I (34F) met a guy (37M) about a year ago – he was my AirBnB host when I first moved to the city. We got along amazingly right away – the first time he came to drop something off, we ended up talking for two hours. I was attracted to him but because he was kind of my landlord, I didn’t try to pursue anything.
He and I kept in touch and hung out a few times over the last year. He’s been divorced for two years and his ex and his kid live in my home country. We went out three weeks ago and had another amazing night and he kissed me at the end of it.
I didn’t hear from him for a week and a half and then he asked me out to dinner. We had dinner this past Saturday and it was fantastic, but when he dropped me off, he didn’t kiss me. However, he asked me out for another date for Wednesday (tonight).
We went out tonight and had one of the best dates I’ve ever had. We went to a place that’s like a local fair – had dinner, played games, went to a haunted house. The night was full of laughter and joking and flirting.
When he dropped me off – again, no kiss.
I’m starting to get really confused and wondering if this is something I can ask him about and if so, how do I do it?
We are both leaving for trips next Friday and then on May 15, I’m moving to another country but it’s only an hour flight and I’ll be splitting my time between here and there. He knows all this.
So what do I do?
Edit: I asked him what’s up and he said that he loves spending time with me but isn’t looking for a relationship and thinks casual things aren’t good for anyone so there’s my answer. He said he’d be lying if he said he didn’t think about it. I told him I did too but am happy to hang out as friends.
13 comments
If you wanted a kiss, why didn’t you ask/offer to kiss him?
From what you described, the lack of a kiss that you seemingly wanted is 100% on you.
Maybe he’s holding back because he knows what’s to come and is afraid to get attached but still wants to spend time with you before he leaves. I’ve noticed that some men who are interested deliberately wait to kiss to show their interested in long term. He already kissed you once but maybe he’s thinking of that. It’s hard to tell so I’d suggest lightly bringing up what he would want things to look like when you move. Questions to ask might be: Does he travel a lot? Has he had a long distance relationship before or what are his views on that? What kind of relationship is he interested in this point of his life, just fun or serious to marriage? What are you looking for? Are you ok with these things or have you done long distance before? Some men can think in a logical and practical situation so much that it overtakes any emotional thoughts
I’m sorry OP but I find posts like this so frustrating
if you want to kiss, go for a kiss. if you expect the guy to make the move then good luck but I know how stressful it can be as a guy to have to decide if the time/feeling is right or not
You enjoy his time but aren’t interested – you cannot say no as you have the FOMO. You failed to communicate with him after (and I’ll quote) an “amazing night”… so you had to wait a week and a half to be asked out again. There was every chance that he may have ghosted you. No contact after the first kiss? Maybe he worried you didn’t enjoy the kiss.
Not to mention with the situation of you moving to another country (even a short flight away, and the one his ex and kid live in of all places) and him being divorced, there is no urgency for him to try to make this something formal. He sounds very honourable with not wanting to use you before you go.
You had two dates of opportunities to go in for the kiss… but you failed to. He has been making all the moves… if you wanted him you need to hit on him hard. You are in the friend zone as your original relationship was strictly professional as host landlord and tenant. As he respects that setup, you have to break him out of that.
Then you burnt the last bridge of hope… he said he has thought of something sexual with you… and your response was ditto and you are okay hanging out as friends? Ride the guy already! lol There is only so much chasing this guy can do before it becomes abuse, if you like him in the way of a partner, you need to desire him back.
If you like him solely as a friend then that is okay too… but forget the concept of being able to travel on the weekend or move back if you have feelings for him… as soon as you take that flight, guy is moving on. Chances are by the time you think you had made a big mistake, he has a girlfriend.
Sounds like you already got the answer to why he wasnt making a move
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for future dating, I can give my experience. In todays world, its hard to navigate what is okay when dating early on and what can make a woman feel uncomfortable.
I met a girl through OLD. Told her I wasnt looking to rush into anything and just wanted to find out if we were compatible as people. First date, no kiss. Second date, hand holding, walking through the park with coffee. No kiss. Third date was very impromptu, a quick lunch as both or schedules freed up. I wanted to kiss her, but ultimately decided to wait until a “better time” a more “romantic time” for our first kiss.
She messaged me after, asked why I didnt kiss her, then broke it off saying this isnt what she was looking for.
TL:DR, its hard to know when its okay to make a move these days.
This is kind of off from your original question but I’m curious how much contact you had between dates? Phone calls, daily text?
I’ve found that I’ve been contacting too much between dates and I’m wondering what is a good amount that obviously still keeps someone wanting more.
I’d say for the future maybe be as direct as possible.
I think nowadays with people being so unsure of how to proceed in new dating situations it’s actually a lot better to be super candid and say what’s on your mind.
I’ve always hated the unwritten rules of dating and nuance in reading signals and all that.
I feel like this guy kinda waste your time. I wonder at what time during all this hanging out was he decided on not pursuing anything serious OR casual. I mean what was the point then?
Not to say you guys can’t just hang out but I think there needed to be a clearer understanding before you got to this point.
OP, I think from this post you may have realised that reddit is not that useful in these kind of situations. Lots of commenters are just waiting for a chance to say to women “make the first move” or “don’t wait around”. However, you correctly read his body language that he didn’t want to kiss you. I’ve been in this exact situation before. I’m more than capable of going in for the kiss but I can tell when someone isn’t keen.
I’m sorry that it didn’t work out but I wouldn’t change anything about your dating approach. Your instinct was completely right.
why didn’t you go in for the kiss? why must you wait for him?
Sounds to me like he just needs time. A divorce is very emotionally draining. Keep doing what you’re doing, keep the interest known (but don’t pry), and most importantly, have patience. He’ll come around when he’s ready and you being there for him and showing support will help him move forward faster.
Bad breath?
Maybe you are biased about the date?
Maybe does want to do LTR?
Where do you find a haunted house this time of year?
Any time I don’t hear from someone for over 48hrs it means they arent interested and it will fizzle soon. Tested the theory every time and it always comes true.
I don’t believe in the ‘he’s scared’ etc shit. Men and women attracted to someone don’t leave them alone for long.