel really guilty for a couple of weeks about telling our daughter he will leave her.
14 comments
He needs to see a counselor about his anger management issues. If he can’t control his temper how can he expect his child to? If you’ve already sorted the issue why is he further weighing in on it?
Also why is he divorcing you because he’s mad at her? Like that makes no sense.
Talk to your families.
Are you close to his family ?
This is abusive and needs to stop.
He’s the narcissist, as it is all about him and his comfort lt is a way of control and manipulation
I had a wife like that always threatening to leave , until I called her on it. We did end up getting divorced.
Your poor daughter. If this isn’t handled, you’re setting her up for needing a lot of therapy.
He’s giving your daughter a complex she will carry with her the rest of her life. You need to make it clear to him that he needs to take actionable steps to change like getting therapy or your marriage is over.
Tell him it has to stop now or he will really need to leave next time. If he does it again, kick him out. Why he does it is irrelevant, your daughter is basically being made to feel disposable by her father and that in itself is emotional and verbal abuse.
your daughter is already scarred from this i can guarantee you. my mom was like your husband. i just hope you’ll see you and your daughters worth and leave. absolutely ridiculous to stay with someone who would threaten to abandon your child in front of her face.
That’s a great way to create serious attachment issues.
I had a parent who would do this but for more minor issues. Eventually you grow up believing they will leave so you never allow an attachment to grow so it’ll hurt less if/when they decide to go.
As an adult I’m very ok with not seeing them as I never allowed myself to feel any real attachment to their presence. I’m honestly shocked that they’re still around because I genuinely believed they would leave by now after threatening it so much.
This is all anecdotal of course, but maybe you can warn your husband of the very real consequences of saying what he does.
Edit: And yes, this carried on into my adult relationships lol.
He gave your daughter the fear of abandonment. This has been an ongoing thing, how did you let this go on for 12 years?
I would have let him leave and not taken him back after the 3rd or 4th time.
Honestly, if my husband had said that to our son, he wouldn’t have to leave because I would have taken our son and left him.
It’s a shitty thing to say to you, it’s an incredibly awful thing for him to say to his child. A child. A child who should feel like both her parents love her unconditionally. He is putting conditions on his love for her. That will impact her for the rest of her life.
He needs to do something about his anger, and I strongly reccomend getting your daughter in therapy to deal with the emotions around feeling like her own father doesn’t always love her.
If you continue to allow him to do this to her, you’re enabling an abusive father, and that’s just as bad as being abusive yourself.
If it was me. I would NOT say a word and I would pack up mine and my daughters clothes etc for 3-5 days and we would go stay in a Hotel. No message, no contact, no anything. At the end of this stay I would ask how he liked being alone? Then I would say do it again you will have to learn to live with it.
I used to do something similar. (no yelling and it was mostly when it we were having an intense argument) Not quite like this, but when my husband and I were arguing I’d ask if he’d want me to leave. It was a fear of being abandoned and a lot of therapy had to go into it. I’m going to bet that your daughter is going to have the same issues.
Is your husband in therapy? If not then he needs it. If he refuses to go, take him at his word when he uses it next time. Words have consequences and he might need that reminder. Leave the house for a bit if you really want the lesson to sink in.
One of the best marriage advice that I got was, “don’t say you’ll leave in the middle of an argument.”
This is emotional abuse! He needs to understand that and go to counseling!!