how do i (f29) tell my bf (27) that i don’t want to talk every day? and that he’s a little overbearing?
i’ve been dating this guy for several months, he really likes me and i like him but i’m trying to focus on my degree. so i told him we can date exclusively but i don’t want to have the pressure of [what i have experienced] a relationship to be. as i need to focus in my last year.
he doesn’t have many friends here as he’s moved here from abroad and lives with his sibling + his siblings partner) so his social time is spent with me if it’s not other members of his family.
he wants to call every day on the days we don’t see each other and i find it a bit much, but when i mention it he gets upset and i feel bad.
i’m generally not a big group socialiser and i’ve been to events on my own as i enjoy my own company sometimes.
in general i meet friends 1-on-1 as i don’t have a big friendship group apart from an ethno-cultural one who get together sometimes.
he gets jealous if i don’t invite him out to every meeting with my friends and also god forbid i take a weekend trip up somewhere to visit a friend without inviting him! i just want a bit of room to breathe and recharge.. he’s very extroverted so i can imagine how not knowing many people here is not ideal for him.
but i don’t want him enveloping every area of my life, i really feel like he’s stepping on my toes.
i really care about him but i feel suffocated. what could also play a role is that: his ex cheated on him – so he admitted when we started dating that he called to make sure i don’t do the same while he’s away. as i said i didn’t want a bf he admitted he did this in the beginning.
now i *think* he does it because he wants to chat every day with someone and doesn’t know too many people. and because he needs more contact he sometimes says i’m selfish or that he’s just convenient for me and claims that i don’t care about him 🙁 i do, i just need to see my friends and family and study too! i’m happy supporting and listening to him with any issues he has, buy him meaningful gifts and go out together but i don’t think i can give him all the time and attention he wants. i’m spreading myself thin already.
any ideas on what i could do?
3 comments
You two aren’t compatible. He wants more time with you, while you need time from him.
My boyfriend and I haven’t spent more than a day apart since we started dating 4 years ago. And this is what we want in a relationship. You need someone who doesn’t want to spend as much time with you
It sounds like you two are on very different pages and as though you *want* to like him more than you actually do like him. I think you should make a clean break and focus on the life and goals that you’re excited about. It’s not your job to entertain this dude. He’ll figure it out I’m sure.
Let him read this post.
Its what you need to explain to him. Top to bottom, a well thought out and explained reasoning.
If you two are going to work, you’re going to need to be able to have these type of discussions.
Communicating on how the reletionship needs structured so you can exist in it comfortably. Its a piece of your foundation.
The results of this will show if the reletionship is functional or not.
If he listens and adapts to what you need. Great, things are looking promising. You’re working together to build a reletionship that fits.
If he can’t handle your request and it results in a conflict… well, you have your answer on compatibility. You spoke your piece and it was impossible to get through. At least you did your part in making an attempt for it.
This literally is about understanding your partner fundamentally. Either you do or you don’t. Chemistry isn’t everything. You need to be able to fit with each-other.