Basically any time there is conflict with someone — real or imagined — my body goes into panic mode and I find it difficult to focus on anything else.
The conflict can be with roommates, the person I’m dating or someone at work. It can be about very small things.
It also affects who I date because I only end up staying long term with extremely passive people.
And yes, it stems from my childhood and how I was raised.
Any advice on how to become more comfortable with conflict?
7 comments
A couple of things have made me more comfortable with conflict.
1. Understand that people do not do things intentionally to mess with you. They do things for their own selfish or lazy reasons. Maybe this will help you not internalize these conflicts as personally directed affronts – they’re really not about you at all.
2. You can’t control how people act, you can only control how you react. Stop worrying about things that you can’t change, it’s ultimately futile to pay attention to those things.
3. These reactions to small things may be the “final straw” on top of other stressors or past traumas in your life. If you feel like you’re living on the edge, you probably should see a therapist and try to work some of it out with them.
Raised the same way.
You need to understand you have an inherent value and are just as important in any of those mentioned situations.
I’ve had to yell at roommates, who I then took out for coffee so we could “make up”, and it improved our relationship.
I’ve had to yell at co-workers who were antagonizing me, only for us to hug it out later and realize that we were both just frustrated and needed to express it.
Conflict is uncomfortable but you will naturally find yourself in those situations even if you are reasonable and try to respect boundaries.
You are not obligated to treat everyone the same way. People are running on varied wavelengths. As long as you provide them with a basic level of respect and try to be a better listener every day.
It’s natural to have a jolt when your brain goes into fight or flight mode.
But, it sounds like you’re going into fight or flight mode in circumstances that aren’t appropriate. Feeling awkward in a heated discussion is normal. Feeling panicked is not.
There isn’t a magic bullet for this problem. It will take therapy and work to unravel. A bunch of goofballs on the internet can’t solve it on your behalf.
Best of luck, friend. I hope you find the change you seek đź’•
Conflict that arises in a civilized manner shouldn’t provoke anxiety and is actually good to deal with. It becomes problematic when one side can’t discuss their issues without letting their emotions run wild. Avoiding conflict isn’t actually the solution. Since you can’t control what the other person will do you can only control how you react to it. It comes down to being comfortable with people not always agreeing with you. Watch what happens to you physiologically when conflict arises. Notice your heart racing and the anxiety that builds up. Realize all that is happening is a disagreement between people and you are not in danger (most of the time). Breathwork can help you with grounding yourself for when these situations arise
I know how you feel, brother. Whenever a conflict occurs I used to get really apprehensive and anxious.
But, I remember one day which changed my perspective on conflict. At the time I was supporting my wife through medical school, so every dollar counted.
My boss had told me that if I hit certain metrics then I’d get a bonus. I’d put in a lot of work to hit those metrics and I did. During my annual review, though, he told me that our CEO had said we wouldn’t have any bonuses that year.
I felt the wave of heat and fear and anxiety. Then I centered around why I needed to be in that conflict. I’m supporting this amazing woman who is working day-and-night to become a doctor. That bonus money was going to help me treat her to special things which she deserves given the hellscape that med school is.
So I stood up for myself and told him that he’d promised me the was on him to figure out. So he got our VP and explained the situation. He approved the bonus.
And I realized, conflict is worth it when it is something actually important to me. And, since then, I’ve had no issues getting into conflicts when it comes to things that really matter.
Otherwise, if it doesn’t matter, there is no value in getting into that conflict.
Good luck, brother!
In general meditation daily will prepare you to handle any turbulence in your life even 2 20 minute sessions a day make a big difference….it’s something I’m trying to incorporate as a daily habit
Breathing techniques are underrated as well even special forces are taught “box breathing” (Google it) to help deal with stressful situations
Stoicism
I had to do Assertiveness Training for my profession, and it was a total game changer. It’s basically dealing with conflict in a way that advocates for positive outcomes for everyone.