I feel like I’m alone and hopeless. Like everyone around me either drinks, smokes, or vapes. It’s driving me crazy. I hate it all so much I don’t think I’d be able to be with someone who does, even just a little. Is that too extreme?
Edit:
Turning notifications off. Not responding anymore. Thank you to everyone who let me know I’m not alone in my preferences and for giving encouraging words. Yes I know my opinions are extreme and harsh, and yes my mental health isn’t great, but I am seeing a therapist for it, so fingers crossed I can learn how to live a happier life without the obsessive thoughts bringing me down. Peace.
34 comments
I hope not. I have the same standards.
No, it isn’t.
You’re entitled to your preferences, just know it will limit your prospects.
Have you tried your local church? I don’t think it will be that easy to find someone rawdogging life this days.
It depends on what you consider a drug. Do you view caffeine as a drug? Do you consider responsible THC consumption a drug? What about sugar?
I have had a tinge of alcohol in my system, I don’t drink it much and if I do it’s honestly rare to the point I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had it in 5+ years. I don’t do drugs.
Everyone is entitled to their preferences, but that just means you’ll be selecting from a much smaller pool of people.
I hang with athletic types. None do drugs. Many don’t drink. Some drink excessively 😉
If you are including caffeine, nicotine, sorbitol, maltitol, xylitol, painkillers, synthetic hormones and all prescribed medications within the classification- yes that would be unrealistic.
But all illegal drugs, cannibis, alcohol and controlled steroids- would be more reasonable. Although this would significantly reduce your potential dating pool to teetotallers and those who try to avoid all the most addictive & dangerous drugs as a matter of habit.
It might lower your pool, but I do know on the paid version of hinge you can filter for no alcohol and drugs when you’re searching to hopefully help, otherwise it will take a lot of searching
Christian Mingle or going for someone religious might give you an easier time to meet those requirements. Although even they tend to drink too.
No if is not. It may be hard to find but it’s not unrealistic
why do you hate it
You will probably have to date within your church but if its your preference dont change it. As long as its for the right reasons i dont see why its an issue.
You will find a very small pool of applicants, but it is not wrong at all.
It may require a reconsideration of the importance of dating in your life, of reproduction in your life, because such things require a level of compromise…
You may even need to drastically reduce other expectations if this is very important to you…
It’s sort of the game of life though, isn’t it?
Are you open to dating recovered alcoholics or only people who have never drank/did drugs? If the former you could try checking out sober hobby groups, most cities have some though they do tend to be mostly former addicts rather than people who’ve never drank. If the latter you’ll probably have to look into dating religious people ie Mormons or Muslims, and they’ll probably want you to share their religion, so it does limit options quite a bit. But it’s not impossible
No one can *ever* get on you for your preferences. Your preferences are always valid – because they’re yours. Period.
Now that we got the most important thing out the way. There’s plenty of people who don’t drink or do drugs. You are right in pointing out the most people do at least *one* of those, and that criteria will limit the number of options that you have. But it won’t eliminate them entirely. It’s up to you what and how much of what, you’re willing to put up with. Set some dating app filters, and if you don’t use dating apps, try finding yourself in the type of environments that are less likely to have people drinking/doing drugs.
One thing I would note though is to remember, the more “non negotiables” you have, the harder and harder it gets for you to find your ideal partner. While I don’t think this, in and of itself is “too extreme” as you ask, I think the more things you add *onto* this as dealbreakers, the more challenging it gets.
Me. Youre talking about me
I don’t drink, smoke or vape…. but I’ll drink a drink socially once every few months. Roll once in a blue moon (decades). Open to stuff buy don’t enjoy. Never regularly. Would that rule me out. I mean if I wasn’t taken. If so that seems extreme.
Like past or present? I’m down to just caffeine and edibles. I think my wife wants me to quit the edibles. I’ll die without caffeine. I don’t think I could have gotten together with her if those were her preferences.
I think your negative, judgmental attitude and uncontrolled anxiety are going to be much bigger barriers for you in dating than your preferences around substances.
OP, yes, you can have your preferences.
It will cut most people out, but the ones left are your candidates.
It’s fine to want to not date someone who parties, or not want to be around certain substances. Sober people exist.
However, the feelings you describe are intense.
Are you able to articulate what about it makes you **hate** these things, rather than just prefer not to be around them?
A lot of people— even people who drink or smoke weed sometimes— don’t like to be around people who get trashed, or don’t like being around drunk people when they’re sober.
But most people wouldn’t cut a non-partier out for drinking alcohol or smoking weed once or twice a month (unless trying to avoid it for their own addiction history, etc) or using a nicotine vape occasionally.
You’re allowed to have whatever preferences you want, but if you’re able to describe *why you hate these things*, and what aspects of it matters to you, you might be able to identify and share those priorities more easily.
I thought the same thing until I met my current partner. My ex use to do molly, Coke, smoke batch bowls every night, and binge drink 4 days a week. After we broke up I made it a rule, the next person I date doesn’t do drugs. Took me a while to find him, but my partner doesn’t smoke (he has tried it maybe 2-5 times in his life), has never touched other drugs, and has maybe one or two causal beers every month. He focuses most of his time in work, and the gym. Trust me, there’s people like that out there! Just trust your gut and make sure you have boundaries and keep true to yourself and your “non-negotiable” qualities in a partner 🙂 you got this
It’s not unrealistic, but as someone else said, it will limit your dating pool. However, it’s better to have less options than be stuck with someone you’re not compatible with.
No it’s not too extreme. I have similar preferences. I don’t care if they drink a little (in moderation) but smoking or vaping in any capacity is a dealbreaker for me.
Nope, neither my partner or I smoke or drink. Just have to keep looking, don’t give up.
It’s not actually that outrageous to have such a preference. I have the same preference and I haven’t run into any problems. Although personally I’m a little lax on the alcohol side of things. Hard no on smoking or drugs though.
The majority of the world population doesn’t drink regularly or at all and drugs are are even lower. Really it’s mostly America and a few other countries that really go hard on those things, alcohol especially. A lot of popularly media likes to normalize it. It keeps people dumb and makes corporations more money. But in reality, it’s no where near as ubiquitous as people assume.
I would say you’re fine to stick to your preference for the most part. Maybe be a little more flexible on the alcohol part just cause it’s so common in America. No heavy, regular, or binge drinkers though. That’s not gonna work out well.
If you’re in your teens, it will be a breeze because it’s illegal. If you’re in your twenties, it’s going to be very hard. You will have mostly highly religious people and individuals who grew up with alcoholic parents to choose from. Once you hit your 30’s and 40’s though, it will get easier. A lot of people who originally overindulged start getting their lives together at this age and dropping these bad habits.
Before I was 18, I shared your viewpoints. Even now, I don’t care to drink or smoke weed at all. But I’m not against it.
Never tried hard drugs. Never played with prescription drugs. Never smoked a cigarette.
1-2x a year, I have a “why not?” type of situation pop up when it comes to weed. For example, I hopped on a plane to see some cousins I hadn’t seen in 10 years. They wanted to smoke with me.
Did I have to smoke? Of course not.
Did I feel peer-pressured? Nope.
But why not? The only thing smoking changed was laughing more than usual at Waffle House afterwards 😂
As far as drinking, I keep a stash of wine & spirits to serve people who come over. Including coffee, these are drinks I don’t even touch when I’m alone.
Once every couple of months, I’ll have a couple of beers while watching a game at home. If I don’t have those beers, no worries. But it’s not like I’m against beer. So why not? A shower beer is also pretty relaxing.
On a normal day, I’ll have water, tea, or homemade smoothies. That’s it. If I’m really spoiling myself, I might have juice or a milkshake. I never liked soda, even as a kid. I treat Ginger Ale like medicine.
If I met a woman, and we hit it off, and she shared your viewpoints, dropping the 1-2x per year of smoking weed is no problem. Giving away my alcohol stash to friends & family would not be an issue. I almost never consume those things anyway. Wouldn’t matter to me if I never do it again.
So given what I just described, if OP still thinks someone like me is a red flag, it means OP wants someone who NEVER tried anything. Yeah that will greatly reduce the dating pool.
Nah you’re bugging if you think I’m not taking some sort of substance to take the edge off.
No it’s not but you’ll have to meet someone in the middle. My older brother doesn’t drink or smoke. His wife just drinks on occasions (at parties, holidays etc.) But doesn’t drink in the weekend. Only when its socially acceptable.
Your best bet is to find someone like that. My Dad doesn’t drink or smoke. I do but when I have my first kid that’s it. Never touching another drop or lighter ever again. It’s how I was raised and it’s how I would want my children to be raised too. Part of dating is learning to make acceptable ( ACCEPTABLE ) compromises. You dont like doing dishes but your partner cooks. She does the laundry but you handle car maintenance. It doesn’t have to be traditional roles obviously but you get what I’m saying. My favorite quote about love is from Rocky.
“She’s got gaps, I’ve got gaps, together we fill gaps.”
Is it unrealistic? no. I personally don’t drink or do drugs. I don’t even like taking aspirin. I also know other people who are the same, but there are not many of us.
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I have never been an alcoholic or a drug user, but there is one place where you can find people who are at least trying not to anymore. Go visit some alcoholic anonymous meetings or do some volunteer work at rehab centers.
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There you will find people who have found the strength to at least battle those demons and know the dangers and risks of it, and they probably are alone and hurting as well. They could probably use a good friend or companion who wants similar things as them. There is the risk of someone relapsing but if they are partnered up with someone who doesn’t want to drink or do drugs they are less likely to fall back into old habits because the peer pressure they are used to wont be there anymore.
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My point is if that is your biggest criteria you are going to find people who at a minimum want to stop doing those things and have taken steps to do so.
Short and simple, you aren’t alone. It’s ok to have your own preferences, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Sober people exist
I think you’d be surprised what percentage of the population doesn’t do drugs