My (28F) boyfriend (34M) and I made a big step on Friday. We have been dating since the begin of February. We had full unprotected sex, that I’d never ever had in my life before then. I told him how vulnerable I felt as a result, and explained how I was opening up. He said “I love you” but I didn’t say it back.
But today he hurt my feelings. We had plans to see each other. He told me he’s feeling sick, and I said we could cancel our plans and that I will take care of him. I offered to come over and cook dinner and then leave. And he said no to both. He said he didn’t like being cared for when he’s not at his strongest and feeling vulnerable, and when he can’t engage with me.
And this really hurt my feelings because I made the most vulnerable step of my life with him recently.
I’m super upset at him about this. But am I overreacting and unreasonable here.
TL;DR: boyfriend cancelled our Sunday date because he felt unwell, because he doesn’t like to feel vulnerable. This I made myself vulnerable and we had unprotected sex for the first time. I’m super upset, but am I out of order?
8 comments
Just because you were ready to be vulnerable doesn’t mean he’s required to be. I don’t think it’s fair to be angry at him
Let’s turn this around. Say he got sick before the unprotected sex and did let you care for him. Would that mean you owed him matching vulnerability and he would have been right to be angry at you for not being ready for unprotected sex yet?
We all have to move at our own pace, and accept others where they are
And if you weren’t ready to have unprotected sex, don’t. Please use birth control
Bit of an over reaction, some people like to be cared for when sick & others want people to stay away. Don’t take it personally.
I think you need a therapist to work on self-confidence. There’s some weird tones in your post.
Why would you risk having a baby with someone you’ve been dating for less than two months? Someone you can’t even say you love? That doesn’t make you vulnerable. That makes you stupid.
It reads like you’re trying to prove something or push too quickly for some reason. I don’t know why but I think you should talk it out with a professional.
So I think you’re feeling something powerful and you should try to identify what.
It sounds like maybe you want more reassurance/sense of closeness from your boyfriend about the sex you had?
No one is obliged to have their SO over when they’re sick, I think you would agree!
So figure out what he CAN do for you (asides from having you over when he doesn’t want that). Even if it’s just having a good conversation about it.
Are you at all concerned he might be seeing someone else?
Last night I stayed at my boyfriends house. I got violently ill from what i assume was food poisoning from my lunch for about an hour in his bathroom. He came to the door checking on me, leaving water and asking if I wanted pepto. I just wanted to be alone and said as much. I still loved him and was appreciative of the help but somethings shouldn’t be a shared experience. We only get a two nights together a week and I’m sure he was disappointed that I didn’t feel like cuddling or having sex but he respected that boundary when I rejected his kisses (for obvious reasons). Boundaries in relationships are healthy OP and your need to see him or care for him shouldn’t out weigh his wants.
Yes, you’re overreacting. When someone is sick and you’re offering to help them, you need to listen to what they ask for. Some people just want to be alone while they’re sick, and that isn’t an indictment on how they feel about you.
Also, he said “I love you” and you didn’t say it back. Was that not him being vulnerable with his emotions…?
He’s sick! He wants to lie on his couch in his underwear and watch tv or sleep. He doesn’t want to have to be “on”. Give him a break
I would not take this personally. However – why are you banging someone raw that you barely know? It hasn’t even been 2 months? Have you two been tested? It takes 3 plus months for some STDs to show up in blood.
I really think this is all too fast. Be careful.