I met my BF almost a year ago and i was swept off my feet. He was overly sweet and gentle, and we quickly fell in love. He said he wanted kids and a family and I found that really attractive.
However we’ve had some problems. I confronted my BF because he booked a 3 week vacation and didn’t tell me.
He argued that I’m actually causing the problem because I’m very secretive.
So now he kinda wants to know where I am all the time, even down to what grocery store.
He also started showing up at the gym during the times he knows I would be there.
He said that I should be staying at home and cooking for him because he worked so hard in grad school.
I don’t really know how to explain things. Ive tried to tell him that some things hurt my feelings and he says “this conversation is over” and will leave unless i make him food and dote on him.
I’m feeling very confused
Tl;Dr bf says I’m secretive, but I’m not ..
40 comments
He’s saying that as an excuse to be controlling. He shouldn’t be tracking your every move and showing up at places to check on you. He also doesn’t sound very empathetic or caring about how you feel about things.
I’d take a step back and rethink if the image you had of this guy in your head from the start is lining up with the reality of how he’s treating you.
Lol you can’t tell love from exploitation. He fundamentally doesn’t see you as an equal partner. Responsibilty is what you have not him.
Leave him while you can.
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You had a concern that he booked a 3 week vacation without telling you (were you invited? Who’s he going with?)- and instead of addressing your concern he tried deflecting it back to you that you’re the problem, not his actions that you had a concern with.
He’s controlling you by tracking your movements, and he clearly doesn’t trust you. People who don’t deserve to be trusted have the hardest time trusting others- in other words, he assumes you’re cheating or doing other things along those lines because he’s doing it. That’s how people who do things like this justify it to themselves, they assume everyone thinks and does as they do. Deflecting is his “go to”, and it probably has a track record of working well to manipulate you.
*He said that I should be staying at home and cooking for him because he worked so hard in grad school.*
He’s a misogynist who doesn’t see you as his equal- all you are to him is chattel, there to make dinner, have sex with him, dote on him, and make babies. What you want /think / feel will never truly matter to him unless it’s exactly inline with what he wants you to think/feel/etc. He’s literally told you who he is- and it will get worse. Next he’ll start alienating you from friends/family, he’ll continue to try to break your self esteem, and before long you’ll have to cancel your gym membership because he’s going to accuse you of going to the gym to meet other men.
That’s called gaslighting.
Do not have children with this man
Sounds awful and your last paragraph sounds like he’s unwilling to change. “You’re too secretive” is a red flag, but
> he booked a 3 week vacation and didn’t tell me. He argued that I’m actually causing the problem…
> He said that I should be staying at home and cooking for him because he worked so hard in grad school.
These are red highway signs. The second is massively chauvinistic and controlling. The former is … just idiotic?? unless you might share some detail that makes either part at all reasonable.
I personally don’t get enough vacation days for a 3-week vacation. I need to carefully plan going somewhere for a week, and then not take a sick day for 5 months to have the PTO to take it. If I’m planning a vacation with someone every detail is important; it’s also really meaningful cause that’s my PTO! That’s what I spend all year earning! Obviously don’t know if you’re in a profession where you have more blocks of free time but come on— you need to be involved in that kind of decision.
Firstly you were love bombed. He immediately became the person you needed and fitted his words to your needs.
His actions build in expectations and guilt if you don’t conform to his wishes. “look at all I have done for you”.”can’t you do just this one thing for me?”.
He is clearly stating that he follows you and now wants you not to go out and work, to reward him for working hard. Q. What about your rewards for working hard? Do you get equal rewards?
Blame shifting – you are hurting him by not doing what he wants you to do. Guilt tripping you into complying.
Disregarding your feelings, he won’t listen to you or try to understand, then wants you to perform and worship him and blames you for it again.
You know what the key phrase is “I’m feeling confused” which is what you feel when dealing with a person who gaslights you, blame shifts on you and emotionally manipulates you into thinking it is your fault somehow if you are sad or angry or whatever.
Because you are rational and not crazy your brain is saying “hold up” and yet your feelings are saying “well I feel sad, so something must be wrong”. But the sadness is because he wants you kept off centre, reacting to you emotionally, moving the goalposts constantly.
This is absolutely a toxic relationship.
[test for healthy relationship](https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look) if you are not sure then look at the quiz at the end of this link, relationships should be about trust, honesty, respect, communication and this one isn’t any of these things.
You: “Why didn’t you tell me you’re going on a 3 week vacation”
Him: “actually you’re the problem”
No. He’s crazy. You should run
He acted perfect at the beginning, so that later he could act like an asshole and you would tell yourself, “I can’t leave him, he’s perfect!”
He’s just an asshole. You’re the one choosing to be with an asshole. Just leave.
Is this relationship working for you? It doesn’t sound like it is.
You need someone that treats you like an equal not a maid. Please dump him and run.
Age gap – He is controlling! You are now seeing the real him!!
Red flags are waving!!
So you got love bombed by a controlling older man and then he secretly booked a vacation but gaslit you about really being the secretive one? this is the opening behavior to him escalating abuse.
Find your exit. This is not going to end well.
He’s a controlling jerk. Leave and don’t look back. You can definitely do better.
that sounds like control or he is insecure.
either he deals with it or you move on.
You know he’s unreasonable. He wants to control you, and him showing up at the gym etc is A HUGE RED FLAG. My ex would park on my works parking lot on the night shift. I was so embarrassed, everyone noticed a random car pulling up and they figured out his license plate. He did not care, he was sure I was cheating (lmao, at work?) and he even called me on night shifts… when I was supposed to work. His behaviour WILL ESCALATE. please, please do not repeat my mistakes and do not think you can reason with him. He’s too far gone. He’s actually insane to do this. Please leave and stay safe.
Sounds like he swept you off your feet initially to try and get you to this point to manipulate you into what HE wants out of a gf/wife. The “secretive” things aren’t even the issue, the control over what YOU get to do and shutting down any conversation or argument where you’re expressing your feelings to him that he doesn’t agree with is.
My advice? Find someone who respects, values, and trusts you as a partner. This guy doesn’t.
You’re not being secretive, you’re being controlled and isolated by an abusive man that is manipulating you into believing *you* are the problem.
He is trying to manipulate you. You are not being secretive; he is being controlling. I think that you should seriously consider moving on and finding someone. Otherwise, you will be stuck being this person’s live-in servant who is under constant surveillance.
You want a partner, he wants a subservient house wife. Unless he can change his attitude there’s not much you can do other than find someone whose wants are more aligned to yours.
This is not the relationship you think, want, or hope for it to be.
Accusing you of “being secretive” when he makes arrangements for a three (3) week vacation without including or consulting you about it? That’s a red flag the size of a continent.
And demanding to know where you are and what you are doing at all times? Even so, checking up on you? That’s manipulative and controlling. No good will come of this because it will only get worse.
You should “be home to cook his meals?” Is he too crippled to rustle up something to eat? Additionally, this is not the 1950s; this is the 21st Century and not the 18th.
The next move, if it hasn’t already begun, will be to alienate you from friends and family. That way you are utterly dependent on him for everything. Again, no good will come of that.
He is a grown man and should be acting as such. Since he refuses to discuss his behavior like an adult, he is not a good prospect as a life or marital partner because he is immature at best.
You need to distance yourself from this man and/or break up with him. FAIR WARNING: this will not go well. Please be careful and take care of your safety.
Yeah, no. He is controlling and he DARVO-ed you. HE was the one to do something in secret, and then flipped the script and somehow you are secretive? This is very manipulative. Please note that toxic men like love bombing their victims at the beginning of a relationship. When you say you fell in love quickly, bc he was so dreamy, I suspect that wasn’t a natural progression of a relationship with a genuinely kind man, it was love bombing. And now he is getting controlling. This is not a good dude nor a good relationship.
DARVO – a very typical abuse tactic. It stands for: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. So he denied being secretive, even though he obviously was, then attacked you by claiming YOU are secretive, thereby reversing victim and offender. Classic manipulation and a HUGE red flag.
Everything he does, including stuff you mention in comments – him not being sure of relationship, then becoming creepily controlling – is some form of manipulation. You need to dump him.
“this conversation is over” is a pretty good time to say something else is over
Yeah this looks like controlling behavior. But what I don’t understand is him booking a trip without telling you somehow flip back on something that YOU are doing g wrong. So I’m gonna call it what is is, gaslighting. He is secretive and he is manipulating it on you for him to have more control over what you are doing. This is a red flag. I would say talk about it but he seems to have a way of getting out of that to. And he only sticks around if you make him food and dote on him? What are you a maid? Screw that. If he wants to leave let him.
You really buried the lede on his psychotic controlling behavior and regressive ideations for you
>He said that I should be staying at home and cooking for him because he worked so hard in grad school.
So… he wants to use you as a maid that cooks for him.
No. Hard stop, no. With everything else, that is not a partnership. This looks like ownership. He love-bombed you in the beginning, now he’s showing his red flags.
Sounds like your BF is a sexist manipulative jerk
He is trying to control you, and this will only get worse. Please get out of this relationship now, or you’ll regret it later.
Mmm from the sounds of it. He sounds like he is manipulating the situation and being deceitful by turning it around on you- which is what liars and abusers do. And he’s also a misogynist if he believes a woman’s place is in the kitchen making him food along all the other hateful crap he’s spewing.
I would say he is being borderline abusive.
I’d break up with him if I were you. You don’t need that in your life.
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Sounds like he’s starting to escalate into abuse territory. He started by DARVOing you, (Deny Accusation, Reverse Victim & Offender), meaning you tried to discuss an issue concerning his actions, and instead of discussing it, he turned you into the bad guy and your actions are now the problem. It’s a method for abusive or emotionally stunted people to avoid responsibility, and it’s a huge red flag that – at best – he’s not capable of a healthy relationship.
Now he’s stalking you 🚩, trying to increase his control over your life 🚩, and trying to isolate you 🚩.
Please don’t write these things off. Respectful people who are capable of healthy relationships don’t do these things. However, abusive people almost always start with these behaviors because they’re easy for people who don’t know better to ignore.
Do some research on how abuse starts and warning signs, pay attention of any of it sounds familiar. [this quiz](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/) is also a good resource, even if your relationship isn’t “full blown” or physically abusive.
Take care of yourself!
He thinks the occasional dinner / holiday buys him you, to work for him as a cook, maid, not to mention other ‘jobs’, and feel grateful about it?
In any future relationship, take turns paying for treats.
Kick this loser’s butt out of your life.
This guy is a cheapskate, who expects you to give up everything…in return for what?!
Putting up with his childish, insecurities, his jealous and controlling patronising behaviour. That’s what.
Run for the hills, before it gets any worse.
And remember, it’s not going to get any better, and will only get worse if you stay.
Gaslighting and stonewalling – what a combo.
Break up
He’s testing your boundaries so he can best see how to gaslight you into allowing him to place controlling restraints on you. First he gets you to tell him anytime you go to leave so he can decide what places to start not allowing you to go. Then he starts literally tracking your movements, likely through your devices, but he’s already showing up at those places to confirm you’re actually there.
He’s already trying to plant the idea that you need to be staying home and seeing to all his needs. He swept you off your feet so that you wouldn’t see his current actions as what they truly are. You need to get the hell out now or you’re going to regret it. It won’t be long before he starts trying to get your pregnant.
Research the difference between “privacy” and “secrecy”. It will help you both.
Dude, leave. You’re 25. He went for a chick 8 years his junior because he knows women his age won’t put up with that shit. Bounce out of there.
Yo he’s gaslighting you because he’s cheating lol
Uh… what?
Here a story from my Fiancé.
She was 24 at the time, having her heart broked recently by a man she been dating for 4 years, another man walk into her life.
At first, he was sweet, he was kind, he was not what the other man was before, at first.
Slowly, as their relationship grows, he asked her to wear make-up, dress up all pretty, just for him he said.
She did, she did everything he asked for, from small requests, to slowly, but surely, a bigger one.
From he trying to win her heart, it was now her, to please him.
She have to let him know where she is at all time, she have to have his permission to go out, with friends or even families.
Slowly, the thing he NEED her to do to please him got more excessive, yes need, not request where she can reject, she even have to have have her phone ON video call every time she go to sleep.
During that time, she told me that her life was nightmare, but she too in love with him to see all the problems here.
They dated for 2 and a half years before she found out, that while dating her, having her in the palm of his hand, doing everything he ever requested or asked to do, he found someone new.
She, having her heart broken asked him why and his reply was simply “You’re too boring”
Sometime as painful as it is, if there are signs, you should brace yourself asking if this relationship is worth it. If your BF continues to request for more and more and you let him get his way, you will eventually lose value in his eyes.
I wish you the best.
[Edit Spelling]
He’s not ready for a real relationship. He booked a 3 week vacay without telling you, and you’re secretive?
It’s him.
Hi.
He’s the problem, it’s him.
And I think everybody agrees, everybody agrees.
🚩 🚩 🚩. 3 strikes on him. Get out now before it’s to late.