I’m scared to make this post. I feel like I need validation that I’m not the bad person in the relationship. Me and my wife have been together almost 10 years. I have done some things I knew better than to do. I had lying problems and porn/masturbation problems. This was over 6 years ago. Lying about stupid shit about my past, and having a porn addiction. This I can admit. She has told me she is over all of this. But over these last years, she doesn’t seem like she trusts me at all. Always accusing me of masturbating. Can’t even watch a movie that might have an “attractive woman” in it. (The only woman I’m worried about being attracted to is my wife)
“Oh that’s why you wanted to watch this movie”
Or if it a movie she likes,
“Don’t get a boner now”
It’s not said light heartedly. It’s said with hate and disdain.
If there’s an “attractive female” in the vicinity and if I look in her direction, I immediately get scalded. Threatening to divorce me for looking at her, telling me she saw my eyes look at her. I observe my surroundings pretty consistently, situational awareness and all.
I’ve never “checked someone else out”
The reason I’m scared to post this, is because she has access to all of my emails, can see everything I watch on YouTube and everything I google. She constantly nags me about things I look up and watch. Saying all I care about is my phone.
My wife is a stay at home mom, 26, and We have 3 children, 6, 1 and a 1 month old. Im the primary source of income, 26 as well. I was there with the newest baby, and actually caught the baby when he was born, which I felt helped us with a stronger intimate connection.
Just recently she was admitted into the hospital due to a blood clot in her leg. I was with her for 3 days in a row and also haven’t been able to work much in the last month, due to everything.
During the entire visit, she was nothing but mean to me. Now that I’m home, and she is still there, she is heavily criticizing me for everything I google or watch on tv. Telling me I haven’t even been to work, even though she knows I haven’t had the time. Saying I’m too sorry to provide for us.
I’ve never felt so alone. I’ve never felt like such a bad guy, where everything I do is wrong. Im sorry if this came off badly, but this is how my brain works. I’d love some information about what to do. Let me know if anything else is needed, I will try to keep up with comments but might have to delete account or post.
5 comments
This is a very toxic relationship, if you have never cheated. Have you tried telling her how you feel? I understand that you did lie and she had every right to be angry with you but if you truly forgive someone you can no longer make them feel badly for it because that isn’t forgiveness if you really want to try and make things work I recommend couples counseling.
This isn’t a [Healthy relationship](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/healthy-relationships/) and won’t be viable long-term. Masturbation is normal, human behavior. If you had a porn addiction and your intimate relationship with your wife suffered because of it it would be understandable that she might be oversensitive but even that wouldn’t excuse the emotional abuse she’s dishing out to you. I suggest that you see an individual therapist to help you set healthy boundaries and to help you understand that you don’t have to accept abuse. While you’re doing that consider if this is the relationship you want your children growing up to believe is normal. Oh, and whatever you do, don’t have any more kids with this woman unless she agrees to therapy and learns how to treat you with kindness and respect.
We have been together since we were 17, so I think us growing up with each other has a lot to do with boundaries. We have none, although I never look through her phone and information. I wish it were that simple
Was she like this before the most recent baby was born?
Masturbation is almost always s healthy thing, for both of you (if you desire). Your wife shouldn’t shame you for that. Regular masturbation for men can actually decrease the chance of prostate cancer. Masturbation can be unhealthy if used to supplant intimacy. Otherwise, she is wrong to shame you.
Porn is generally unhealthy because it distorts healthy sex and sets unattainable sexual expectations. Too much porn can be addictive. It can also lead to sexual disfunction (ED, etc.) and impact your intimacy.
Finally, your wife has not forgiven you. She doesn’t respect you. And she continues to emasculate you. You both really should seek individual, as well as couples, couselling. Your marriage and your well-being depend on it.