Shit, this is going to be long.
Me (21F) and my boyfriend (22m) have been together for 3,5 years. It’s a high-school love, he had relationships before, for me he’s my first love. It all came together, before we started dating we’ve known each other almost 2 years, and started to build a strong friendship 2 months before our first date. It was like a movie, stayed up all night, we spoke everyday on phone, it was like we’re meant to be together, he felt like my other half: our mind worked the same, we could communicate, etc. He finally asked me out, and we’ve been together since the first date.
I feel you need to know, what’s he’s like, to fully understand the end. He has been always the center of the room, always with friends, always cheesy with girls, got them whipped around his finger, it was in his nature (he was a heartthrob). After he was out of high school he started to feel unwell because of the lack of relationships with others, uni wasn’t like high school anymore, where they were so tight with classmates and friends.
Before I got out high school too, Covid begun. Because of the restrictions, we stayed together for weeks. I got home for a few days, then went back to him for a week or so. There was not much thing to do together (watched series, played games, cooked), but we constantly felt the need to be together. Our parents always said we are together too much, and we’re gonna get bored. Of course we didn’t listen to them. It was all lovey-dovey, sure we had big fights, but we forgot the next day, we drove each other crazy, but loved each other dearly. We were constantly annoying each other, but in the end we were so smitten my face hurt from the smiling.
It was all okay until I had to face mental health issues. I began to question myself, our relationship, if he’s the one I want, and if yes, why do I have thoughts about some other men, and thinking what it would be like to be with them. I didn’t know it was normal, and that it doesn’t mean that I don’t love him. After a year or so, with the help of medication and friends finally I was okay (I had other issues as well).
Then it started over with him. He left uni, and tried to figure out what to do with himself, when he finally found passion in a thing that requires him to be alone, constantly. As I said before, he’s the kind of person who needs others to be around them, many people, many friends to feel happy, to feel alive. He started to face depression, panic attacks, and I tried to help him. At one point I realized, he almost goes through the same I went to. He began questioning his feelings for me, if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He feels like he’s too young to commit, but cannot imagine his life without me, cannot imagine having children if I’m not their mother. However, we are constantly facing downs, no ups. He’s unhappy in our current relationship.
I’m on 130%, alaways changing and meeting his needs, he even said it’s not fair to me, and he feels like shit for hurting me. Some of the problems he has constantly: my love language is physical touch, I love to be as close as possible. I might made the mistake that I didn’t realize it wasn’t like that for him, and I suffocated him. I tried to take back, I don’t do it anymore (he said he noticed I don’t do it), even though when I’m around he’s constantly afraid that I’m going to touch him and suffocate him even more. He felt cold towards me the previous days, he even said that he feels a weight lifted off his chest when I go home. He doesn’t like being with me anymore, doesn’t feel the need, meeting with me is on his ‘to do list’, and when we end up meeting, he feels he can finally tick it out from his to do list. He says we’ve been together too much just not doing anything (no quality time, just bored in quarantine), that he relates boreness with me. He also thinks the grass might be greener, he says he’s a man and has the need to be with others, but he’d never cheat on me and constantly feels guilt of having thoughts like this. He feels like he can’t be himself (him being like I explained at the thop), because he doesn’t feel roght to be cheesy with others.
And because he feels guilty he can’t feel good around others (I had the same problem, I didn’t feel good in company because I was afraid of my feelings towards others). I think most of the problems come from him being alone, and not being around other people, and if I’m almost the only one he meets, of course he’s gonna get enough of me.
I love him, I truly do, and he says he loves me too, in fact he said that’s why he can’t leave me, because he’s never loved anyone like this before and afraid of losing me. But this status is hurting me so bad, me waiting for him to decide. I feel like we’re meant to be, there’s no other men out there like him, nobody understands me the way he does and vica versa, but I can’t control his decision, so I’m just waiting for him to break my heart.
We loved each other for so long, and I feel we still do (but maybe it’s just the memories for him). He says he doesn’t feel ups in our relationships now, it hasn’t had joy for him for so long (this is the state for almost one year now). He is constantly debating with himself if he should breakup with me or not, and whenever he tried to (2 times, one in last Februar, one in December) we got back together 2 hours later, because he couldn’t imagine not talking with me, not loving and being with me. But after one or two weeks later, he feels unhappy again.
Yesterday we decided that we should take a 2 weeks long break, we won’t talk to each other, we won’t write, won’t call, won’t meet, and after the 2 weeks we’ll meet and see where we at. We certainly not seeing other people, I think it might be good for us. But I keep thinking about the things he said yesterday (him not liking me around him), and it’s driving me crazy.
If you have any advice (if there’s a future ahead of us, or if it’s common in ltr-s) or experience related to this I’m happy to read.
TL;DR: he feels like he loves me but he’s unhappy in our current relationship, and doesn’t know if he should stay or not
p.s.: sorry for my english, if something’s not clear, feel free to ask
3 comments
Give yourself a chance to find another romance. This guy is not for you. Go for the Breakup later. It is not stable.
Sometimes relationships aren’t meant to be anything but a life experience. And it sounds like this one has run its course. Both of you are young, and both of you are having these thoughts that you aren’t ready to be tied down to someone. And that is fine. Sometimes, relationships just grow until they stop growing. I left who I thought was my soul mate about half a year ago now for basically the same reason. We’re actually still best friends and completely platonic, and I’ve actually met someone now better suited to my needs and love language. You don’t want to be with someone who feels like being around you is a to-do list. You should want someone who wants to spend time with you.
But can you imagine how amazing it’d be to find someone caring who just can’t get enough touch as well? Cuddle for hours, hug you repeatedly and often while you cook or do chores, help you with what you need. This is just one aspect you’ve described that’s literally sitting there and could be improved.
You say you’ve changed a lot for him and maybe some of those changes were things you’d have done for yourself anyway. But I’d wager quite a few you didn’t need to change at all and in some ways you’re great just as you are. Look for someone who you can really feel appreciates you. He doesn’t have to long every single thing about you.