TL;DR: Had a falling out with a friend and I want some distance, but not to cut her off, however her being an abuser is kind of dealbreaker. She doesn’t know that I know she abused her ex-boyfriend, so I’m not sure how to proceed. I seem really petty to be breaking up with her for a fight, but…
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Like the title says, I was staying with her in another country and my period came on, my anxiety flared up like crazy as all my plans fell through. The weather was terrible. I know I. struggle with anxiety so I packed a lot of anti-anxiety medication to get through the trip. But her and my other friend kept pressuring me to fulfill what I had promised them — that we would go out and be together a lot. But I just couldn’t. I was really down in the dumps and honestly just wanted to curl up somewhere and listen to music (oh and my headphones stopped working too so I couldn’t filter reality and dissociate).
The situation is quite long so I won’t go into details, but I had some panic attacks during the trip and my friend kept dismissing that, or only engaging to make me feel guilty because I wasn’t spending time with her. Instead of working with me through it, she brought a friend (who I’d never met) along, expecting me to always be hanging out with them. I have social anxiety. I can’t just be with someone I don’t know for long periods of time, it stresses me out badly. Not to mention I was on the verge of a burnout (which finally ended up happening. I burned out due to overwhelm with work, friend problems and a codependent friendship). Anyways, during the time I stayed with her she did make an effort but she inevitably ended up yelling at me and cursing me out, crying her eyes out and blaming me for making the trip insufferable. Believe me when I tell you I felt guilty af for not being there for her and having as much fun as I promised I would… but I really really couldn’t ignore my anxiety, it was too much to function. I expected her to be understanding but instead she was pushy and manipulative. She blamed me for things that had happened years ago which had nothing to do with her … just a very annoying “and btw, when I took your side I actually didn’t”. It was honestly pathetic. I never expected her to be like this.
I obviously didn’t like being yelled at and I got out of that trip legit afraid of her. she texted me once I got back home to ask for her boyfriend’s shirt back, which we’d packed by accident and I told her yeah no problem, it’s here, she said she’d send a cab to get it because it was super important to her and I said ok. But my friend who travelled with me slept over at my house and got out in the morning and took the shirt with him, so by the time she texted me to send a cab for the shirt I actually didn’t have the shirt with me and I apologized but tried to fix it. She said “it’s always like this, you never care about anyone else but yourself, it’s always you you you and fuck the others”. She told me not to bother since I was so incompetent and selfish… Lady, I got back two days before a concert, I had work to do, obviously a tshirt is not comparable to doing my job… Anyway…
Reddit, I would like to be on speaking terms with this person since we have friends in common, and being in a group with her is okay. The thing is I absolutely don’t want to go back to being her close friend. She hurt me too much.
But the things is, the real reason I don’t want to go back is because her ex boyfriend contacted me after their break up and told me she abused him. I have evidence of text messages where he details the abuse that happened. She doesn’t know that I know. Disconnecting from her over our quibble seems selfish and stupid and like I can’t take a fight, from her perspective, but from my perspective I just don’t want to be involved with an abuser.
She asked if we could meet up and talk. I told her yes but I’m honestly not sure what to expect. How should I handle this? Should I tell her why I’m distancing myself fully or should I just move on and cut ties? I understand this was a past relationship, but the way she yelled at me honestly felt abusive and I felt super small and anxious and afraid of her afterwards. I’m scared she might do it again and I absolutely don’t need that kind of energy in my life.