Preface- I don’t put much on Reddit but in need of some unbiased opinions and advice. Without airing out the dirty laundry, I’ll try and ask an unloaded question.
We’ve been in a happy and healthy LTR for 3.5 yrs and now engaged. We are extremely compatible in all areas except parenting and have concluded that we are different that way and that’s ok.
I have 23 and 21 yr olds out on their own. She 25, 20 and 18 yr olds. 20 and 18 still at home with 18 y/o wrapping up senior year. All kids normal and able bodied.
Both of us have successful careers, eyes on future retirement and living life’s second half to it fullest.
Is your first and most important priority doing all thats best to support and nurture a happy and healthy relationship or is it putting what you think is best for your grown children as top priority? Or should they carry equal weight?
14 comments
Kids are all grown, it’s your time now. They won’t ever learn to be capable if you baby them too long.
I’m not sure what the question is? Why can’t you do both?
The kids arent kids any more. They’re, maybe bar one, adults. They’re not going to take up all your time like children do. Your partner isnt going to take up all your time either.
It doesn’t matter what Reddit thinks. I think if you don’t agree on this, you shouldn’t get married.
You two need to talk about the practical realities of how this would play out. Kids living at home forever? Giving them continued financial support? Sacrificing things like retirement travel to help them with a house down payment, Free child care for Grandkids?
You need to have a shared vision of what the future will look like.
For me, the relationship with my SO is the priority, but other people view that differently.
You need to get that settled between the two of you and be on the same page or you’re going to have trouble down the road.
My kids are grown 33 ^ 31, we help when we want to, but this is OUR TIME again and we are loving it. Not doing anything because of them would cause us great resentment, so we help when we want to.
Kids are grown up.
Send them off and live your lives, while you can enjoy them.
Don’t pay off their weddings, don’t give down payments for cars or apartments.
Politely tell them it’s time for them to spread their wings.
The 18 and the 20 year old can count on you two until they finish their bachelors.
I’m going to go in a limp here, since this is the majority of the posts:
They live under your roof and they are your adult roommates. So they have to do chores, clean up after themselves and don’t fall behind in classes, in exchange for them living there rent-free. And they have to abide by whichever rule you two set. And a rule has to be a rule if one of you wants it. This is non-negotiable. One no is enough. Set your hard lines. Also, people who pay the bills, imo, trump people who don’t pay the bills. And whoever doesn’t like it, they can move out so that the adults who pay the bills can live their lives. Also, no adults should go out of their way to help said kids, especially in a way it violates the partner’s feelings.
The “kids” have two more parents that have to also take responsibility. If no other parents exist, then sorry, though luck.
But you two should not make your life about your offsprings. It’s unfair to you.
What’s the question? Should you care only about the kids or only about your SO? Why not both? Isn’t that what a family is, caring about all at once? If it’s about finances, your grown children are grown. They should be able to live on their own. If they ask for a little money for pg&e or some groceries, that’s fine. But like, buying them a new car? No. Take that money and take your wife somewhere on a vacation. The only child that you should be real responsible for still is the one still in school. Once they go on and go to school, get a job etc. show them how to be an adult. And afterwards open a bottle of wine and say “honey we did good today” and love each other.
Should be able to do both. However, if you’re trying to imply that her helping her kids secure their future is affecting your relationship in a negative way, I’d say you need to reevaluate your reasoning. Especially in this economy.
It depends on where the issues are. Financial or time? I would say if one of you wishes to spoil their children and lavish money on them and the other doesn’t, as long as it doesn’t effect the household bills or future retirement money, the it shouldn’t be an issue.
If it’s the amount of time one spouse wants to spend with their children then that’s a different story since effects the other spouse. This would require some deep discussion and compromise on both sides.
No matter what the problem is, maybe you two should live together longer and work out these issues before you actually get married
My children will always be my priority. A man who wanted me to choose something that would hurt my children is not compatible with me.
Is mnt it about you now? I mean they have their own lives now. It doesn’t mean your stop parenting… that never ends!
Agree with the rest. But if this is about supporting your children while they go to college, I don’t think supporting them is that strange. A lot of parents pay for their children’s bills during college. As long as you can afford it of course.
That being said, do you have shared finances? Maybe one shared bank account to pay household bills and then having your own money in your own account is better? So you can both spend however you want?
My kid will always be a priority and the main one on that. I expect the same in my partner.
I also do not coparent with my partner. I coparent with my son’s father. Likewise, I stay the fuck out of my partner’s relationship with his kids unless I am asked. If I don’t like the attention that is being paid, or felt slighted by the attention paid to one’s child, I would check myself.
Thanks all. I guess I should elaborate a little.
Where the issue lies is. SO 25 y/o has stood me up/burned me on several fronts over past 3.5 years. I’ve repeatedly asked SO to put a stop to this behavior. As of 5 days ago 25y/o assured me he would have a mess of his cleaned up from house/garage that me and SO are getting ready to sell to buy one of our own to start fresh. Is is her primary residence. I have a primary as well (to be a rental income for us) and another rental property.
Anyway- 25 y/o again burned me by cleaning out what was of value to him and leaving the trash for me. This is the forth time in as many years that he has intentionally put more work on me by standing me up. I’ve asked repeatedly that it be made clear to 25 y/o that this behavior is not allowed. That falls on deaf ears and actions suggest to me that it’s more of a priority to condone, accept and even justify 25 y/o poor behavior than to clearly help 25 y/o understand that that behavior is not allowed.
I feel less of a priority and unequal. Am I victimizing myself? My boundaries not being violated???????