We’ve been dating for 11 months now, we’re both very happy with each other and she even wants to be engaged to me. I’ve known from very early on in the relationship that I’m her first boyfriend (past relationships never lasted more than 3-4 months), and I didn’t think much of it. I told her recently that I realized we hadn’t talked about our pasts much after asking her about a past relationship she had, and she got a little weird about it and also said she doesn’t think the past is relevant to now. While I do think we shouldn’t judge someone based on their past, she later mentioned that I have a right to know after we talked later about the awkwardness of the earlier conversation. I told her I’m happy to discuss anything she might have questions about me, and she said she would open up to me about her past when she feels more comfortable.
I just can’t help but feel that this is super strange that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her past yet after being together for 11 months, spending holidays with each other and talking all the time.
For additional context, she did mention she used to struggle with low self esteem. She didn’t have a father in her life either, so maybe that is part of it. She also mentioned that if we had met earlier on in life we probably wouldn’t have lasted – no idea how to interpret this.
Any advice from the community? Any thoughts on what could possibly be there? Appreciate the insights.
tl;dr my girlfriend got weird on the topic of past relationships and said she needs time to be able to open up to me about her past
16 comments
I wouldn’t pressure her about that man, let her tell you in her own time if she wants to. Focus on your relationship.
Sounds like her past is something she’s not proud of or insecure about telling you about. Let her bring it up. Dont pressure her to tell you. It’s gotta be on her own terms that she brings it up.
Why do you need to know? What does it add to the relationship?
Why does the past matter? Sounds like she is working through some trauma. I’d be a supportive boyfriend and focus on the future.
Why do you care so much?
Nvm, looked at your post history. Start working on your insecurity.
The best thing you can do is just let her open up to you if or when she’s ready and be fully prepared to never know about it. It may not be easy, but put your trust in her and let her know it’s okay if she doesn’t want to talk about it. If she does eventually feel comfortable talking about it, it will be an incredible moment of bonding between the 2 of you
>she doesn’t think the past is relevant to now.
she’s correct
Why do you care? It adds nothing to your relationship. If she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing, you should respect that. You will need to figure out how to resolve your issues around not knowing, and determine if it’s a dealbreaker or not.
Buddy let’s be honest here. She doesn’t have a father figure, said y’all wouldn’t have gotten far in the past, and you are also her first boyfriend despite her likely being active sexually/romantically for at least the last 8-10 years if not more. This is basically every promiscuous stereotype put together.
It’s very likely she has a high partner count or extensive sexual history. I don’t understand other posters here, you have a right to know her history to at least some degree. The past is not the past, and sexual histories + the way you view sex are incredibly important factors in moving forward.
My advice is you still have to let her be the one to tell you, otherwise if you pressure it out of her then she will likely either lie or omit parts. Or try and find out by judging through her friends, social circles, etc. although this is also only a partial image. Just understand that you shouldn’t ask questions that you don’t want the answer to.
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years (married for 7 of those) and we still haven’t had the “past relationships” discussion. It’s just not that important to either of us, I guess. I don’t know if we ever will have that discussion – maybe when we’re 80 and PIV sex is a long distant memory, we might reminisce, who knows. I would ask yourself why it is so important to you?
Both my spouse and I have specifically stated that we probably would not have done well together had we met before we did. We were in our 30s when we met. We both had failed relationships but we both had other things in our backgrounds that we hadn’t worked through yet that prevented us from being good partners to anyone.
None of the things that would have prevented us from being successful with each other had anything to do with body count. I’ve never asked him for a number and he’s never asked mine.
It doesn’t necessarily need to be a red flag. When I was her age, it was still hard for me to discuss my past with new partners. Many of my girlfriends struggled with the same. It was one of the cool parts of my early 30s because that’s how we realized we were finally dating our “people” when we felt comfortable opening up and it was easy to do so. So while I understand why you’d feel a little suspicious or curious, I’m going to encourage you to try to avoid speculation and instead try to have one more conversation. I think the way you approach the discussion will make a big difference.
Here’s what id tell an employee if they were asking my opinion as the office mom: Having a series of brief relationships in a woman’s early 20s can be more hurtful than men realize sometimes. It hurts to open yourself up and then have it all be for nothing only a few months later. At 27, she might still be struggling to know herself. And when you’re going through a series of brief relationships on top of that it can super contribute to feeling as though there is something secretly wrong with you that you can’t see. You start to get this paranoia that you can’t be yourself to be desirable, or like you have to keep parts of yourself hidden. When you hit that first real, serious, committed relationship after that, it can take a while to truly settle in and feel comfortable. (And this often has *nothing* to do w/ the partner, btw. It’s about trusting our ability to trust ourselves when we feel safe. It felt safe in those earlier relationships and they still ended.) I think it’s very possible that the issue here is that she’s still a little scared to show all of herself to you. She might be so in love that a part of her is nervous that she’ll lose you if you know about things previous guys didn’t like. And again, it doesn’t necessarily have to be something truly bad. (Ex: I had a guy stop seeing me because he was put off by my being a sports fan so then I felt like maybe guys didn’t like it and hid liking sports for a while.) But if she’s had a series of short relationships where she felt hurt, it’s sorta like she’s waiting for a shoe to drop.
Please also understand that it’s sadly very common for abusive partners to treat you just fine until they learn about past abuse. It’s almost like they feel entitled to get to do the same to you if another man “got” to do it first. So if that’s ever happened to her or a friend, she may very well be scared that something good could turn bad.
So, how do you fix it? How do you have a convo about opening up without making her feel attacked or like you’re prying? Easy! You’re going to work on being more affirming. You’re going to be vocal about all the things you love about her. My partner made a real point to highlight how he finds so many of the things past partners didn’t like about me sexy as hell. For every voice in her head telling her “he might not like this…” you’re going to counter with two “hell yes I love that, baby girl!” She needs some reassurance and confidence, she needs to feel safe. Then she’ll be more comfortable opening up.
Then lay off. It’s really that simple. She’ll open up on that subject when and if she wants too.
You already mentioned that this might be “relationship killing”; better ready yourself somehow because it sounds like you can’t shake this.
The manosphere warned women not to be promiscuous but they never listen.
Just like women are allowed to be promiscuous, men are also allowed to choose to be or not to be with this same woman.
She feels that way because she knows you won’t be comfortable with her past.
Sounds like she used to sleep around.
I would like to know if a girl I am dating has cheated on her previous boyfriends before we get into relationship.