Throw away account because I really need some community advice. For some context – I met my husband when he was 36 years old and I was 19 years old. Arguably a large age gap, but at the time I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I have never been someone who enjoys casual sex (nothing against it – I was just a very shy teenager who was always in a committed relationship) so needless to say when I met my husband there was significant difference in our sexual experience. Despite this, we had a great sex life for the first few years of our relationship. Fast forward 6 years we have two kids (one is mine, one is his from a previous marriage), a house, life stressors, etc. Since the birth of my youngest son (2y) our relationship has been very rocky. I noticed him watching significantly more porn, his Instagram feed is full of naked women that don’t look like me, when we have sex he doesn’t make eye contact with me. This caused a huge self esteem issue for me that caused me to not initiate sex as often. He has always been the main initiator but I do try to initiate on my end whenever I am in the mood and he hasn’t already. There are a few other issues I feel are relevant that have caused me to lose that intimate sense of emotional security and I feel like the combination of these things has just made our sex life go downhill. He frequently belittles my contributions to the household (I work full time, take care of the kids full time, cook, clean, etc.) He comes home from work and gets to sit in the garage and have his decompress time for an hour and a half until dinner is ready. Then I clean up after I cook, get the kids ready for bed, then put the kids to bed. By that time I am EXHAUSTED and its already 9 pm. I have explained this feeling multiple times and it never goes well so I stopped having the conversation. Even though I am dead tired, whenever he initiates sex I never say no. I always figure its better to have a quickie than nothing at all. Then wake up and do it again. Also, his way of initiating is never really arousing.. its often “come here and give me some ass” or something like that but I just ignore it and proceed.
We had sex 2 days ago and it was nice. Initiated by us both.
Last night, I am BEAT. I get into bed and my husband asks if I am going to take a shower. I say “No, I’m really really tired and I want to work out in the morning so I will shower then.” 4 am is the only ounce of alone time I get so I take it. He responds “Okay, im going to take a shower” That is his subtle way of saying he may or may not want sex. I crawl in bed next to him and lay my head on his shoulder and watch while he is playing a game on his phone. Some time passes and I say “were you going to get up and take a shower?” and he said “yes”. After a few more minutes I fall asleep.
This morning I think nothing of it and bring him his coffee like I do every morning, give him a kiss, and continue getting me and my two year old ready to school and work. When I ask him if he slept good he gets upset and says in a very passive aggressive tone “I really would have liked to have sex last night. Its very clear you don’t want to have sex with me anymore. We don’t have the chemistry we used to.” This caught me off guard completely. I explained to him that I was really tired and I am sorry that I fell asleep, but if he wanted sex he should have made a move as he knew I was tired. He got really upset by this and stated he shouldn’t have to tell me things like this and that if he has to tell me what he needs it will be forced on my end and he doesn’t want that. I calmly told him that communication is incredibly important and that if he isn’t getting something he needs to he needs to let me know as I cant assume or read his mind. I was confused because I initiated the sex two nights ago and it was very clear I enjoyed it. He continued to disagree and tell me that he doesn’t feel I want him anymore and that he shouldn’t have to share his needs with me. (My love language is affection and he doesn’t like affection – so I am always the only one to initiate affection – how is him telling me his sexual needs any different?
This concerned me because I feel he is completely incapable of communicating his needs and that’s going to cause bigger issues if it has not already.
A few days ago my husband cracked a “joke” about ‘what would you do if I got another woman pregnant?” and then doubled down on the fact that he was joking. I made sure to put that in my back pocket. A day or two later he joked again about how if he cheated it would be my fault and I said “how the hell would it be MY fault?” and he said “Because you didn’t put it down on me enough.”
Again.. keeping that in my pocket.
I am so incredibly frustrated about the whole thing and just need some input. Any other exhausted moms with little sex drive? Has anyone else experienced something like this? Is it possible he is projecting some guilt or is it just me searching for answers.
I appreciate your response.
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tldr; My husband is upset with me because I fell asleep before we could have sex – I had no idea he wanted to have sex to begin with. I was exhausted because I work full time and take care of our kids full time. He feels he should not have to communicate his needs with me and I should just know what he needs.
45 comments
This is brutal. I’m not going to say divorce him bc I’m sure a lot of people are going to post that but I think you need to change your perspective on this situation. He’s a middle aged man with a 20 something wife. He should be worshiping you and thanking his lucky stars you gave your youthful years to f him and be a stepmom to his kid, not threatening to go out and cheat. If he brings that up again, maybe suggest you can go out and find someone to hook up with closer to your own age. That will shut him up.
I only read the TL;DR, and based on that, your husband is an asshole. And you can tell him I said so.
“Age gap relationships aren’t always toxic”
Well, there seems to be alot of evidence otherwise. š¤
Your husband is a piece of shit. Thatās about all there is to say about that.
Damn really frustrating to read this..
he is so wrong on so many levels. He has two kids, does he even take care of them? Does he ever bring the boy to school or spends time with him or bring him to bed?
Does your husband never do any chores? I mean, he lives there too! Itās not the womanās responsibility to take care of the home and kids, what is he doing while you do 1000 things sleeping and watching porn I guess AND complaining about you. He sounds like an awful husband.
Do you even love him anymore? Sounds like sex is a chore to you, but sex shouldnāt be a chore. If youāre not in the mood, you are not in the mood. End of discussion and you shouldnāt feel bad about it either! I totally understand why your sex drive is low, there are 100 topics going on in your life that lowers it. On of them is your husband itself I guess.
If he wants to cheat, he will cheat. Sounds hard but if he does, divorce will be lot easier. Document and save everything he says about that so you can use it someday in court if necessary.
However, Iām sorry youāre in that situation, wish you the best
I’m gonna put a coin in my piggybank every time I read a horrible age gap story with a totally oblivious girl and an overgrown toddler with behaviour issues.
‘But he’s the perfect guy’ and ‘but he doesn’t hit me (just the wall)’ and ‘but he doesn’t know how to flush the toilet/wash the dishes/do basic stuff, he might have some sort of ADHD’.
…and I’m gonna use the money for a holiday. Probably in the next month.
Obviously he didnāt start dating a teenager for their personality. He started dating one cause heās a horny creep. Please take the hint and leave this person.
He wants a bangmaid/nanny.
Next question.
Yeah, he is an a-hole for sure. My husband often acts like this too. Like if I am too tired for sex I’ve just insulted him horribly. It is very unattractive. I am sorry you are dealing with this crap too.
OP has been groomed. He’s going to start blaming you, projecting, gaslighting….get out while you still have your sanity.
Girl, come on. Would you even date a 19-year-old now, at 26?
Your husband is a perv and you know it. The only solution is to find someone who’s not a creep
How long have you been together?? You make it out like you’ve been together 6 years but say you have a 2 year old that isn’t his?
Stopped reading at 44m and 26f, because itās going to be a shitshow š¤·āāļø
Sounds like he’d be doing more paying child support and leaving you alone. He already has someone, and is probably pregnant. He’s not making jokes, he’s testing the waters before he confesses. You aged out, kiddo. “Joke” back that you won’t be seeking custody of the kid that’s not biologically yours, and you’ll be suing for child support of the one who is, so I hope the new girl likes broke men with children. Then again, I’m petty.
Oh honey… This is an unfortunate circumstance. But your husband is not a good person. Him saying someone half his age was a big indication when you first got together.
You have aged out of his preference (which is young, naive and available for his pleasure at all times). If he is not already cheating on you, he’s going to. This is not a healthy relationship and you deserve better.
OP he is setting himself up for justification to cheat. Heās definitely thinking about it, and heās creating the narrative he needs to justify it to himself.
This doesnāt mean you jump his bones all the time. Thatās not the right response. Stick to the ātell me your needsā strategy. And push back hard on the idea that you should just know. Tell him thatās completely unreasonable and not the way adults communicate. Yes, hit him with that.
But the real takeaway here is that if he hasnāt cheated already, heās starting to make plans to do so.
He’s old enough to be your dad, but acts like a teenager.
This is why people shouldn’t be able to marry before the age of 40 and even then they need my permission.
Good thing you kept those comments in your pocket….sounds like he is projecting. He is setting you up to take the blame when you find out that he has been cheating, or at the very least, in an emotional affair and thinking about about possible options.
If you have a gut feeling to do your research, follow it.
Massive age gap? Check.
Adult preying on a teen? Check.
Teen doesnāt have strong relationship with parents or friends or anyone to warn her dating an adult as a teen is a horrible idea? Check.
Actually marrying the older creep? Check.
Creep already has a child? Check.
Wife works and does all housework? Check.
Creep constantly makes adulterous jokes? Check.
Sigh. I have no words anymore. I know Reddit skews things because only people with terrible relationships make the posts, but cāmon. How can OP think getting with someone so old and with a kid when she was a teen was a good idea.
Like even if youāre not a super smart teen, shouldnāt it be obvious the guy is not a decent man?
I’m really sorry this has happened to you. This is very frustrating. You are here asking for advice, so I’m going to share what I have.
1. Subscribe to zawn https://zawn.substack.com ( the free version is fine, she also has a FB page). This is a great community dedicated to exposing the toxicity of unequal labor in marriage.
2. Understand what the mental load is ( https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load ) and how it affects you and your family. If you weren’t the project manager and only worker in the family you could spend more time on other aspects.
3. Understand that the reason people are often vocally opposed to age gap relationships is because the unequal power dynamic is often abused by the elder partner ( usually male) because a person their own age wouldn’t put up with their behavior. ( I’m 42, and there’s absolutely no way I’d put up with this I shouldn’t have to tell you what I need/ want. I’d just laugh at him. And he, on some level realizes that most women his age wouldn’t put up with it.)
4. Decide if you want to salvage the marriage, and it’s going to be hard, uphill work because right now, he’s using manipulation to control you. ( There is no way this person doesn’t know that open communication is necessary for a relationship, but he doesn’t want to have to do that amount of work, as little as that would be.) If you can get him to attend marriage counseling, great, but if he’s resistant, you really can’t force it.
5. Decide what household duties you can live with going undone. Then stop doing them. If he complains, then say I can iron your shirts if you can pick up the groceries, but otherwise I’m just not going to get to it. You can either do it yourself or drop them at a drycleaners. ( Obviously just an example. ) If it’s passive aggressive bs, “I always thought my wife would love me enough to iron my shirts”, repeat your offer, but don’t be petty or escalate. Let the chore go undone. Let the consequences play out.
6. If he gets explosively angry, damages anything, or threatens to damage or harm anything or anyone, move directly to step 7. Do not attend therapy with an abuser.
5. Get yourself into therapy regardless of what you want with the relationship, because you are accepting the bottom of the barrel male behavior as normal and blaming yourself for his unrealistic and unreasonable expectations. This is almost certainly because he has been gaslighting you for some time and you no longer trust yourself.
7. Make an exit plan, even if you hope for the best, but don’t share this with him. Improve your resume, your education, and credit report. Consult a lawyer. start documenting who does what for your children.
Do not assume that just having a family member or friend present will be enough to prevent an escalation. If/ when you leave, consider having a police presence.
8. Also work on developing a strong support network of women and moms. This will be crucial to building up your self esteem regardless.
I hope this helps. Please update us.
JFC, leave him.
Jfc seriously you married this walking red flag and are surprised he continues to act like a child. Get some therapy and figure your shit out
>Arguably a large age gap, but at the time I didn’t see anything wrong with it.
Lol. Yea. That’s one of the problems. That young people don’t have the life experience to recognize why it’s a problem. It’s a problem for the exact same reason he chose you, which is the exact same reason you didn’t think it was a problem.
And it’s the same root problem here. He’s taking advantage of you not knowing better. He had to swoop in early before you had a frame of reference for his stupid toxic bullshit.
I have no idea who either of you are, so this is just a gut reaction to what you read. But I strongly suspect he’s cheating, and yes, the other woman might be pregnant. I’m sure you’ve already been told the age gap is a MASSIVE part of the problem, so I won’t belabor it. But he’s absolutely priming the pump by blaming you “if” he has an affair. It’s a done deal already, I’d bet money.
I hope you take some time to yourself after the divorce, to work on yourself and decide what you really want in your next relationship(s). Because this guy … he’s nowheresville.
Girl why stay with him? Your already doing it alone work full time cook clean care for the kids. I would never in a million years agree to work a full time job do all the cooking cleaning and raising the kids hell no. This is the exact reason old creeps prey on younger women.
I mean you’ve probably just aged out of his taste. He sounds like an ass, leave him.
He is getting everything he wants out of this relationship while you get nothing. And he is still telling you that what you’re giving isn’t good enough.
At his age youād think heād be falling asleep first.
divorceeeeee
Your husband only gives you aid or attention when he wants sex.
Reread that.
Husband is a selfish asshole.
Your man child of a husband is a toxic mess. The fact heās chasing teenagers at 37 years old shouldāve been all the evidence you needed
Haha, I am closer to my parents in age than you are to this overgrown toddler. Heās already cheating – leave
Don’t kid yourself, he’s not incapable of communicating his needs, he just doesn’t want to. He wants you to work, cook, clean, take care of the kids mostly on your own and initiate sex every day. That way he doesn’t have to do much. On the other hand he’s doing everything he can so you would feel your role is to please him no matter how you feel. His wants and needs are important, yours don’t matter much (if at all). A man getting angry because he didn’t have sex at the exact moment he wanted is to be avoided like a plague. Implying you’d be the one at fault if he cheated on you is beyond manipulative. He’s basically blackmailing you into behaving exactly the way he wants you to behave.
And he’s doing a fine job so far convincing you that you’re the problem. Why the heck does he have the luxury to unwind after work while you don’t? It’s a rhetorical question.
Btw. the huge age gap has a lot to do with the dynamic of your relationship. More often than not, those kind of guys want a much younger partner for a reason. And that reason isn’t a good one.
If I could wish for a superpower, it would be to be able to sense when young people are getting sucked in inappropriate relationships, and travel through time and space to talk them out of it.
Dear OP. He’s not a good man, and I am very glad you work, because it wond be as hard for you to leave. You shouldn’t have to have sex when you don’t want to, you shouldn’t have to do all the heavy lifting in a relationship, and you shouldn’t have to put up with someone who threatens to cheat on you. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go live it for yourself. Your son will thank you.
Yet another post by a tragically young woman in a relationship with a much older dude thatās got all the emotional maturity of a puddle. Dude clearly sees you as a sex object
>I noticed him watching significantly more porn, his Instagram feed is full of naked women that don’t look like me, when we have sex he doesn’t make eye contact with me
I don’t wanna ask, but im going to.. are all the girls small petite? And the porn titles are all teen and older men? How old was his ex?
>A few days ago my husband cracked a “joke” about ‘what would you do if I got another woman pregnant?”
>A day or two later he joked again about how if he cheated it would be my fault and I said “how the hell would it be MY fault?” and he said “Because you didn’t put it down on me enough.”
I have had a lot of head damage in my life, and in no way shape or form can my dumb self see these as “jokes” these are all gauging questions and he’s testing your response.
…..
OP, it looks like your husband is trying to pin “lack of intimacy” on you so he can step out on you and he’s grooming you to accept it by making it casual topics and gas lighting you.
…..
I’m worried about the age thing, not your current age gap, the fact that a grown man 30 something year old dated someone who couldn’t legally drink (u.s is 21, but most large countries is 20 I believe), but even if you could drink you weren’t established as an individual yet, you just finished primary education and before you can get a degree or decide on opening a business or starting a career… boom! This guys shows up and probably made choices for you. I might be outta pocket, but just be on guard OP
Age gap strikes again.
Thereās so much here without even going into the age gap and the sexual coercion.
You bring him coffee then you make breakfast and get the kids ready by yourself? He gets 90 minutes to decompress while you cook, clean up, and I assume bathe and put the kids to bed? You have a job too?
This is textbook grooming. Divorce him and get out now.
Holy fucking shit.
That’s because you are a sex toy to him. That is why he had interest in a naive teenager. Your inexperience made you easy to made you easy to groom you into what he wanted/wants you to be.
Well he married you for the sex so to be expected. You think a grown man is going after a teen for their maturity, life goals and personality?
Yeah, ok. Maybe Iām totally wrong but Iām going to guess your husband divorced his first wife because she had a kid and got a little older and then stopped being a sexy little nympho in her early 20s. She had to raise a kid and cook and clean and do lots of stuff that wasnāt fun and was tired a lot ā¦ and thatās boring for him.
And now it sounds like you, with your chores and kid and things that make you tired, are starting to bore him too. Iām not sure what the answer is here, and again, I may be completely wrong. But the flags are flying everywhere. Thatās just what Iām seeing.
audibly sighed at the 44 and 26, completely lost me at the 36 and 19. just leave him i beg.