F30, I am feeling down lately. I am separated from my husband. He has put me through a lot of mess through out our relationship and I have been loyal, sacrificed so much for him and got nothing but lies and deceives. But since being separated I have not been the best wife. I have slept with four men and one I’m kinda dating now. He says he’s in love with me and I like him alot but this situation is not right. I am in the process of divorce (so plz don’t ask) but I feel so shitty. I used to be so mad at my husband for the things he did to me but now I’m a terrible wife. If it wasn’t for me cheating, I probably would have considered working out with my husband. I love him but am not in love with him. I would only consider it because we are married and clearly we both don’t want to start over. I also want to divorce even more because I have betrayed him. I’m so confused and lost. Idc if my husband cheated and honestly would be relieved if he did only because I would feel less guilt. Idk I know I sound selfish. But my issue is I won’t pray about this because I’m still dating the other guy and still sleeping with him. I feel like god won’t help or forgive me if I continue to do the same sin. Idk I never thought I would be so stupid like this. Should I pray, should I leave my husband or should I continue with the man I am dating (btw yes he knows I’m married).
9 comments
> But since being separated I have not been the best wife. I have slept with four men and one I’m kinda dating now.
There is nothing bad about sleeping with other people when you are legally separated.
> I used to be so mad at my husband for the things he did
You still should be mad, if what he did is all true, what you have done changes nothing of those feelings.
Do yourself a favor and look up “sunk cost fallacy”. Sometimes the best path forward is a path that is separate from what you’ve done before.
Learn from your mistakes and move on… You’ve already seen what you don’t want in a marriage now look for what you do want in a marriage and build on that for the next one
You are married but legally seperated. Unless you live in an At Fault state within the USA, you should not feel guilty about having sex with, or dating, other people.
I can’t speak to your religious guilt, but ultimately I’m sure your religion asks you to find peace, happiness and acceptance in your situation and that’s where you can take solace in.
Stop beating yourself up!!! Before you continue to pursue any relationship become honest with yourself – who do you want to spend the rest of your life with??
My experience is love is a choice, we fall in and out of love- a commitment is a choice that we don’t fall in and out of so easily.
Not here to cast judgment as I have been in your very exact situation ; my ex and I did fall into a divorce as he wasn’t willing to change- oh that pain was so hard, I’ve heard people compare it to death and wow it is definitely very comparable.
Take time to pray, take time to talk to your husband and no matter which direction you go, take time to heal, to forgive all before moving on.
I am remarried today and wished I’d taken more time to heal and forgive before moving on.
You are obviously going through doubt of what relationship you should be in and you mentioned that you didn’t want to start over- so maybe this is your heart telling you that you are still in love with your husband and not ready to move on.
Best of luck to you- there is forgiveness and reconciling possibilities still available but you must talk to your husband and not avoid because of your guilty feelings. Seek counseling if needed and see how it goes.
I can speak to the religious aspect of it since my ex wife and I both had to navigate our Christian faith as we were divorcing.
From a spiritual standpoint I would say that it doesn’t help to avoid prayer. God already knows so you might as well talk to Him. We can’t really hide (see the story of Adam and Eve when they tried to hide, or Jonah). Also im not accusing you of cheating for what you did during the separation. But I will say that my ex, who cheated on me during the marriage before separation, avoided prayer because she was ashamed and it was ultimate just even worse for her. She had more shame and got herself in deeper than if she had just faced up and prayer (to a God who loves, has already forgiven, and doesn’t judge her, anyway!). Even while I was pissed at her, I still cared about her (not in love, just as a person) and I hated seeing her avoid her faith and simultaneously beat herself up for doing so, spiraling further into shame.
I’ve been told by a marriage counsellor that separating isn’t divorce & up until the point the divorce paper is served, you’re still married to your partner.
If both agreed you are definitely going separate ways, I don’t think what you did should bother you but it should cos you are not loving who you’ve become.
Lack of time to process your divorce, You were coping how best you think but clearly not the best way.
At this point, I’d suggest leaving your lover & give yourself time to process things including your guilt.
You’ll definitely need therapy to guide you & genuinely supportive friends & family.
Stay strong
Honestly, you probably need to stop dating and hooking up for 6or 12 months. You need to work on healing yourself and growing from your marriage that didn’t make it. I don’t judge anyone that seeks love and affection. We all need it and I’m guessing your marriage never filled that need… a therapist can help you heal and be a stronger, healthier person j. Your next relationship. Good luck!
> I have slept with four men and one I’m kinda dating now.
Well, this marriage is O V E R.
Time to divorce you both have some growing up to do.