My wife and I (both 30s f) have a great relationship.
One rub – she sleeps a lot longer than me on holidays. I like to watch movies on holidays cos I don’t have time to watch them normally. She also likes to watch movies on holidays.
She gets upset if I watch movies without her.
It’s 3 pm and we are starting our first movie.
Should I just watch them without her? She has told me that partners did this in the past and it made her very upset and feel rejected.
I just want to watch some movies!
Tl:dr
My wife wants me to watch every movie I watch with her but she sleeps too much for me to get to watch movies when I want to.
25 comments
There just has to be some films you want to see that she does not. Perhaps a different genre or something nostalgic only to you.
It is unreasonable to think you will never see films without her. Sure, maybe not specific ones that she is excited for (or just big budget movies perhaps) but there are tons of movies that she cannot care if she views it with you on your second watch.
Worst case.. frame your solo-viewing time as you screening movies so she doesn’t have to sit through bad ones.
I legit do this for my wife. I naturally watch more than her anyway.
Are there movies or shows you like but she doesn’t? I feel like watching those is the natural solution.
Omg. Lol. My husband is the exact same way!!! Since covid, I’ve been working from home. That TV is on Netflix, Hulu, etc.all day. I just dont say a word anymore. Lol. If I do find something that I know he’ll like, I’ll turn it off and say “I found a movie I started watching but turned it off because I know you’ll like it.” That’s happened at least a hundred times. It might work for you. Just watch what you can without her. It’s not the end of the world and not a battlefield to die on (when lying through your teeth!!) Carry-on, fellow partner in this crazy movie watching debacle!!
> Should I just watch them without her?
Yep. Tell her you’re going to start watching movies at 10am, with or without her.
> She has told me that partners did this in the past
Obviously. This is like noting that other partners went to the bathroom without her. Not surprising! Normal!
> and it made her very upset and feel rejected.
This is not your problem to solve. She needs to learn how to regulate her own emotions.
I would just talk to her and tell her that it’s annoying that she falls asleep while you want to watch a movie, or she should take a nap beforehand, or go to bed earlier.
She also can’t do this every time, there are going to be things you guys are going to do solo whether she likes it or not.
Like some have said, tell her when you’re going to start watching. Then, she can decide if she is going to join you or not.
If you give her a list for the day, maybe make sure you know which ones she most wants to watch (even though I know you said she wants to watch all but surely she has a preference for some)… and ensure that you are watching those later in the day during her peak time when she will definitely be awake.
Explain to her again that you are not able to enjoy them during your regular schedule and you really like to pack them in – just like she might like to sleep or enjoy another hobby more during a holiday…. and that watching a movie without her is not a reflection of not loving her…. and that, while you will do your best to include her, it is natural for you both to have a couple of things that you don’t do together.
She may just be a shared experience /quality time person… or issues from the past relationships may be sticking with her. If she won’t let go of this and is upset you start without her after you give her a start time, ask her how it felt when past boyfriends didn’t include her in watching movies. When she shares, really listen to the feelings. Don’t put them down – no matter how ridiculous they seem. And, then try to reassure her in words and actions about those feelings.
It is kinda a silly problem and easily solvable with simple communication. Just explain exactly what you said here, that her sleeping leaves less time for movies. Find a compromise where she picks the movies that she wants to watch with you and you can choose from the rest.
Be a bit empathetic to her feelings, even though they feel silly to you and she will most likely respond positively.
I was the wife in a very similar situation. I didn’t throw a fit or tell my husband I felt rejected, but it was more of a FOMO from my end.
My husband has made some concessions i.e. if there is something I really want to watch, he will wait, but mostly I had to have a come to Jesus with myself that 1) I don’t generally have as much time as he does to watch shows or movies and 2) sometimes there’s are things I would rather do more (like sleep for your wife.)
It is not fair for me to dictate how he spends his alone time if I am choosing to do something different than watch movies. If she truly does not care which movie you watch, then surely she should let go of caring if you watch something without her. In the age of streaming media, there will always be a surplus of entertainment and things to watch together. Other comments are right – this is something she needs to work on and let go of.
Just want to offer a little insight, because I am one of those wives who tends to fall asleep during a movie:
It’s not about the movie. She doesn’t give a crap about the movie. She wants you. Your time, your presence and the safety she feels curled up at night watching one with you. For me, and I imagine for a lot of other women, it’s a time in the evening to feel connected just being next to you. When you do it without bothering to get her, it’s like saying that time isn’t worth to you what it’s worth to her.
And the falling asleep part? That is because when she’s spending that time with you and feels warm and safe, she’s comfortable enough that it makes her sleepy. We tend to have a lot on our brains most of the time, so if you can make her feel that way, take it as a compliment. If she wasn’t content and happy spending time with you she’d not care about that movie! I mean all of this in the best way possible, it sounds like she loves you, even if she’s not expressing it properly.
Edit: I think I misinterpreted what OP meant – if she actually doesn’t want you watching anything because she wants to sleep elsewhere that seems a bit unreasonable. She could at the very least let you know which ones she’d like to watch together, and you could have a list of stuff you watch that she isn’t interested in? There needs to be some give and take there, you aren’t always going to have the same free time to watch! Sorry for the misunderstanding, OP.
Ask her why it makes her upset. Ask her which movies she wants to watch with you and plan a time to watch them. Ask her to find out her issue with why this bothers her. Do you spend time with her other than when she’s about to fall asleep?for most women it’s not about the activity, it’s about the time and effort and being thought of in advance.
It sounds like a crazy thing to get upset about, but usually when people think we’re crazy for feeling a certain way, there’s a bigger underlying issue.
Her not allowing you to watch a movie without her by your side is extreme.
I could understand her side if you were doing it on purpose, but that’s not the case, you wanna watch movies at a certain time, and that’s okay.
Make a separate login and just watch stuff then delete it when you’re done.
Watch em without her how she gonna know
She will NEVER change. Get use to it. People don’t change. You have to do whatever you want in secret.
How about this. You and your spouse are watching a Netflix series together. After 5 episodes you both agree to stop watching. So you go change the oil on her truck and do her honey do list. While you are doing that, she continues watching the Netflix show and finishes 4 more episodes, and the end of the series. When you sit down with her to watch the ending she informs you she already finished the series and now you are in Limbo and realize you married a Netflix Cheater.
The pain is REAL 😆😆😆😆
Have you spoke with her about this? Like in a calm, non attacking manner?
Dude watch your movie.
Dude watch your movie.
I have the same issue with my boyfriend. You’re going to have to get her to agree to let you watch some movies without her while she’s sleeping. It’s simply not fair to you. Is there any particular genre that you’re into that she’s not? Can you agree that you won’t watch specific movies without her, but others are on the table?
In my relationship, I’m the guilty party of this. I want to watch something, but I’m so tired all the time that I just fall asleep to my wife’s annoyance. Tell her to have a cup of coffee before you start something, that way she’ll stay awake. Usually that’s what I do and it usually works.
Just watch them. She’ll either have to be upset or set an alarm and wake up
She’s being ridiculous. I’m not saying it doesn’t come from somewhere; I’m sure it does. But it is insane to want you to not watch any movies without her.
Don’t watch movies she’s SUPER excited about without her. And don’t be a dick if you are rewatching a movie she is seeing for the first time. But otherwise, like someone else said, you can be a screener for movies to see that she gets good (or so-bad-it’s-good) ones. She cannot regulate on your life in this way; it is not reasonable.
“Hey Babe, I know we have different things that we like to do on holidays. I totally respect that you want to get some extra sleep in and that you’d prefer I not watch movies without you. But holidays are made special for me when I can watch a bunch of movies. How can we compromise? I could show you my list of movies I want to see and you could choose the ones you want to watch? Or…what would make it so I can do something I love and you would feel better about it?”
Watch it without her, and then when she goes to watch the movie….go hang with the boys. Don’t be simp my man, she’ll lose respect for you over time if you put her on a pedestal all the time.
She doesn’t have the right to dictyour time when she’s sleep. If you agree on a movie, then don’t watch those. Anything else if fair game and it’s emotional blackmail to say she feels rejected over something so trivial. If she is struggling, she needs to see a therapist, but you deserve to enjoy your holiday also.
I think this is just silly. Having said that I don’t think you should just dismiss her. I think it might be better to talk with her about why she feels rejected. I mean even that is silly. If your wife has such a low opinion of herself that she feels rejected by that action, she needs to examine that.